Page 89 of Both Sides Now

“Thank you.”

Do I believe him? Not at all, and now the two sides of my heart wage war against each other. Part of me thinks it’s best to let Keegan go. The other part desperately wants him to stay.

Seems the universe has sent me enough signs today. She’s not offering up any more guideposts for this debacle.

I grab my bag and unlock my door, the quiet of my home’s interior as dank as dense fog. “I’m sorry.”

Keegan pivots, offering me a small shrug. “Me, too. For what it's worth, last night was perfect. For me, at least."

Once I’m safely inside, he drives away. I don’t make it further than the foyer, as I collapse in a sobbing heap against the doorframe.

I’m alone. Totally and utterly alone.

I awakenwith a start on the cold entryway floor. No idea how long I laid there, although the sun now streams through the living room windows.

Pulling myself to standing, my eyes rove around the house, desperate for some semblance of balance.

There’s none to be found.

This place never felt like home to me, but Charlie fell in love with the center hall colonial. How could I say no to his endearing smile? So, I went along with his plan, because seeing him happy made me happy.

But now that he's gone, I feel a kinship to every room. Every stupid creaking floorboard that used to drive me mad now makes me smile, remembering how his feet moved across them.

Each room has become a sanctuary of sorts, with all manner of knickknacks strewn about, bringing me peace when the aching in my soul became too much to bear.

All but one room.

My gaze settles on the locked door at the end of the hallway.

Charlie's office.

I don't go in there. I had to, immediately after his death, to collect the paperwork for his estate. But after that was settled, Ilocked the door with zero desire to step foot over the threshold again. That was his space, never mine, and for some reason, I feel like I'm trespassing.

Oh, the myriad of emotions in my brain. I'd give any psychiatrist a run for their money.

With a groan, I roll my shoulders. I want to go to bed and sleep—for the next several days. Or weeks. Or months.

Since that isn’t an option, I opt for a shower, some coffee, and a hefty dose of aspirin.

I pad into the kitchen and turn on the coffeemaker, my gaze falling on the bouquet of lilacs delivered a few days earlier. They were a gift from Keegan, yet another one of his surprises, when he learned how I missed the scent of my childhood home in England.

I finger the petals, the tears rolling down my face as my heart and head battle with each other.

What am I supposed to do now?

I love Charlie. Always have and always will.

But I love Keegan, too. More than I believed possible.

A thought spins in my mind, as I bite back the nausea threatening to overtake me.

What if my heart isn't built to love more than one man? Am I destined to spend the rest of my years alone, pining for a love that couldn’t save me?

Is that the best I have to hope for with the remainder of this life?

"Spill it, Calli."Suzanne's eyes flash a warning at me: do not feed her a line of bullshit.

I hate how well the woman knows me.

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