Page 20 of Be My Salvation

I can’t take my eyes off of her; she’s radiant in her fury. Her words are a declaration of love and war, each syllable calling to me like a lost lover, demanding to be reunited with my pain, andbring me to my knees. “You want me to believe that you still love me, Nightstar? You want me to accept that you didn’t abandon me to the misery of hell?” I lean forward, causing her to tighten her grip, until I feel the sharp pain of her nails splitting my skin. The pain forces my mind to remain in the here and now, not allowing all the tragic nightmares to drag me into the dark recesses of my mind. “Show me your reverence, Dinah. Show them who truly owns you. Prostrate yourself at my feet, crawl to me, Nightstar, and reveal how much you love me.”

The minute the demand leaves my lips, I know she won’t do it, that she will deny me once again. Perhaps she’ll end my worthless life, now that she’s witnessing how dark, depraved, and blackened my soul is, with all I have endured. I’ve gone too far in my attempt to humiliate and degrade her, asking her to weaken herself, and bare her soul to the world. I never break my gaze from her, inhaling a shuddering breath, and preparing myself to finally die with the solace that it will be the love of my life who finally dispatches me to my final resting place.I was always yours.I allow her to see the words imprinted in my soul through my gaze.Is this real?I hope that I am not imagining all of this. I need this to be reality, so that I can finally say goodbye to this world.

“Damn you to hell, Sammy. I will only ever be weak for you. You wish me to crawl, to confirm what is so evident before your eyes, fucking fine, I will crawl for you, but just know, after this, if you can’t accept me, I will end your fucking life.”

Chapter twenty-eight

The Sinner

Dinah

“Show me your reverence, Dinah. Show them who truly owns you. Prostrate yourself at my feet, crawl to me, Nightstar, and reveal how much you love me.” Every word is a vicious punch to my gut, as I stare into his midnight blue eyes and allow them to convince me that he hates me. He knows exactly what he’s doing, and what his demand truly means. He wants me to be the one thing he has spent years training me against.Weak.How could he demand that of me now, when he knows that enemies surround us? He’s requesting that I play the fool, that I crawl like a worm he could squash under his feet. He wants me vulnerable, afraid, and seeking his approval. My body heats with the primal need to bloody him for being so unreasonable, for using my love for him against me. How fucking dare he make such an outlandish and damaging request. Don’t I mean anything to him anymore? Have all the years together truly meant nothing? Has every good memory been replaced with hate for him? Every image of me soiled in his mind. I know he suffered the unimaginable, and the fact that he’s still here, standing and breathing, is a miracle, but the pain in my heart is crushing me. For a moment, the desire to shrink back from the demand almost overtakes me, everything in me screaming that I should cut out his tongue, for even daring to be so cruel, after all the anguish I have suffered since he was stolen from me.

Then I really take in his features, how the shadows in his eyes are filled with remorse and pain, the blue darker than I have ever seen them, the deep aubergine groves in his once healthy skin below indicating his lack of sleep. What do his nightmares consist of? Is it just the terror he suffered at Noah’s hands, or do I star in them, too? The rigidness of his jaw tells its own story, and his golden skin has paled and looks ashy and sick, despite the fading bruises that mar so many inches. I notice how he tries to form a cruel smirk with the lips I love to kiss, but it doesn’t quite meet the mark. Instead, it feels forced and faked, unlike the unpretentious Sammy that I know. His body leans closer to me as if it seeks my comfort, and yet his words attempt to sever the thread that binds us. He’s a contradiction, sitting here baiting me to commit violence. Is that what he wants, for me to hurt him just like everyone else has? Doesn’t he understand that I would rather tear out my own beating heart, and give it to him to consume?

I want to turn my back on the pitiful creature before me, who only slightly resembles the man who nurtured my spirit, and gave a younger version of me an outlet for her rage. A man who taught me that I should never walk mindlessly into the abuse of others, that I could fight back against my oppressors, only to now demand to be one of them. He seeks to humiliate me, butfine,I will allow it, if it means I can have my Sammy back. My pride can take a hit, I hope his conscience can too, because what he is forcing upon me will haunt him. “Damn you to hell, Sammy. I will only ever be weak for you. You wish me to crawl, to confirm what is so evident before your eyes, fucking fine, I will crawl for you, but just know, after this, if you can’t accept me, I will end your fucking life.”

I don’t make the threat lightly, and I know he hears the promise in my words. If there is no chance of me getting my Sammy back, I will end this shadowed version, and give it thepeace that it requires, even if it ends up killing me in the process. My words echo in the silence between us. I can feel the other two at my back, ready to interfere, perhaps even to kill him for his blatant disrespect. I raise my hand to halt them when I hear movement behind me, refusing to break the connection with Sammy. I release my grasp on his face with a sneer, daring him to spew more venom in my direction. The feel of his skin against mine has done nothing to soothe, and reassure, me that he is alive, and will return to me. All it has accomplished is to confirm my greatest fear, that he may never be the same again, and that the love we shared may be already lost. My eyes glisten with the tears I cannot shed, in mourning for the years and love we had together. I cannot be weak now, not here in front of all of them. No, when my heart truly breaks, I need to be alone with my suffering.

“Atasi... fuck no. I can’t allow you to do this... not even for him,” Abe’s voice breaks through my melancholy thoughts, and relights my wrath.He can’t allow me?Have all of these men lost their goddamn fucking minds? “I will only remind you once, Abe, that you don’t own me. I am my own person, and I will do whatever the fuck I want. If I want to lay on the ground, and let him spit at me, or stomp on me until I cease to breathe, that is my business. Do not confuse my love and affection for permission to be a fucking caveman with me.” I turn my glare on Abe, and immediately witness the devastation my callous and harsh words have caused. He has stood by me through all of this, refusing to be parted from me, and never wavering in his support. He even turned on Zeke after his attempt on my life. He doesn’t deserve to be treated in the manner I just did. Fuck, everything is a jumbled mess, and my whole world is falling apart. I just need something to hold on to, something to anchor myself to, so I don’t go adrift on this turbulent sea of nothingness. Can’t they understand that I am closer to madnessthan sanity? That, one more large push, and it may be what sends me careening off a cliff with no way back. I swallow the grief for the life I had before, for the peace I crave, for everyone I have lost, and for the love that I feel is being ripped away from me. “If it was Zeke, would you not do everything in your power to bring him back to you?” My words are spoken softly, hoping that he understands the magnitude of the situation, and why I can’t back away from this, even if I know I should.

He nods his dark head once, wordlessly, pain lacing his handsome features as he pries his gaze from me, and stares at Zeke. I know that Abe loves me with everything inside of him, that he would even lay down his life for me, but Zeke, Zeke is his whole world, his reason for being. He would never hesitate if there were a chance to save him. I can live forever knowing that I don’t hold the first spot in his heart, or vice versa with Zeke, because I have my Sammy, and intimately understand the connection that they share. The threat of losing Sammy forever is too great, and nothing will stop me from attempting to bring him back from the shadowed land he’s currently residing in. He’s throwing me a lifeline, a depraved one at that, but still, it’s there.

“What you’re doing, what you’re asking of her, I want you to know I will never fucking forgive you for it. If you continue to attempt to hurt her, I will end you, Samuel Wendover, and she can live with a broken heart, but she will fucking survive you,” Zeke snarls the words, as he refuses to meet my gaze and stares vehemently at Sammy. His large and imposing body is ready for a fight, and to unleash violence. If this wasn’t such a fucked up time in our lives, and so much wasn’t on the line, I would climb him like a tree and fuck his brains out, while the other two observed. Watching the brooding, scheming fucker, declaring war in my name, is sexy as fuck. Zeke’s bright emerald eyes tear away from Sammy’s as he meets mine, unflinching, imploringme not to go through with it. “You have nothing to prove to him. If he can’t see the truth of your love, then let him die a miserable fool, Snow. You think my love for Abe somehow means I love you less, but you’re fucking wrong. You have no idea what you mean to me, but after this, you will.”

He turns his back on us and stalks to the room’s door, standing there with his massive tattooed body covered in the blood of his mother, and my enemies, trembling in rage as he grasps the door handle for dear life. “I refuse to watch you lessen yourself, for someone who can’t see your worth. Please don’t ask me to watch you destroy yourself, Snow.” His words are piercing blades into my soul, and one by one, they cut me so deeply that I fear I will bleed out, as I stare at his retreating back.

“Go,” the word is whispered, yet it sounds so loud in the silent space filled only by our deep, shuddering breaths. He doesn’t hesitate, slamming the door in his wake, and taking another ravaged piece of my heart with him. “You can go too, Abe,” I whisper, preparing myself to have him turn his back on me as well. How much more heartache and pain will I need to weather, before this is all said and done? Will I lose all of them, and have to stand alone? Could I even survive that? “Like fuck I will. If you can force yourself to experience it, then I will be here by your side through it. I will never fucking leave you, Atasi.”

I have to compel myself to swallow the sob that threatens to choke my throat, as I square my shoulders and force my head high, refusing to be brought any lower. I meet Sammy’s hooded eyes as he pushes his body to the edge of the bed, his long legs hanging off the side, and his elbows propping himself up on his knees, his palm holding his chin with an ambiance of boredom, as if all of this is tedious for him. “Well, Nightstar, you’re still standing.” I was wrong. Apparently, I can still be brought lower still.

“Motherfucker,”Abe releases a furious growl, and takes a menacing step toward Sammy, but I grab onto his elbow and force him to halt. “That’s what he wants, so don’t you dare give him your violence.” I can feel how close Abe is to the breaking point. It won’t be long before he can no longer leash his fury, and he releases his inner psycho. Good luck to us all when that happens. It will be like releasing the hounds of hell, and then trying to close the gates before they attack someone. I lower myself to my knees, refusing to look away from the man who is using his own pain to cause mine.

I drop my hands to the hardwood floor and crawl forward, like a defiant canine that has been beaten one too many times by its owner. I’m a cornered animal, my blood heating in my veins, as I remember all the disgusting insults my mother suffered, at the hands of men of the Brotherhood, who needed to demean her to make themselves feel more prominent, and in control.“Whore!” “Dirty slut!” “Worthless cunt!”The horrendous words sound on repeat as I move a few more inches, imploring myself not to succumb to the darkness that is threatening to drown me. A dark cloud is threatening to come over me, blinding me to the here and now, and dragging me back to the past. Perhaps that’s what makes this even worse: the knowledge that Sammy knew this was one of the nightmares that plagued me for years. A nightmare of watching the woman I loved, and admired, most in my life be brought down so low, and broken with cruelty.

“Fuck,”I almost don’t catch the word uttered under his breath, his voice catching with surprise. He’s trying to shut down his emotions, to give me his cold mask facade, so that I can’t see how this is affecting him. The rage inside of him might be intense, but the love we shared for years is as well. Did he not realize that hurting me would cause him misery as well? Foolish men, they seek to destroy what they cannot live without. I hold my head higher, my eyes narrowing in defiance, as I give him all the angerand pain I have within me, without an ounce of shame. “Is this what you want, Sammy? Am I to be your beaten dog now? Will you collar and leash me, like a beast in a corner, to make yourself feel better?”

He grunts and breaks the connection, refusing to meet my eyes.Coward. Look at me; look at what you are doing to me.His body slumps with misery and pain, and yet he doesn’t tell me to stop. Instead, he continues watching me, but refusing to meet my heated gaze, imploring him to stop this madness, with those sapphire-blue eyes hidden below dark lashes, and hiding himself from me. I resume moving, my body aching and protesting the action, from my most recently acquired wounds. When I am right before him, and can feel the heat radiating from his body, and smell his mint and sage scent, mixed with sweat and despair, I halt, awaiting his next command.Come back to me,my heart begs silently as I stare at him, but there is no reply. Nothing to indicate that he will relent on his demand.

His jaw locks tight and his chest heaves, as if he were running instead of sitting there, watching me lose a little more of myself to the dark side. “Fuck, I... I can’t do this.” He pushes away from me, refusing to allow one inch of himself to touch me, as if I was filled with poison, waiting to infect him. He gets up from the bed as if his body is on fire, and races to the nearest wall, leaning his forehead against its smooth surface, and trying to catch his heaving breath. His whole body trembles with whatever is happening inside of his mind. “It’s not so easy to destroy love, is it, Sammy?” Abe questions.

Chapter twenty-nine

The Liar

Abe

My rage is palpable, and a living entity, as I watch the woman I love sacrifice herself, and her dignity, for the shadow of the man who once would have done anything to defend her. The man that, had anyone else dared make the same request of her, would have gutted that person. There is no way that he’s not cognit that he’s hurting her. Abusing her like so many of the Brotherhood’s women have been over the years. The way Zeke and I abused women before her. I am not a good man, and I don’t profess to be. I will never be able to atone for all the pain and suffering I have caused, and the innocent lives I have taken. My hands are forever stained red, and nothing will ever wash them clean. The women who died at my hands were eternally lost from this world, because I deemed myself more important than they were. Sisters, daughters, and wives, all gone because I had an urge to use them and discard them. It’s not until this very moment, that I realize the extent of the harm that I have caused. Watching my Atasi be degraded, and still attempting to remain strong, in the face of someone who was supposed to honor and cherish her, but instead has taken her trust and ripped it apart. Everything within me demands that I stop this, that I wrap my hands around Sammy’s neck, and remove his ability to breathe the same precious air as my Atasi, but I won’t, because the risk of losing her is too substantial. It’s selfish of me, but I can’t live without her.

Sammy’s breaking down before my eyes, the coldness inside of him melting, as the reality of what he’s done becomes ever-present, with Dinah’s forward motions. His breathing is ragged, as if he’s struggling to get air inside of his lungs. If possible, his already sallow expression gets even worse, as his eyes dart away from her, beads of sweat appearing on his brow. His whole body is wired tightly, and I can see how this is impacting him. He’s not immune or cold to her. He’s a man who believes the venom a demon spewed in his ear, when reality was so much different. Can he forgive her when all this is said and done? Will he be able to forgive himself? It’s a slippery slope that he’s pushing us along, one wrong move, and we will all fall to our deaths.

Zeke’s words sound through my head, and my heart seizes, knowing he is out there alone and waiting, with fear wrapped tightly around him, not knowing what the outcome will be. Do I believe that he will comply with his threat and end Sammy’s life?I have no doubt he will.His love for her is infinite, with no beginning and no end, but Dinah has never been able to see that. She thinks he loves me more, that somehow his heart is mine, and she only retains a small piece, but she’s so fucking wrong. Long before we transitioned from being best friends to also lovers, there was little Dinah Camrose and her prince charming, always ready to ride off together into the sunset, and their happily ever after. I envied their connection, and a part of me wanted the same for myself, with her, and also with him. They are, and have always been, two sides of my heart, never warring with each other, just coexisting.

“Fuck, I... I can’t do this.” Sammy lunges from the bed, a cornered animal attempting to flee, but not getting far. Dinah stops in her motion, staring at him through pain-filled eyes, lost in despair that he has rejected her once again. I almost feel pity for him, but then I glance at my precious Atasi on her knees, tears glistening in her eyes, her lips pressed tightly to suppressher cries. It’s instantly gone and replaced by fury. “It’s not so easy to destroy love, is it, Sammy?” I demand, my hands fisting at my sides with weakening restraint not to pummel him.

“Please...” Sammy’s voice is so small and breathless that I almost miss it, as he presses his forehead firmly into the wall, refusing to look in Dinah’s direction. “Please what? What are you asking for, Sammy?” I move closer, a feral lion ready to protect his mate. When I’m next to him, I witness the tears sliding down his downturned face. They slip past his gaunt, bruised, and whiskered jaw and disappear. “Please... kill me. End my suffering... I don’t want to... hurt her... but I... I can’t.” An anguished sob sounds torn right from the depths of his soul, and causes his body to tremble and cave in more on himself, until he looks so distraught that even the malice in my heart begins to melt at the sight. He can’t even finish his sentence as the tears increase, and he presses himself tighter to the surface of the wall, as if that is the only thing remaining that is keeping him here. “I... hate... her... but I also... love her. She… fuck, she did this to me… no they did this to me… because of her. You… you don’t understand… the horrors… the darkness and betrayal. Fuck… I… I can’t... look at her, without seeing... them.”

“Them?Noah and his minions?“ His head nods in confirmation. I pry my eyes away from him, and stare at the devastation on Dinah’s features at his words. This will end up destroying both of them, and Zeke and I, by extension. I’m not so obtuse that I don’t realize that Dinah will withdraw from us too when, and if, she loses Sammy for good. I can’t afford to lose her, to lose this, the only family I have truly ever wanted. “You have survived, Sammy. You don’t hate her. You’re just terrified, and have survived something that most wouldn’t have been able to,” I utter the words, and they are as much for him as for myself. I, too, see the faces of my abusers when I close my eyes. I relive the horror of being assaulted by David and his men, the feeling ofhelplessness, and the guilt that my body betrayed me, betrayed Dinah against my wishes. As much as I want to hurt Sammy for the way he’s treating Dinah, I also have to remember all the shit I’ve put her through too. I am not innocent in any of this.

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