Page 95 of Encounter

Letting out a confused noise—like he wasn’t sure if he should laugh or cry—Kevin sighed and finally looked at me again. “Well, at least after kissing you, I really know.”

I still couldn’t get used to this, all of this, so I nervously smiled, pussyfooting in front of him. “I... I’m glad. But again, I’m so sorry I couldn’t be moresupportivein—”

“Fuck.” Kevin’s face went pale and before even putting his hand over his mouth, he was already turning toward the toilets. “I’m gonna be sick,” he murmured, barely audible, and disappeared behind the door.

Finally letting out a deep exhale, I blinked once, twice, thrice—to make sure I really was not dreaming. I still stood in the hallway, still surrounded by the blaring music. Like I also needed some time to process what transpired, I lifted my hand slowly, and I touched my lips, remembering the moment.

He really kissed me.

I glanced at the door and then stepped back. Making myself comfortable, I slid down with my knees against my chest, waiting for Kevin to be done in there.

Was he drinking so much because he was trying to get the courage to do it?

The guilt clawed at my chest. I knew there was nothing to feel guilty about, and even Kevin seemed okay—considering. Maybe he wasn’t even going to remember anything, but... How cruel was it of me to make his first gay kiss be with someone who thought of another man the entire time?

Sensing Kevin was going to be there for a while, I reached for the phone in my pocket. It had been poking me, letting me know it was there the whole night.

With my fingers restless and the back of my mind buzzing with chaotic energy, I bit the inside of my lip as I stared at the last message I sent Chast earlier. The bright light of the phone screen made the black text dance and blur in front of my eyes. That didn’t stop me from scrutinizing it. It was too blunt, dismissive of what Chast sent. Was he thinking I didn’t like his compliment? That I didn’t care for it and only wanted to go out and have fun?

I wanted to tell him; to call him right now, but I stopped myself.Way too out of my mind for that.I wanted him to know how much his compliments meant to me, no matter how plainly, nonchalantly said they were.

I wanted to tell him that no matter how unorthodox our relationship was, all I could think about was how I wanted to spend time with him. To know more about him. To get closer.

I wanted him to be the one to hold me and ravage me, taste me lips, mark my skin.

As the image of the two more times we touched each other since the time he blew me filled my mind, I closed my eyes tight and pressed my thighs together. It was never planned or expected. Nothing with us was. Against all odds, it was what I loved about it so much. The way I was driven by my instincts when I was around Chast, and how right and easy it felt. Like I didn’t have to overthink or analyze. We just did it. We let whatever it was pulling us together guide us, and whenever he touched my skin, it was like I could feel his energy filling me, pushing all of those bothersome, dark thoughts away.

Can’t get hard here, Galen. Stop! You have to get it together,I screamed at myself, but... I didn’t want to get it together. I didn’t want to stop thinking about it, about how Chast’s lips would’ve tasted. Probably like beer and cigarettes.

Looking at the ceiling, I let out a sigh.Was there a reason Chast kept me from kissing him?Had I been nothing but a plaything to him? What if he wasn’t really into men, so kissing me would be a step too far.Maybe he didn’t want me to get the wrong idea? He already said things were good as they were once. That meant he didn’t want it to get too serious but... wasn’t it already? The things we talked about, the time we spent together. Was I the only one who saw it as intimate?

Or perhaps it was him seeing me as some kid. Did Chast hold back because of that? Did he hold back because he still thought it wasn’t what I wanted?

I did. I wanted this. Him.More.

Parting my lips, I watched my fingers as they moved toward the phone’s keyboard almost as if they had a mind of their own. They pressed the letters, one by one, without my brain even acknowledging the meaning. I stared at it, feeling my pulse go faster and faster in my neck—escalating with the beat of the surrounding music.

I read the message over and over and over again as it sat there, ready to be sent. The cursor flashed in sync with the beat of my heart. With every passing second, the message cleared the haze cause by the alcohol in my mind, making me aware of how stupid what I tried to do was. Sending a message like that...No. I can’t do that.

I quickly deleted it and closed the app. Pressing the phone against my chest, I took a deep breath. It wasn’t like Chast inserting his penis into my ass was some final expression of love, but I wanted to experienceeverysingle thing I could with him. Everything I could, before he was inevitably going to disappear out of my life.

It wasn’t something I should ask over the phone—that’s anything but spontaneous, natural. Nothing like it should be.No... Instead, no matter how nerve-wracking and stressful the possibility of Chast denying me and me ruining everything was, I promised myself to leave it for the next time we saw each other.

I promised myself I would try, for once, to do what I really wanted. To risk it all for something that felt worth it and right.

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