Page 139 of Encounter

“Chast, you barely ateagain!” Mia shouted at me from the kitchen, accompanied by the clacking of cutlery and plates. She hadn't stopped jumping around me ever since I arrived. Making me feel like I was completely incompetent, she vented her growing motherly instincts on me, no matter how swollen her ankles were or how much her back hurt.

I already felt like a burden enough crashing at their place, but I couldn’t bear going back to the apartment... Not yet.“Sorry,” I blurted, realizing I completely zoned out on the couch instead of answering her. While Gregory was out dealing with work I lounged around, feeling pathetic and useless.

The dumb shit on the TV slowly bored me to death, and as much as I loved Mia, her complaining and blabbing on about the baby made me wish I’d gone partially deaf instead of getting those stupid blind spots. They were going away gradually at least, but walking around a corner and running into things that appeared next to me freaked the hyper-aware, ex-soldier part of me out.

I flinched when she appeared next to me, slowly lowering herself on the couch with a deep sigh. I knew a pep-talk was coming, and I knew I needed it, but I hated it nonetheless.

“You’ve been so quiet—haven’t even bickered with Gregory,” she said in a low voice, and her soft eyes fixated on me. I stared at the TV—not really watching—and tightened my fists. “Are you in pain?”

“I’m fine.”

Snorting in dissatisfaction, Mia shifted on the couch, staying quiet for a bit.“I know you’re shit at talking about your feelings,” she started in a confident voice overflowing with determination that scared me a little. “But before I’m dragged away to the hospital to have this baby, I need to know how much I should worry about you here.”

Sighing, I shook my head and looked away. I stared through the window leading into the backyard, where the soil was still noticeably different on the spot we buried Kitty.

“Come on.” Her hand rested on my knee. “You know how good I’m at gettin’ info out of people,” she said, making me smirk.

Finally meeting her eyes, I felt stupid and childish for having the need to withdraw, to drown myself in pity. I knew damn well I was dealing with something, and thatnotdealing with it was going to make it worse. I wasn’t twenty anymore—I couldn’t go on, burning my pain away and being irresponsible like I did before. I couldn’t even use the only way that ever worked for me anymore—violence. Mindless physical activity; a complete focus on the mission.

Now, I was rendered useless. Like the angry, bitter old man I never wanted to be, I was left with nothing else to do.

“Maybe I should keep doin’ my job,” I mumbled, letting my thoughts finally translate into words, even though I knew Mia wouldn’t like them. “Fuck it. What else am I supposed to do?” I threw my hands up. “If I get stabbed and get an infection or get sneezed on and die of pneumonia after my first gig back, then so be it. At least I’d die with some dignity, with—”

“Dying needlessly and before your time has nothing to do with dignity, Chast.” Forced to look at her because of the firmness of her tone, I studied Mia’s fiery gaze.

She doesn’t want me to die. I get that.

“Why do I keep going then?Whatam I supposed to do?” I asked, desperate for answers. I told myself I would never end up like my damn father—pathetic, unhappy joke of a man.

Mia hesitated, mouth hanging open with no words coming out. The hand she touched me with was now withdrawn to her stomach. She held her belly like she cradled the baby, soothing both of them. “I... Ever since I’ve known you, you never pondered about the meaning of life. You justdidthings. Did them good. I know you feel lost right now, and losing Kitty was horrible—”

Like the dam I built to hold it all in was started to crumble, I let out a deep sigh and rubbed my eyes, making Mia pause.“I got too comfortable,” I whispered, talking into my lap. “I... got mesmerized by this stupid, dreamy image of a normal life, of Galen, Kitty. Us living like a family.”

I didn’t know why I did what I did—why I acted that way. It destroyed anything that could have been between us. There was no going back now. And Galen clearly wasn’t interesting in going back, either. He hadn’t called or left a message... I wasn’t going to be the one crawling back again, pushing. If he made his choice, the only one struggling with it was me.

“That can still happen,” Mia blurted out, hopeful and cheery, but it only made me scoff.

I shook my head. “You didn’t see his face. I fucked up. I fucked up completely, and...” God, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. His eyes, his quivering lip, the desperation in his voice as he called me. “It’s better this way, anyway. I’m fucking useless, can’t do shit now—what would a young person like him want to do with someone like me?” I chuckled, slapping my hands over my knees.Leaning back into the couch, I closed my eyes and covered my face.

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