Page 87 of Both Sides Now

Damn right I do.

The slideshow begins to play, complete with the most god-awful song selection known to man.

But I barely hear the music over my sorrow. My tears fall with each passing photo until both the screen and my eyes are too blurry to see.

Charlie and I were so happy as we frolicked on that English beach, clueless to the terrible turn our lives would take a year later.

"Calli, what's wrong?"

I jump when Keegan touches my arm, wiping my face in a futile attempt to hide the tears.

“Sweetie, what happened?” he repeats.

Concern and love line Keegan’s face, but all I see are the photos of Charlie flashing before me. All I feel is this suffocating darkness. The universe’s mocking admonishment of how, in these last few months, I've abandoned Charlie's memory to seek solace in someone else's arms. Even considered passing up on my original plan to have a baby in lieu of loving again.

How I’m a horrible excuse for a wife and a human being because if I truly loved Charlie, I wouldn’t have let his memory slip to the recesses of my brain.

I hate myself. Charlie deserves better than that andfarbetter than me.

“I have to go," I mumble, tearing myself from Keegan’s grip and making a beeline for the bedroom. I grab my suitcase, haphazardly tossing in my clothing.

Keegan is by my side the next second. He grabs my arms and forces me to meet his gaze. "What happened? Did someone die? Talk to me."

"Yes," I manage, my voice strangled. "Someonediddie. Charlie died. I shouldn't be here. I need to go."

The confusion and hurt spread across Keegan’s face, but I'm too wrapped up in my own pain to shoulder his, too. "What brought this on? Calli, please stop for a second. I'm trying to understand."

I jerk from his grasp and continue gathering my belongings from random spots in the room. "But youcan'tunderstand, can you? You've never lost someone you love. Not like I loved Charlie. You can't comprehend how I feel, so don’t bother. I need to leave. If you won't take me, I'll catch a train back.”

Keegan crosses his arms over his chest, a neutral expression falling across his features. The doctor's expression. I know that one all too well. I saw it on the face of every doctor Charlie visited, when all they had to give us was more bad news.

"I'll take you home, Callista. But can you at least tell me what triggered this? We had a beautiful evening together, and now you want to run out of here. Run away from me. Forgive me for being a bit confused."

I recognize his tone. I've heard it from countless well-intentioned family and friends. People who pity my situation but really wish I would just move on from my grief. My sorrow is a burden they don't care to carry.

I hate that blasted tone almost as much as I hate myself right now.

I wipe my eyes again, snuffling through the tears. "I know what you’re going to say. You'll tell me I'm being stupid."

His eyes widen at my verbal tirade, but he maintains hiscool. “First, I would never call you stupid. Second, give me some credit. Maybe I can help."

I toss my phone at him, the slideshow still visible on the screen. "My phone, in all its sadistic glory, sent me a slideshow of memories."

He studies the phone before meeting my gaze. "May I watch it?"

He’s being careful. Kind. Considerate.

And I wish he would fucking stop.

I tug a hand through my hair, desperate to escape myself. "Why would you want to watch it? It's a slideshow of me with my husband."

“I’m aware of that fact, Calli. I want to watch it so that I might know Charlie more. May I?"

Tossing up my hands, I return my focus to packing. “Go ahead.”

My tears start anew when the music—that deplorable craptastic music—starts playing.

Keegan doesn't say a word until the end, handing me back my phone with a sad smile. "It's a beautiful memory."

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