Page 19 of Hearing Hank

I stare at him. I can talk, I just have no idea what to say. Wyatt is the safest person in my world, followed closely by Sam. If they love me, does it change anything? Are they still safe? Do I love them? I’ve never thought about it. And if I do love them, does that mean that love isn’t dangerous and unpredictable? Wyatt’s obviously not going anywhere, and he’s completely dependable. I trust him, like him, and admire him.

“I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable,” Wyatt offers into the silence. “And I’m not saying that you shouldn’t go do something else with your life if you want to, I’m just…” He shrugs, trailing off and looking as off-kilter and lost in this conversation as I feel.

I’m tempted to just take off and leave both Wyatt and the awkwardness in the barn behind me, but I’m also pretty sick of pretending that running away is a coping skill.

“I don’t know what to say. This is so much like what happened with Lee on Saturday. He pulled in and I was so excited to see him and tell him about the thing at the feed store. And somewhere in the walk between the barn and the car, I realized that I’d fallen in love with him. I don’t know how to do this.” I look at Wyatt with all the desperation that I feel. “I don’t know what to do with all these feelings. I don’t have any experience to draw on. I’ll screw up somehow, and he’ll leave. It’s bad enough to end it now. I’m not sure I could survive if I got any closer to him and then it ended. I’m probably being stupid anyway. We haven’t even talked about the future at all, never mind love. He’d probably just laugh at me if I told him what I was thinking anyway.”

Wyatt is smiling again, but it’s gentler than before. “I don’t guess that he would. He doesn’t seem like the kind of man to hurt someone on purpose.”

“No, he isn’t,” I admit grudgingly. “I know that. But it would be worse if he was kind.”

Wyatt raises his eyebrow again. “You were here,” he says. “You watched me almost let Mark go because I was scared of the future. I can’t even imagine what life would be like without him now. I do know that if it was all over tomorrow, I’d still be so glad that I took the chance and had the time with him. There’s nothing in the world that I would trade for that.”

I slump back against a stall door. “I can’t shake the feeling that if I give someone, anyone, the power to destroy me again like my parents did, that they will. I don’t know how to get past that.”

“Let me tell you from almost fifty years of experience, you regret the risks you didn’t take, not the ones you did. You might want to think about what the future will look like depending on which choice you make. It helped me to think ten years down the road or so. Life looked pretty empty without Mark in it. I’m not saying it will all work out, but you should take some time to think about the possibilities, and not just react.” He pauses. “And now I’m getting down off my soap box. That was way too much talking about feelings and shit. You should take the rest of the day off, you’re not getting fuck-all done here anyway.” He smiles at me again, then turns and walks out, leaving me without words.

24

Lee

TuesdaymorningIgeta text from Hank, thank God. I was going to give him until the end of the day, and then I was going to show up on his porch and demand answers, to hell with my no-chasing policy. Some things are too important to follow the rules, and I know that I would regret it if I walked away from him without fighting. The text is not particularly enlightening, but it does give me hope.I’m sorry I freaked. Can you come over for dinner so we can talk?

At six o’clock I’m standing on his porch battling butterflies again. It’s not as pleasant as last time. The nerves are more on the fear end of the spectrum than on the anticipation end. It’s going to hurt so badly if I’ve waited 38 years to really fall in love and he can’t, or doesn’t want to be with me. I suck it up and knock on the door. I’m not going to find out what he wants to say standing outside by myself.

Hank opens the door right away. I kind of wonder if he heard me come up the steps and he’s been waiting for me to decide to knock. He looks at least as nervous as I feel, and perversely, that makes me feel better. I want to make him work for it, I really do, and I’m going to demand a complete explanation, but now that he’s standing in front of me, I can’t resist. I reach out and drag us against each other. He’s stiff for half a second, but as soon as he figures out why I’m reaching for him, he’s enthusiastically on board. I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face in his neck, suddenly overcome with emotions, mostly relief. We hold each other for a long time, rocking back and forth, just breathing. When I finally feel like I can talk without my voice breaking, I pull back and look him in the face. “I need you to tell me what happened. If I tripped over a trigger, I need to know about it. I don’t want this to happen again. I missed you too much.”

Hank shakes his head with regret. “I was stupid and scared. I’ve worked through some of it, and I figure we can work through the rest together. Maybe we should get out of the doorway though. I made food.”

I laugh when I realize that we are indeed standing right on the threshold of the open door. “Let’s eat,” I say. “What did you make? One of these days you need to let me cook too. I’m pretty good at it.”

Hank talks over his shoulder as he leads me into the kitchen by the hand. “It’s just a veggie quiche,” he says. “I like making stuff that leaves me with leftovers for several days. Saves me work, so those are the things I’m good at. I made fruit salad too, to balance it out some.”

In short order, we’re sitting at the table with dinner in front of us. After a couple of bites to take the edge off, and because it smells amazing, I ask him to tell me what happened.

Hank sighs and leans his chin on his hand. “How much have people told you about my past?” he asks.

“Paul told me what he knows,” I tell him, “but it wasn’t much, to be honest. I got the feeling that your parents weren’t great at the whole kid thing and that they weren’t around anymore. That’s really all I know.”

“That’s a pretty good summary,” Hank says. “It doesn’t sound like that big a deal, but the way I was raised and the way they took off made me really scared of becoming attached to anyone. Did you know that Wyatt thinks of me as his kid?” He says this with sincere bafflement.

“I’m not surprised?” I say. I have no idea what that has to do with the conversation we were having. “Haven’t you lived here since you were like sixteen?”

“I just figured I was good at the work, and he knew I liked it, so he let me stick around,” Hank says. “I had no idea that he thinks of this house as mine, and that he and Sam think of me as family. Ever since he told me yesterday I’ve been thinking back, and I realize that he’s always acted that way, Sam too. I just had no idea what family was supposed to look like.”

I must look confused because he gives me a half smile and goes on. “The reason I’m talking about this is that, as near as I can tell, my entire relationship reference is warped. Other than the books I’ve read, I have no idea what the expectations are for an actual romantic relationship, and I really,” he says, the last word drawn out with added emphasis, “don’t do well with uncertainty and unpredictability.”

I’m not really sure where he’s going yet, but he plows on. “When you pulled in the other day, I was so happy to see you that I got nervous. It was a first. No one has ever made me that happy before. Then you started talking about how you got a new job at an interview you hadn’t told me about, even though we had talked about our plans that morning, and I got panicked at the idea that things could change so fast. I had just admitted to myself that I loved you, as I was walking to the car, and that was a huge shock. It’s so fast, and suddenly it felt impossible for me to rely on you. I jumped right to the worst-case scenario and imagined what it would feel like when you left, and how awful that would be, how devastated I would feel. That’s why I ran.”

“That makes a lot of sense,” I tell him. “Falling in love is scary, apparently. Maybe that’s why they call it falling. Scared the shit out of me when I heard myself asking in my job interview if I could work remotely.”

“Remotely? Like from here?” Hank asks, and then he smiles sheepishly. “I did a bunch of research last night on what kind of jobs my degree could get me in Denver.”

“I was thinking Saturday morning before they called me for the job interview that I don’t really have any reason to stay in Denver,” I say. “Just because it’s what I’ve always done, doesn’t mean it’s what I have to do now. It’s only a two-hour drive anyway. I can still see my friends and my mom whenever I want. Plus my best friend is here now, and I’m pretty sure he and Sam are staying put.”

“So as fast as it is, you’re telling me that we’re actually on the same page?” Hank asks.

I take my last bite of dinner and stand up, grabbing our plates and heading for the dishwasher. “I think we are,” I say over my shoulder. “Excited and terrified in equal measure.”

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