Page 5 of All Your Firsts Without Me

Her therapist encourages her to speak without my presence but so far, all efforts have been unsuccessful.

She’ll be turning eighteen in a few months. Where she will go after that has everyone, including myself, concerned. She has continued to grow and progress, but her lack of communication is troublesome.

“Why won’t you talk when I’m not around?”

“You are my sunshine. Without you, I cannot bloom,” she answers shyly. She’s a bit of a poet. I’m slowly learning to decipher her way of communicating.

“Sweetheart, you have to learn to speak when I’m not around.”

She turns her face away from me and continues to write in the journal I gifted her. “You look at me with different eyes,” she says while scribbling words onto the paper.

“My eyes are just like anyone’s. Everyone here wants to help you.”

She pauses and bites the end of her pen. “Your eyes are filled with sunshine and happiness. Everybody else’s are filled with pity and morbid curiosity.”

I’ve watched her grow from a timid little girl to a quiet, beautiful young woman but, she is still trapped in that basement. Still afraid to speak without me. Her therapist thinks it’s because I was the first person she saw outside of her family.

“April, I’m not always going to be around. Please, for me, you need to try,” I beg.

Tears pool in her eyes. “You’re going to stop coming to see me?” her tiny voice cracks.

I sigh loudly. “I’m not abandoning you. But you turn eighteen in a few months, and you’ll be too old to stay here. You know Sandy is looking at colleges for you. If you go to one of them, you will need to talk to other people. I cannot be with you every minute of the day.”

“I’m not going to college.” She slams the journal shut, shooting to her feet.

“April.” I reach for her hand, but she sprints away, her long hair billowing behind her.

If I could be with her for more than a few hours each week, maybe I could crack the shell she’s encased herself in. I’ll have to talk to my son, Kaden, about this.

CHAPTER THREE

April ~ Present

As soon as Kaden walks through the door, I’m jumping into his arms. “I saved you some supper,” I tell him excitedly. “Your favorite, homemade mac and cheese.”

He laughs and walks with me in his arms to the kitchen. “Good, I’m starving.” He sets me on my feet before opening the oven to take a big whiff. “Smells wonderful.”

“Kaden, you made it,” David says, wheeling himself out to the kitchen to join us. He stops close to his son as Kaden bends down to give him a big bear hug. David wraps his arms around his son tightly, not letting go, a single tear runs down his cheek.

Doom creeps up my spine, lodging itself in my throat. “I’m going to go sit out on the beach and give you two time to catch up.” I rub my hand over my throat, urging the fear back down.

Kaden stands and turns to look at me. “Don’t leave on my account. I’m here for three days. Plenty of time to catch up with the old man.” He laughs, patting David on the back.

David covers for me, his eyes softening at the panic on my face. “She sits on the beach every night, Kade. Let her go.”

“The waves are my muse,” I add, giving David a quick peck on the cheek before rushing out.

Darkness greets me on the other side of the door. Only the light of the moon illuminates the path from our front door to the beach. I wrap my sweater around me tightly and plop down onto the sand, still warm from the day’s sun. I tuck my journal under my legs and stare at the waves rolling in. Each one is a translucent green as the moon pierces it.

David senses something. He’s been acting strange the past few weeks. Almost as if he is preparing for his goodbye. The doctors haven’t said anything. Yes, I know he is on dialysis, yes, I know that can’t last forever, and yes, I know he’s not a viable candidate for a transplant due to his paraplegia.

But he can’t leave. I’m not prepared. I don’t know if I will ever be ready. He is my rock. David keeps me moving forward. There is no one like him. No one.

My memories roll in like the waves, transporting me back to the morning he told me that he and his son would like me to move in with them. It was a week before my eighteenth birthday. I was about to age out of the system. I’d been a ward of the state since my father’s compound had been shut down.

It was the happiest day of my life. Someone wanted me, flaws, and all.

David knew there would be challenges, but he signed up nonetheless. I was still experiencing nightmares most nights and I was very shy, uncomfortably so. Then there was the fact I didn’t speak unless he was around.

---