Page 6 of All Your Firsts Without Me

He didn’t need to be right next to me, just where I could see him. I can’t explain why I couldn’t form words without my eyes on him. I think it was due to my worry that something stupid would fall out of my mouth. I said the wrong thing often as a child, my backside is proof of it. But, with David near, I knew if I spoke in error, he would protect me.

He’s quiet and patient. I’ve never heard him raise his voice to anyone. Not even when Kaden came home late one night when he was seventeen, so drunk, he could hardly stand up. The next morning, they had a long talk about consequences and risks. Not once did he tell him he was evil or that he was going to burn in hell.

That was the day I fell in love with David. I mean, I’ve always loved him, but it had been a different kind of love. It was innocent, born from my need to feel safe, but when I watched him talk with Kaden at the table that day, I realized my feelings for him were changing. I’d lived with them for three years. Not once in all those years had David ever done or said anything that would’ve encouraged me to fall for him. He showed me unconditional love with absolutely no strings attached.

I know what people thought when we became a couple. They thought he had done evil things and had manipulated me into his bed, but nothing could be further from the truth. I made the first move. And believe me when I say I put great thought and care into the decision. I made a mistake kissing a boy once and it led to four years in a dark, cold basement. I didn’t want to make another mistake, and I sure didn’t want to do anything that might jeopardize my relationship with David.

He refused me for a long time. He told me my feelings for him weren’t real and it was because I felt guilty about his accident. I did feel guilty, but it had nothing to do with the change taking place inside of me.

You’re wondering about the accident, aren’t you? I don’t like to think about it. It changed everything.

It happened on the day he asked me to move in with him and Kaden. He stopped at the mall on his way home to purchase a yellow starburst quilt for my new room. He wanted it to be a cheerful, bright space since I had spent so many years sleeping in a dark, cold, concrete room.

While he was there, an armed man entered the building and began shooting shoppers. David was on the other side of the mall at the time the active shooter call rang through the building. He didn’t hide with everyone else. He didn’t flee. No. He ran right towards the man.

David saved many lives that day. He managed to take the shooter down, killing him with one shot but not before a bullet grazed his spinal cord, instantly paralyzing him.

That day killed his career as a police officer, but it didn’t destroy his spirit.

My therapist took me to the hospital to visit him once he was stable. When I walked in, he smiled at me like nothing had changed. The guilt almost crippled me. He made me sit on the edge of his bed, his hand wrapped tightly around my fingers. He told me yes, he was there for me, but it was not my fault. He was glad he was there. He said helping people was what he lived for and because he was there, he saved lives. He didn’t say because of me he lost his ability to walk, instead he said everything happens for a reason and how happy he was to be able to have more time to spend with Kaden and me.

Never did I see him complain. He embraced his new life with gusto.

So, when my feelings for him changed, he blamed guilt. Yes, I had and still have a certain amount of guilt over that fateful day, but it wasn’t what made me see him in a different light. It was me. I started to see him through the eyes of a woman.

Eventually, he admitted his feelings were also changing. We took it slow. It was exactly what I needed. He’s healed me in so many ways. I can’t even begin to tell you everything this man has done for me.

Tears fall hot down my cheeks, the breeze cooling them before they reach my chin. He healed me, and now he is going to destroy me. Sure, I put on a brave face but deep down I know I cannot survive without him.

Don’t tell anyone, but I’ve secretly been hiding two narcotic pain pills each time he gets a new script. They give me peace of mind. I’m afraid when he’s gone, I’ll be forced back into the dark and there will only be one way out. Those tablets are my portal back to him.

I hope I won’t need them but how can I know. I haven’t had to live without him since I was sixteen. He makes me promise him daily I will keep moving forward. I have good intentions when I make those vows. I do. I really do. I want to be strong and live for him. I’ll try. I will.

Sometimes, I lie in bed when he is in the other room and pretend he’s gone. It kills me. It’s times like that I know I need the safety of those hidden drugs.

“Boo!” Kaden whoops behind me, making me jump a foot.

“Kaden! Why do you insist on scaring me all the time?”

“It’s what I do.” He laughs and sits down beside me. “Dad went to bed. He says he’s tired.”

I frown. He is fatigued more and more every day. The tears start again, much to my chagrin. I quickly brush them away, hoping Kaden doesn’t notice but it’s hopeless.

“Hey. It’s okay. Go ahead and cry, April.” He pulls me close and pushes my head down on his shoulder.

“I’m… I’m sorry, Kaden. I don’t want to damper your visit.”

He chuckles miserably. “April, you know why dad called me home, don’t you?” He tips my chin so he can look into my eyes.

“Because he missed you?” I ask on a hiccup.

He shakes his head sorrowfully. “He knows the time is near.”

I stare at him for a pregnant minute before jumping to my feet. “No. He’s wrong. The doctors have said nothing of the sort. He could live for years and years on dialysis. He’s wrong. Goddammit, he’s wrong!” I scream to the ocean. A wave crashes angrily at my feet, even it knows how wrong this is. I’m crying hard and fast now. Harder than I ever cried when I was locked in that stupid basement. That was nothing compared to this.

Kaden doesn’t move, he watches me quietly while I rage at the universe. It’s all so unfair. Am I being punished for my sinful ways? My father always told me that no sin goes unpunished.

“April, sit down.”

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