Page 37 of Both Sides Now

“It’s been about thirty seconds, actually,” Keegan jokes, but there’s a softness to his words, as if he senses how simultaneously difficult and necessary this is for me.

“Charlie and I met at a pub in Scotland. Shawn was there, too.”

“He served as your wingman?”

Chuckling, I nod. “I guess he did, which is amusing, considering only a few weeks earlier,hewas my boyfriend.”

Keegan’s eyes widen. “You dated Shawn?”

"For about a minute, and it was a terrible idea. But, we stayed friends because we loved each other too much to partways. So, Shawn and I went to this dank pub in Edinburgh, which was freezing cold. I think it was colder inside than out, and that's saying something.”

“Makes this place look fancy, huh?”

“At least this place has heat. Shawn and I walked to the bar and as we awaited our drinks, I scoped out the place. My gaze fell on this man sitting a few seats down. He was staring at me in the most obvious fashion. Suddenly, I wasn't cold anymore."

A muscle jumps in Keegan's jaw, but his face remains impassive. "Love at first sight. Isn't that what they call it?"

"I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in recognition at first glance. Your soul recognizes something in the other person's soul. There's a familiarity there, and they're not a stranger to you, even if you've never said a word to them. It's such an unusual feeling, and it's rare."

"Once in a lifetime, huh?"

"I always thought that, and when Charlie died, I believed my chance at love died with him. But I hate to think I'm destined to live out my life alone. I possess a tremendous capacity to love, and it seems ironic I no longer have anyone to give it to. Domino will only accept so many snuggles."

I snatch up the bar napkin to wipe the tears slipping down my cheeks, but Keegan is quicker. He leans over, his thumb warm against my skin as he smoothes away the pain lacing my face.

Somehow, that gentle maneuver calms me, or maybe it’s just the nearness of him that brings me peace.

Either way, I’m grateful for him.

With a sniffle, I eke out a sad chuckle. "God, I'm a mess. I don't cry in front of people. I didn't cry at Charlie's funeral. Yet here I am, bawling in front of you. Again."

Keegan leans in, pressing a tender kiss on my forehead. “My mom always said that crying is the body's way of healingitself. Perhaps you can't hold it in anymore. Perhaps you shouldn't try."

But the idea of letting go is far more terrifying. A fear that if I release the valve holding back the dam of emotions, there might never be an end to my grief.

I roll my shoulders, releasing a long sigh. “My friends all try to be supportive, but their timeline is so different from mine. For them, it’s been almost two years and I need to step back into the world.”

“There’s no timeline on grief, Calli.”

“So I’ve read. In my defense, I’m far better than I was, because I want to embrace life again. Six months ago, I barely left my bed. Now, here I am, out for a drink with my friend. That’s an improvement, even if I subjected you to a minor meltdown in the process.”

We’ll ignore the fact that calling you a friend is physically painful.

“I’ll take you having a meltdown any day of the week. I enjoy you—being with you.” Keegan bites his lip and shifts in his seat, clearly uncomfortable with his own words.

I lean over and rest my hand on his arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I enjoy being with you, too. Far better than my terrible date.”

“Was he that bad?”

I shake my head. “No. He was a nice man, but he wasn’t?—”

I catch myself before I finish the sentence.

“He wasn’t Charlie?” Keegan asks, swirling the contents of his glass.

He wasn’t you.

Thankfully, I keep that thought in my head. “Have you ever been in love? Really and truly in love?”

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