Page 98 of Peacock Me Like a Hurricane

Feeling like a total bitch, I walk over and drop onto the couch, tucking myself into the cushions as if making myself smaller will lessen the pinch.

He lets out a breath, looking at his left hand. I sit my chin on my knees, spreading my long hair curtain around me like a shield. The air is shrinking around me as I wait. “People don’t understand the way I’m wired. They can’t figure out why the big bad would want to be faithful to one—now two—chits. I don’t have the stomach for being second. I’m defined by my choices. I don’t ask others to make the same decisions, but I need to know what they stand for. The only person—aside from the golden goddess—that I trust to tell me what they need is you.”

He looks up and meets my eyes. “You don’t always do that without me making an issue about it, and you’re riddled by guilt and ‘shouldn’ts’. I don’t know if you meant it like that, but when I took this ring, I chose the finger to wear it on. I said something to you without saying it. and I’ve mentioned it in passing once or twice, as well.”

I lick my lips. He has mentioned it and I caught it, to tell the truth, but since I’ve never seen him even blink at maybe returning the gift—I’ve sort of pushed it out of my mind. I know it's like he can’t because of what I can’t give him. That’s my choice and I know it, but it hurts, so I don’t mention it. He’s not trying to hurt me, I know, but still. I speak, wanting to tread away from that topic as best I can because I cannot bear the thought of him telling me those reasons out loud.

My heart can’t take that from him.

“The reason that I can’t always say it is because of my ethics and due to people and their blasted rules. It’s hard for me to know if I’m crossing a line that I didn’t know about. I know you’re different and I’m trying to be better about it. I’ve crossedlines I didn’t mean to before with a couple of people, and I got burned. Please understand that I’m trying to make it easier. Sometimes, I get afraid that I’ll screw it all up and lose you. That would kill me.”

His look is serious. “There is only one way you couldeverlose me. Lie to me, or keep something from me because you think I’ll hurt or betray me, and I’m so gone that it’ll be like I was never here. That is the only way—theonlyway — you lose me. I walked into this with my eyes open about your past. Few things I’ve learned since then? I know you have to be with your other mates. Iknowand I hate it. It’s like a very large, serrated blade tearing through my heart and lungs, but I know it. I live with it, and I’ll live with it after it happens. It hurts worse than you’d want to imagine.”

My eyes close and I want to scream ‘but I don’twantto’, but I can’t. I don’t know how to extricate myself from the mess I’m in. I don’t want tobeher. So, I nod and murmur, “When I gave you that, I meant something by it. I was so happy and humbled when you put it where you did because I love you so much. Truth be told, if I could only be with you and none of the rest, I would, but I can’t. I love them and would never hurt them like that. I just can’t do it after her.”

“I know, baby. I’d never ask you to do that for me, but it helps to know you’d prefer it was different, though. I got into something with you I may not have gotten into had I known how much it would stir up among the hive. If I hadn’t, it would have been a poor decision. The bottom line is that, there’s nothing—no amount of personal pain—that could be more of a tragedy than never having known you would have been.”

A stray tear leaks from my eye and I clamp my lips together, hoping to keep it together. “I’m thrilled. I’m so happy to be with you like I am, doing what we did. I do not care if they’re all buzzing around like bees in a bonnet. I do not decide what I wantbased on what the crowd thinks and wants. I base that on what I want and need. Period. I want and need you and if they don’t like it, it’snotmy problem.”

I’m stretching a little there, because this speech is my ideal Deli—the woman I was before all the pain. I want to be her again and telling him this makes it real. “I’m not responsible for everyone’s happiness and don’t care to be. If they love me, they get over things they may not like because of that. If not, they deal with that decision on their own. You’re not stirring up stuff that’s not already stirred up. Things have not been the same with Wilde since the big December mess. Somewhere inside, I’m sure he knows that.”

That makes his brows furrow, but he doesn’t press me. “The golden goddess is going to continue seeing him.”

“That’s fine with me. It’s a bad idea, but I learned alongtime ago not to care who Wilde is screwing. I’m destined to be unhappy if I do.”

“She’s going to do it more than she’s played with him so far, though. She’s been far too accepting of his behavior than she should.”

“Wilde has plenty of people pounding on his door. I’ve never contemplated having him to myself because he’d never do it. He doesn’t even tell me who he’s seeing. I don’t care what Wilde does; I’m only worried about her. She has to set clear, unbreakable boundaries. It’s very important.”

Please, please listen to me this time. Dear Goddess, please let them hear me this time.

“She wants Sari and Wilde to know that it’s not because she’s jealous of you and I. Bottom line, she’s not. I wouldn’t be here if she had a problem with it.”

“Rafe has no problem with us. He’s never jealous over anything because he’s very secure. He’s shared me from day one and we fell in love almost at first sight. We can talk about lovingthe same person and be comfortable. He’s never going to be an issue and don’t let anyone tell you differently.”

“Talia’s going to need to make sure they understand—no, that’s not a good way to say it. You can’t make people understand; the only thing I can do is tell them the truth. She’s going to let them know she will not be stomping in here, dragging me back home, or asking to join us in a group fuck for prosperity’s sake.”

I nod, contemplating how to say this without spilling the beans on thebigsecretthat I still do not want to even think about talking about—with anyone. “She needs to be clear as a bell about her intentions with Wilde. Because I promise he has his own agenda that he will not share. That’s who he is. Now, he may ignore what she tells him, but she has to be as clear as she can. It’s important to draw lines and not let him cross them—not even a little.”

“Does it bother you that I think of myself as your husband now?” He looks nervous as he approaches the couch, twisting the ring on his finger.

“Are you kidding? No, I love that you do. It makes me all warm and fuzzy and stuff.”

“You’re okay with my decision to be exclusive with you because of this ring? That means that the next time I talk to Tamara, and she goes for me, I give her the smack down.”

I don’t answer for a moment, imagining that situation.

“I swear, woman, you better not have a sodding problem with me being exclusive with you!”

My voice is low and trembling a bit because so many emotions are hitting me at once. I’m having such a hard time containing them all while making sure that I look sane. “Baby, I love that you want to be only with me. I’ve never—no one has ever even offered. No one has wanted me that much before. Itmakes me very awed.” I wipe my eyes, because damned if they aren’t leaking. Fuck.

He tugs me into his lap and holds me close. “I can’t help it. I love you too much.”

Wrapping around him, I mutter, “I love you so much it hurts.”

“Christ, I hope we don’t have to do that again; it’s gut wrenching.”

I nod. “Hard stuff sucks.”

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