Page 33 of Guarded from Danger

“The Refuge is this place in New Mexico. It’s run by a bunch of guys who used to serve. They all struggled with PTSD after leaving the military, so they started it as a place for people to go to work on their recovery. There are counselors, therapyanimals, lots of space… a friend of mine, Nora, went there and it helped her a lot.”

It sounds nice, but the thought of leaving Xavier and Blade and Arrow makes me feel cold all over. “And you want me to go there?”

“No…” He frowns. “Selfishly, I want you with me. The idea of you leaving, of not being there to protect you… it makes me feel sick. But I want you to get some help, Luce. What you went through, it’s too much to handle on your own.”

“But I don’t want to leave you.” Clutching his hand, I add, “I know I’ve been stubborn, not seeing a counselor. It was stupid. I thought… I don’t know. That because no one touched me, that I was left alone, I’d eventually get past it.”

“Someone did touch you, Luce.” His expression goes stormy. “They hurt you. Terrified you. What they did was just as bad.”

As I gaze into Xavier’s eyes, I can see everything he’s feeling, right there, undisguised. Worry. Fear. Guilt. And something much deeper than affection. And in my heart, I know he’ll do anything if he thinks it’s best for me, even if it’s the last thing he wants.

It gives me the strength to say, “I’ll see a counselor. Anything else that helps. But I want to stay here. With you. As long as you want me to.”

Emotion tightens his features. In a rush, he says, “I want you here. More than anything. And I’ll help you. We can find a counselor who does virtual sessions. Erik said any time you want to do yoga or meditation with him, he’d be happy to. It helped him a lot with his own PTSD. And Sarah said Rambo is almost done with his therapy dog training. We could have him come over?—”

“Okay.” I kiss his bristly jaw, closing my eyes as I breathe in his familiar scent for a second. “I’ll do all of it. Whatever it takes. I want—” My nose prickles. “I want to get better.”

“Oh, Lucy.” Xavier cups my cheek, holding my gaze. “You’re so strong. I know you don’t think so, but you are. And I’m so damn proud of you.”

I bite my cheek hard to keep from crying. “Thank you for being here for me.”

He blinks. “Of course, sunshine. Always. I told you that.” After a long pause, he says more lightly, “I have an idea, Luce. We’ll make some calls this afternoon, get you set up with a counselor, all that good stuff. And then tonight, we have a date.”

My heart lifts. “A date?”

He grins. “Yeah. A date. It’ll be great. You’ll see.”

“What do you think, Luce?”

Xavier glances at me, a small smile tugging at his lips, a hopeful expression lighting his gaze. “I wanted to plan something that wasn’t in the apartment. It’s not a fancy dinner or a show or the aquarium, but?—”

“I love it.” Squeezing his hand, I look around the barn again, taking in all the new additions. “This isperfect.”

The restored barn was already nice, thanks to hours of work from the team. It has a huge outdoor kitchen, plenty of comfortable couches and chairs, an assortment of games like foosball and corn hole, plus a full theater setup all the way in the back. Strung along the rafters are thousands of white twinkle lights, and when it’s dark, it looks like a sky full of stars.

But what Xavier did made it even better.

He created a special movie night with all of my favorites.The Holidayis ready to play on the large projection screen, and there’s a couch placed just at the right distance in front of it, set with pillows and fluffy throws. There’s a table loaded with everysnack I’ve ever mentioned liking—Reeses and tortilla chips with seven-layer dip and mini pizzas with pepperoni, just to start—and my favorite hard seltzers in an ice-filled bucket beside them.

That would be enough on its own, but thoughtful Xavier went even further. As we walk closer to the couch, I see an adorable stuffed cat tucked alongside the pillows, smiling the sweetest little smile up at me. And on the table beside the couch, there’s an enormous bouquet of tulips in a cheery yellow, a color I mentioned always making me feel happy.

“I would have done more,” he explains, “but there wasn’t a lot of time to plan. Next time, I’ll do more. Make it fancier. But I thought this might cheer you up…”

Flinging my arms around him, I hug him tight. “I love it. So much. My favorite movie, and the snacks, and the flowers… and that adorable cat. It’s perfect. I couldn’t pick a better date.”

His hand strokes down my back. “While you were doing yoga with Erik, I went to that gift shop in Seguin. And when I saw the cat… I know it’s a toy, but I just thought you might like it.”

Oh.

My heart swells until it feels too big for my body.

I love him.

Not falling. I’m already there.

But I don’t want to just blurt it out. Not like this. I want to be better, stronger, so he knows my words are real. And I don’t want him to feel obligated to say them back because he’s afraid I can’t handle rejection.

It’s not that I think he’ll reject me, but… I’m not sure if he’s at the same place as me.

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