Page 93 of Not Catching Love

I’m way too fucking curious not to though.

And when I scan over what’s there, I’m torn between happy or depressed.

They want me to go to Cambodia.

The screen goes out of focus, as my heart slowly rips apart.

I have to say no … right?

All the amazing feelings from Ghana hit me again. That sense of purpose, of knowing I was making a difference. It was hard at points, and I hated being away from here, but it also had this deep sense of rightness that I’ve never experienced before.

But if it was hard to leave Xander then when he was only my patient and a guy I cared about, it’s going to be nearly impossible now.

Especially when I know how vulnerable he is about people leaving him.

The problem is, it’s also getting increasingly harder for me to be around him. I’m no saint, but I like to think I’m a decent guy who genuinely wants to do the right thing, and this relationship has become a mess. My feelings for Xander go way too deeply for us to keep up this casual, flirty friendship … boyfriendship … which means before long, we’ll end up sleeping together again.

And again.

And again.

There’s no way for me to argue my case that I was trying to keep boundaries when I’m fucking him every way from Sunday.

This would give us a forced break. Time apart where we can’t be tempted, and once I’m back, well … we deal with that when I’m back.

But how do I do what’s best for me if it isn’t best for Xander?

I’m not sure what gives me away, but Xander suddenly turns toward me. He studies my face for a moment, and I pretend not to notice.

“What is it?”

What the fuck do I say?

Obviously, I have to lie because there’s no way I can take this. It doesn’t matter how many reasons I find for why I should go, there’s one more important reason for why I shouldn’t. Being away from Xander would kill me.

And that’s part ofwhyI should be going. Should accept and fuck off and try to block out my feelings for a little bit longer.

Xander steps in before I get the chance to lie to him.

He plucks my phone from my hand and scans the email himself.

Then he looks up, and the expression on his face wrecks me. “You’re going to Cambodia?”

Chapter Thirty-One

Xander

I’ve never felt my stomach hollow out quite like this. Like I haven’t eaten for days, and now all that’s left sitting there is this dirty mass that’s trying to bring on my anxiety. I can feel it pulling at me. That darkness.

But the weird smell doesn’t hit, and for now, I’m able to hold it off.

The meds don’t always work. They haven’t fixed me. But I do feel like they’re this extra barrier of defense.

“No,” Derek immediately answers. Then he whispers, “Maybe.”

“Maybe,” I echo the word, but the meaning behind it is gone. “Maybe.”

“Xander …” His phone disappears from my grip, and his hands replace it. Large, warm, strong. I can’t lose them. “Look at me.”

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