Page 123 of When You Had Me Adapting

He pushes off the counter and leans back against the counter across from me. “I was wondering if we could stop at my mom’s grave.”

“Oh, Jace…” My heart simultaneously breaks and swells with pride. I know he’s never been, and part of me wonders why today, but I don’t question him.

“We don’t have to,” he begins, looking down at the hardwood floors. “I didn’t mean to blindside you with that. I know it’s close by and?—”

“You didn’t blindside me.” I step forward, wrapping my arms around his waist. “I think we need some new rules. If this is going to work this time, we need to talk to one another. When we were kids we talked about everything. We didn’t let fear get in the way of confiding in one another about how we felt or what we wanted to do. I don’t want to lose you again, so we talk.” I rub my hands up and down his back. “Promise me you’ll talk to me. No more assumptions. No more apologies. If you want to go see your mom, you don’t have to apologize. Of course I’ll go with you.”

He plants a kiss to my forehead. “Deal, pixie.”

“Pinky promise?”

“Pinky promise.” He links his pinky with mine.

CHAPTER 52: HI, MAMA

JACE

Ipull through the gates and follow the paved drive over to where we laid my mom to rest. Her grave is situated under a large oak tree. My grandparents are buried to her left and to her right is the plot of land my dad bought for himself. It’s a harsh reminder of why I need to get this job at the center and I hate it. The thought of one day losing him, like I lost her, makes a knot form in the pit of my stomach. I park the Jeep and look over at Lacey. She’s sitting staring out the window holding the large bouquet of sunflowers we bought on the way.

I kill the ignition and she turns to look at me. “You ready?”

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. I’m not sure what I’m doing here. I don’t know what to do. It feels like it’s been too long and the guilt of never coming before consumes every part of me. Being back on the street where I grew up made me miss her and so I thought maybe it was time to rip the Band-Aid off.

“What are you unsure about?” she asks, taking my hand in hers. Her thumb draws soft circles on the back of my hand, calming me.

“I feel guilty about never coming before. I don’t know how to do this.” She offers me a soft smile.

“We will do whatever feels right. If you want to talk to her you can, or if you want to sit in silence we can do that too.” She squeezes my hand tightly. “I’m right here and will be the whole time unless you tell me otherwise.”

I consider her words and nod my head. Tears prick the back of my eyes and I try to swallow the pain down.

“You ready?” she asks.

We both climb down from the Jeep and she walks around the front, handing me the flowers and taking my other hand in hers. We walk across the grass toward the headstone engraved with the name Anne Jackson.

“Hey, Annie, I brought someone to see you,” Lacey says, reaching down to remove some old flowers from her grave. My eyes fill with tears at her words, and I wipe them away as they fall down my face. Lacey walks back to my Jeep and puts the old flowers in the back so we can dispose of them later.

She returns, takes a seat in front of the small plot, and pats the ground, encouraging me to join her. Taking a step forward, I lay the sunflowers at the base of my mom’s headstone. “Hi, Mama.” It comes out in a whisper as I brush my hand across the top of the rough stone, close my eyes, and try to calm the tears that continue to fall.

I sit down next to Lacey on the manicured grass. She grabs my hand again and lays her head on my shoulder. We sit there for a long while, neither of us speaking. The sun is warm on my back and there’s a slight breeze. A few cars pass by with other people going to visit their lost loved ones. A squirrel hops across the lawn and the air fills with the sounds of chirping birds from the tree above.

Lacey breaks our silence. “What’s on your mind, J?”

I take a deep breath. “There is so much I wish I could tell her, but I feel ridiculous saying them to a rock and not her.”

“Why don’t you try telling me then?” She nuzzles into me and I instantly feel a little calmer. A little more comfortable with continuing to speak.

“I wish so badly we could have wandered over to the old house today after lunch with your parents. I wish I could have walked in and found her in the kitchen baking something and Dad watching TV.”

She lifts her head off my shoulder and her green eyes find mine. “I wish we could have too. What else?”

“I feel so guilty this is the first time I’ve been here since she died. I feel like a coward that I was always too scared to feel the feelings associated with coming here. I feel like the world’s worst son never taking my dad up on it.”

“You aren’t the world’s worst son,” a deep voice says. I turn to see my dad walking up behind us. A large bouquet of flowers in his hand and his eyes already a little glossy.

“Dad?” I stand quickly, brushing off the back of my shorts. I glance down at Lacey and then back over to him, wondering if she’s the reason he’s here. “How’d you know I’d be here?”

“I didn’t,” he says. “I come every Saturday to make sure she has fresh flowers.”

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