Page 54 of Restrictions

He’s worried this is going to become a recurring topic. I get it. I can see the anguish in his eyes when he talks about Colt. “I understand.”

“I was there, Viv.”

I look at him, seeing the darkness is back in his beautiful eyes, his brows draw together, and his neck tightens. “Where?”

“I was at that party. When you and him...” He swallows hard, stopping himself as his tormented gaze pierces me.

“I don’t remember seeing you.”

“I don’t remember being there. It was during my blackout, dipshit phase.”

I turn to face him, also holding myself up with the ledge. “How do you know then?”

“Sawyer. He remembered. He was there too. Said I was fucked-up that night, which isn’t fucking surprising. I was there when Colt fucked you. Got you pregnant. Turned all of our lives upside down, and I didn’t do a fucking thing about it because I was too busy trying to get noticed by my parents.”

I take a deep breath, my chest rising and falling, capturing his attention as he looks down, looking even more tortured now as his eyes lift to mine. My voice is a harsh whisper. “What does it matter if you were there or not? It wasn’t your responsibility to stop it.” Not that I would have wanted him to. I’m grateful for Baz.

“If I would have been coherent and saw him there, Viv...” The look on his face guts me. I care about him deeply, and the pain I see swimming inside him is agonizing. “Viv, I would have stopped him. Not that I don’t want Baz in this world. I fucking love that kid, but that night...”

I feel tears bubbling to the surface of my eyes, hating how many people we hurt that night with our actions, but eternally conflicted because I myself wouldn’t change it for the world. “What?”

He’s not done releasing his demons. He needs this. “That night started so much. It set us on a new path. To you, it was an escape. To him...”

He’s careful with his words because I know he doesn’t want to hurt me. So I finish for him. “It was the biggest mistake of his life.”

“It has nothing to do with you and who you are.” His hand brushes over my cheek and rests there, holding me and trying to add some comfort to the ugly truth I already knew. “But yeah. He regretted, Viv. He was in love with Penelope, and he fucked her over. And it ate at him.”

The way he avoided me afterward, I knew how much he hated himself and maybe me for what we did, but it’s something I’ve buried. “I know it did. I hate that it hurt you all.”

“What’s done is done. I was there the night he died too. And again, I did fucking nothing. I was drunk, letting some chick I just met ride me while my brother was dying.” He drops his hand from my cheek.

I hate that image, and I know it’s one he plays over and over. “It’s not your fault, Asher.”

“It’s not yours either.” He leans closer to me, his face deadly serious. “I want you to know that I’m glad Sebastian was born. I wouldn’t trade him for anything. Not even having my brother back, but I hold a lot of guilt from the time he died.”

“I do too.” I close my eyes, unable to look at him as a tear slides down my cheek. “It was a beautiful experience for me. I knew it was wrong, but it was exciting. Doing something bad.” My eyes open, and the intensity of his eyes shock me to my core and send an electric charge through my body. “I’d never broken the rules until then.”

“It’s amazing when you let loose.”

I can feel my breathing increase, being this close to him. Wantinghim despite the grim conversation. It always leads back to lust with Asher. “I want to let loose more often.”

I bite my bottom lip, my body on full alert, begging him to kiss me. I want to feel his lips on mine so badly, but I’m afraid of the inevitable rejection. “Please don’t bite your bottom lip like that.” His voice sounds strained, almost a groan.

“Why?” The word is a gasp, his gaze burning through me.

I watch his full lips as he speaks. “Because you did that right before you came, and I can’t un-see it. No matter how hard I try.”

My mouth goes dry again, and I can feel my nipples pebbling underneath the fabric of my bikini top.

“I can’t help it.” I gnaw on my bottom lip, his eyes watching the motion. “I guess I do that when I feel...” my teeth slide over my bottom lip as my eyes move from his mouth to his eyes, “turned-on.” My voice lowers as I start to lose my nerve and look down at his rippled stomach. “Would it be so bad?” I reach forward and allow my fingers to lightly graze his lower abs under the water.

He lets out a shaky breath as he captures my wrist, not pushing me away, but not allowing me to move either. “I can’t do this.”

I am past the point of shame, and when I get to that point, I realize how dangerous my actions become, but I’m not strong enough to stop. “Baz is asleep.”

“I can’t, Viv.”

I try not to show how badly it hurts that he doesn’t want me that way. “You don’t want to. You seemed attracted to me the other night, able to separate your nephew’s mom from a woman.”

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