Page 101 of Both Sides Now

When I emerge, Shawn hands me a cup of tea and drops a kiss on my forehead. “Go ahead. The weekend in Mystic.”

“This slideshow popped up on my phone of Charlie and me. I had a meltdown and demanded Keegan take me home. I told him I couldn’t do it—I couldn’t be with him. I basically said all the wrong things and ripped his heart apart. I saw it on his face, but I couldn’t help it. Help him. So, he took me home. After I got here and started living without him, I realized how much I miss him. How much I want a future with him. But I’m too late. Keegan doesn’t want a future with me.”

Shawn rests his chin on his hand. “How do you know?”

“He asked me to move to Long Island with him. He’s been offered this ridiculous position.”

“Help me out here. This is a fantastic opportunity, and it certainly sounds like Keegan wants a future with you. So, why are you camped out in your bed?”

“Just wait, it gets better. He wants us to ease into things, and I meaneaseinto them. He wants me to go to Long Island, but as his neighbor.”

I expect my friend to rear back with anger, but instead, Shawn skews his mouth to the side and shrugs. “Is there more?”

Is he serious?

“You don’t think that’s a terrible idea? Because it is, and that’s why I said no. Obviously.”

“And obviously, I don’t know why.”

“Neighbors, Shawn? Come on.”

“You ripped his heart out, Calli. He’s being careful. What do you want him to do? What would you have done in his situation? I don’t blame the man one bit.”

My shoulders sag beneath the weight of Shawn’s words, and the truth is a heavy burden sometimes. During that entire dinner, I figured I was justified in my righteous anger that Keegan didn’t want to put a ring on it and rush me to the altar. Okay, I’m exaggerating, but I swore that night in Connecticut, there was something magical between us. We were on the same page.

Until we weren’t.

The reason we weren’t? I changed course without consulting him. Keegan was only reacting to me.

Which means this whole situation is my fault.

“You’re crazy about him. He’s crazy about you,” Shawn states. “You can fix this mess.”

Might as well spillallthe dirt from last night. “Keegan might be crazy about me but he sure wasn’t crazy about the idea of me having Charlie’s baby.”

Shock crosses Shawn’s face. “Ah, yeah, I can see where that would be an issue.”

Seriously, whose side is my friend on?

“Why is it an issue? I met Keegan when I went to his office, wanting to have Charlie’s baby. Besides, it’s not like he wants marriage and a family.”

“Neither did I until I met Suzanne. Things change when you fall in love.”

I twist my bath towel in my hands, as my aggravation grows. “But he didn’t change. I asked Keegan that night if he wanted children. He said he didn’t know. As if that was an acceptable response. I told him I couldn’t base my life on a series of possibilities.”

“Callista, that’salllife is. You, of all people, know that. Come on, if the roles were reversed, you’d be livid and heartbroken right now. What did you expect him to say?”

“I don’t know.” I toss the towel across the room and avert my gaze. “Yes, I do. I wanted him to tell me that he wanted me. Forever.”

“You want Keegan to be all in when you’re not?”

This friendly chat, which I thought would make me feel better, is instead showcasing the long list of mistakes I’ve made where Keegan is concerned.

“He wanted me to sell the house.”

“You hate this house.”

“But, it’s my house with Charlie.”

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