Still nothing.
When he pulled me into his arms later that night, I knew it would be the same dance as before. No orgasm. No elation. No butterflies.
But he rolled off of me like it was the best sex of his life. All five minutes of it. He grinned at me and I didn’t know how to even look at him. Usually, he cleaned up and cleared out after. This time it seemed like he wanted to chat. He sighed, content, as he drew lazy invisible patterns on my bare thigh with his pointer finger.
“That was good, huh?”
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I guessed it was now or never. After all, I didn’t get to tell him about the Pole Class or the pottery I wanted to spin. Anything to keep me busy. But I guessed now, I was busy with wedding planning. I sucked in a deep breath.
“Audrey? It was good, right?” Concern laced his tone.
“Can I offer a suggestion?” My throat felt thick with each word I uttered.
He nodded but he didn’t look too happy, especially since I hadn’t answered and my ‘orgasm’ was fake again. He was a smart guy, he was probably already putting all the pieces together in his head.
“Have you ever thought about, maybe, going down on me?” We were going to get married, and communication needed to happen.
“Ew,” He started and my heart sank all the way past my stomach. With that one word my entire libido, or what was left of it, shriveled up into nothing. “Why would I want to do that?”
“I’ve gone down on you before,” I hinted.
“So? We have completely different parts. It would get my face all dirty.” I almost couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Are you not happy with our sex?”
I’d been faking it for so long, that I absolutely had no idea how I was even going to lead into this conversation. I hadn’t thought he would be completely opposed to such a notion. Now that he had, I didn’t exactly know what to do. How could I possibly recover this?
“I really wish it would last a bit longer.” There it was. The elephant in the room that should have been addressed a long time ago. But I’d been too afraid to hurt his feelings.
Instead, Brian changed the subject. “Do you like the ring my mom picked out?”
The conversation only got worse. How did this happen? I held my hand up in the dim light from the lamp in the corner of the room. The bright orange-gold of it and the thick band definitely reminded me of his mother. The diamond was cloudy and didn’t sparkle in the light and there weren’t any stones to keep it company. I didn’t even know the name of the cut, it was a little strange and boxy.
“Your mom picked it out?”
He nodded against the pillow and I so badly wanted to ask him why he was even marrying me. Why he even proposed to begin with. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. “Of course, she handles almost all of the important things in my life.” He patted my hand. “Soon enough that’ll be your job.”
“You didn’t think to ask me what I wanted?”
He looked like a deer caught in headlights. “I was thinking we could get married at the Country Club but Mom said we have to get married at the chapel. What do you think your parents are going to want?”
Oh, shit. I had to tell my parents. I needed to tell Carina. The pit in my stomach was going to swallow me whole.
“My parents probably won’t care.”
He laughed and rolled his eyes. “That’s right, they’re hippies. They don’t know God.”
I blinked. Did Brian? Who was he to make that comment? The longer we talked, the more I realized why he went home after sex. But this was going to be the rest of my life now. There was no escaping his ignorant comments or the bad sex. This was going to be forever. I’d said yes to this.
Even though Iknew Carina would kill me, I chose not to tell her about the engagement until I could see her face to drop the news. The next time we would see each other was in Europe at the Cristof’s private Villa. Brian didn’t come with me this time, even though he wanted to. He kept saying that over and over again as he dropped me off at the airport. I’d practically pried myself from his arms. He’d never been like this before, but now that there was a shackle around my finger, he couldn’t seem to let me go. Which was bizarre.
On the long flight to Rome, I spun the oversized band on my finger. Brian was quick to have it sized at the local jeweler and when I went to pick it up, the poor girl behind the counter grimaced as I slipped it on my finger. Even she knew better.
As I got off the plane, I swallowed back my nerves. It had been a week since Brian proposed and I was waiting to tell Carina. I kept reminding myself that she’d waited a week to tell me, but she’d also waited in absolute bliss. I was waiting in terror and nerves. My legs practically wobbled as I got off of the airplane.
The humidity smacked me in the face as I walked through the terminal. I didn’t speak Italian and I didn’t know what I was looking for. After what seemed like hours of roaming around aimlessly, a voice barked behind me.