Page 34 of Peacock Me Like a Hurricane

Everything in me stills like a shock wave hit me. I try to find the air in my lungs, but I can’t. All I can do is mumble, “I-I understand if you need to.”

How I got those words out, I don’t know. It felt like eating ground glass. My entire being halts in place as I wait to find out if my stupid idea to help Rafe and I close the book on this chapter of our lives backfired. I would hyperventilate if I could even breathe.

“Well.” He lets go of me, turning away as the chill in the air increases.

“Maybe… maybe I was wrong bringing you into all of this… this world.” I move off of his lap, needing space to displace the fear and pain that is swelling inside of me.

“Are you saying that you shouldn't have been with me?” Popping off the bed, he paces around the room like a caged animal. “I mean, why the fuck not? Everything I touch disintegrates.”

I walk over to him and reach up to turn his face back to me. “Don't. That's not what I meant. I meant that I was sorry that I brought you into this mess with Rhea.”

“Are you kidding me? From what I read, Rafe's problems with her were because of what happened when I spoke to her. All of your problems are my fault. Everyone wants to fix her and make her better, so that they can be with her again.” He stalks to the bar, snarling as he loses his temper. “Fuck.When the hell is loving someone or wanting to have something for my fucking self ever going tonotbe tainted by fucking shithead bitches!”

I wince, swallowing hard as my fear of losing him and the trauma from Wilde clash inside of me. I put my hands on my thighs, trying to hide the shaking as I race to figure out how to control the layers of terror exploding in my chest. When I finally manage to speak, I pick each word carefully. “She wants to blame someone for her behavior. Catching you before I could explain made it easy for her to transfer that guilt to you.”

“She fuckinglied,Deli” he roars.

“I’m aware. She lied to all of us.” I walk closer, hoping that if I touch him, it will calm both of us.

He jerks away, heading for the large armchair to drop into it. His expression is more vulnerable than I’ve ever seen it. “Why does everyone want to fix her? She's been so horrible. Why can't I love someone and have it be fun and light?”

With that question, I realize that he’s been internalizing a lot of resentment towards my ex-family members. I’m not surewhat I said that sent him spinning, but he needs help. I have to get myself under control so I can do that. Closing my eyes, I breathe slowly, looking for my center so that the trembling will stop. When I feel like I’m not going to heave, I walk over to the couch.

“Listen to me, baby. I realize now that helping her is beyond my capabilities. It breaks my heart that I can’t. It feels like giving up, and I’m not good at giving up on people I care about. It’s my nature to try to fix it until I beat myself bloody. I know now, after her response to that email, that I cannot continue to let her do this to me or the ones I love. So, I’m letting them go. I have to.”

~I just want someone to like me best.~

I drop to the floor in front of him and put my hands on his knees. Looking up at him with soft eyes, I whisper, “Do you know how many times I could have been with Alistair if I gave in? Or how easy it would have been to let them treat me badly and do nothing? As many times as she would have jumped you if you let her, I’m sure. I've been consciously choosing you because you make me happy.”

He sniffles, but doesn’t respond.

“I love you. I want you. I don't care if anyone likes it. If this is the price I have to pay to have you in my life, I accept it gladly.” I reach up to cup his face, trying to get him to see the truth in my eyes.

“I don't want to go away but... I hurt,” he murmurs in a gravelly voice.

“I don’t want you to go, but if you need to... I will deal with it because I don't want you to get hurt. What you need is important to me.” I look away because I know that I can’t hide the emotions running over my face.

Panic, fear, sadness, and resignation are swamping my system and I can’t bring myself to lie to him. I also can’t make myself ask him to stay. This world can be so amazing, but ithasn’t been lately. Taurus hasn’t even hit the bottom of the barrel of unpleasantness that I’ve lived with since the holidays.

No one should have to go through what Rafe and I have gone through, even by proxy.

“All I know is this: Blondie and I are done. Her and Talia—that's for them to suss out. Personally, Talia is pissed because she hurt me. She's protective of me.”

“She should be. If I knew what to do to help you, I’d be doing it. I'm afraid to make things worse.”

“You don't have to fix me,” he growls.

“I’m scared. I can’t stand seeing you hurt. I don’t know what to do.”

“Why are you scared?”

I bite my lip, unsure how to answer without baring so much that I can’t take it back. “Because I’m sure that I’m going to lose you and I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t want to pressure you into staying with me, but I’m scared.” I let out a shaky breath. He has no idea how hard that was to say. I’ve been so trained, so conditioned, to put myself second to those I love that voicing my needs has become difficult for fear of reprisal.

His voice is soft. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m afraid I’m going to lose you.”

I shake my head. “Only if you tell me to go away. Otherwise, I'll always be here.”

“Would you fight for me like you have for Blondie and her mate?”

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