Page 94 of Not Catching Love

Yeah, I can’t do that. Not right now. I’m shutting down andtrying to hide, and the first thing I hide is my eyes. Why the fuck didn’t I wear my contacts over here? What if I cry and my eyeballs end up all red and ugly, and he looks at me and decides Cambodia is a much better idea than the stupid, bratty piece of shit he left behind?

“Xander. I said look at me, and I mean it. Now.”

My gaze snaps up to clash with his, and somehow, it’s even worse. I can’t lose him, I can’t lose him, I can’t lose him.

“I applied for this after Ghana. I told you about that, remember?”

Slowly, I nod my head. I think he’s mentioned it a few times, but I’ve been happy to ignore the very vague thing that was only maybe happening in the future.

His hands tighten over mine. “I’m going to talk, and you’re going to let me finish before you try to cut in. Understand?”

A small part of me wants to tell him to fuck off to Cambodia and find a new boyfriend and be happy and forget all about me. It’s instinct. Something that easily would have fallen from me before without pausing to think about it as a way to protect myself. Thankfully, my rational side is still somewhat in control, and it’s so strange to be able to stop those thoughts in their tracks, even as I feel like I’m unraveling.

“Okay,” I whisper.

Then Derek does that thing he’s only done a few times before. Where he presses a hard, fast kiss to my lips. Like a reassurance. A reminder. “The thing I love to do most is help people. That’s why I became a nurse. Knowing that I’m actively making someone’s life better fulfills me in a way I can’t describe, and the two things at the top of my hypothetical dream board have always been Nurses International and keeping bees.”

“Bees?”

He gently places his thumb over my lips. “Ghana was fucking hard, and it forced me to face a lot about my privilege,but it also showed me all the ways I was lacking. The sense of family between the people I cared for there was strong and real, and it made me realize how I didn’t have that. How much I wanted it. Since I came back, since I found you … I’ve added one more thing to the top of my dream board.”

I wait for him to go on. Is having a family part of his dream board? If so, that’s going to fuck some things up for us because I hate kids taking for granted their perfect families and their safe upbringings and?—

“It’s you, Xander.”

“Me?”

Derek slumps back into the couch, arms across the back of it as he stares at the ceiling. His shirt is pulled up, showing off that stomach I want to lick, and he looks tired for the first time since I’ve met him.

“Come on, Xander.” His voice is rough. “Do you really think I’d be fucking around as boyfriends and waiting until we can be together properly if I didn’t think you were the real thing? If I didn’t look ahead and see my future with you in it?”

These shivery sort of nerves hit me. “The real thing?”

His eyes look as wet as mine feel. “I’m trying to do right by my license, but what I feel for you … it’s too big. And I’m tired. I don’t think I can keep fighting it.”

“I want you,” I tell him. “I don’t care how, I just wantyou. I’ll wait forever. I don’t care. Just please, please don’t leave me.”

His eyes squeeze closed. “Don’t.”

“I can’t …”

“Please, just … let me think.”

Thinking is bad. Thinking will convince him to go. It’s what convinces everyone to go. They love me for a while, and then they stop and think and realize I’m way too much effort and way too hard to love, and then I’m alone again.

“Don’t cry,” he whispers.

“Sorry.” I blink wildly, trying to force myself to stop. I don’twant to cry. I don’t want to disappoint him. But not dating Derek has been the greatest time of my entire life, and I don’t know how I’ll survive without it. I don’t know how to look at the future and not see us there. Because I can’t stop myself, because I can’t keep it inside, and I’m desperate to make sure he doesn’t leave, I choke out, “What about your dream board?”

“I think … I think that’s why I need to do this.”

I can’t stop the tears anymore. It hurts too much to think about him being gone, him moving on. I’m spiraling, and I know I’m spiraling, but it takes me a moment. Just a moment to realize something.

This is a regular spiral.

One that a lot of people experience.

My chest isn’t closing up. I’m not smelling things that aren’t there. I don’t feel like the literal world is literally ending. Just my tiny slice of it.

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