Page 90 of Both Sides Now

“What is there to say?”

“Quite a lot, judging by the dour expression on your face.”

I shrug, desperate to keep the tears, my constant companion once again, at bay. “It was beautiful. Terrible. Agonizing. Pick your descriptor."

"Did you and Keegan have a fight?"

I shake my head, unable to relieve the pounding in my brain.

“That’s not an answer,” Suzanne replies, and I hear the concern in her voice, edged with exasperation.

Who can blame her? I’ve been mum on the events of last weekend, save for asking my friends to keep Domino a few additional days. They readily agreed, but I knew I would have to answer some questions when they dropped her off this afternoon.

I needed time.

For what, I do not know. Time to lose the last vestiges of my sanity, I suppose. But as the days passed, it wasn't Charlie I missed.

It was Keegan.

Now, it's been five days since he dropped me on my doorstep, and the pain is unbearable.

It's ironic. I used to feel a reprieve from the pain when I surrounded myself with Charlie's belongings.

Not anymore.

Now, those trips down memory lane serve only to remind me of the new love that walked into my life.

A love I threw away like it was garbage.

Less than garbage.

The tears win out and spill down my face. "We didn't have a fight, but I ruined it, nonetheless."

Suzanne grabs my hand, leading me to the sofa. "Sit. I'll pour us some wine, and you're going to tell me what happened in Connecticut.”

So I do. I relive every moment. I tell her about my incredible night with Keegan and how I opened my heart to him,only to rip it back when Charlie’s slideshow played across my phone. Then, for added fun, I threw in an emotional meltdown, to ensure I fully destroyed the weekend.

By the time I'm done, I'm sobbing. Again. It’s become a familiar rite of passage. “I messed up, Suzanne. I took something so beautiful with Keegan, and I destroyed it. What's wrong with me?"

"Not a damn thing. Memories back up on us, at the most inopportune times. I've had meltdowns in front of Shawn, too.” Her eyes glisten from the pain of her own loss. Even though her ex-husband still walks among us, his decision to leave damn near killed her.

I know. I was there.

"You didn't kick Shawn out of your life,” I argue.

"I didn't let him in, either. Not for a long time. I felt my grief belonged to me, and he wouldn’t be able to understand it. But that was terribly unfair. Shawn wanted to understand. It was me who had to open myself to the idea of loving again.”

"I miss Keegan more than breathing, but I can’t shake this feeling that I'm cheating on Charlie by loving another man. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but when I saw those photos of Charlie and me, I felt like I’d been unfaithful, and the universe was reminding me of that fact.”

Suzanne nods, swirling the wine in her glass. This is a painful topic for us both. “I get that, too, but it’s not the case. What are you going to do?”

I scoff and finish the dregs of wine in my glass. As if I have so many options at my disposal. "WhatcanI do? I ruined things with Keegan. He hates me, I'm sure."

"No, he doesn't. He loves you. Do you love him?"

I close my eyes, my mind drifting back to our night together. Right before the dam burst. The firelight and love flickered in Keegan’s eyes and for those precious moments, Iwas home. A home I’d never known before and one I never wanted to leave.

A home I tossed aside when my memories crashed into my present.

---