Page 124 of When You Had Me Adapting

Lacey stands. “Hi, Mr. Jackson.”

“Hey, sweetheart.” He walks over and wraps her in a hug. “It’s so good to see you.”

“You too.”

“So, how’s my girl?” he asks, looking toward the headstone and placing his flowers next to mine.

I look over at Lacey and she’s studying my dad and I. “I think I’m going to give you two a minute. I’ll be over by the Jeep, if you need me.”

I watch as she walks away.

“I’m glad you’re here, kid,” my dad says.

“Me too.” A sob breaks free. The tears begin to fall and I can’t stop them. There’s no use. “I’m so sorry, Dad.”

He wraps me in a hug and holds me while I cry, like he did when I was a kid. “You don’t need to apologize,” he assures me.

“But I do.” I take a step back. “You’ve asked me to come here with you so many times and I never did. I’ve been so absent despite having the apartment. You were right at the hike. I’ve been running. Running from losing Lacey and then when we lost Mom, I ran from that too. I don’t know how to do this. How to be vulnerable. How to feel these feelings.”

“You’re doing it now though and that’s what matters,” he assures me. He takes a seat in the grass. “Sit with me?”

I sit down next to him and he pats me on the back. “You know, after she died, I came up here every day for the first year. The pain of losing her was overwhelming and coming here and talking to her put me at ease. Sometimes I would sit here and cry. Beg her to come back to me. Other days, I would tell her about you. She would have been so proud of you, Jace.”

I let his words settle. My heart clenches. “I miss her so much. After my trip to Vancouver, I actually dialed her number, wanting so bad to tell her about the family of wolves we had photographed. It rang a couple times before I realized she wouldn’t be picking up. She couldn’t. She was gone.”

“I saved a couple voicemails, and on the hard days it helps to listen to them. What made you want to come today?” he asks.

“Lacey.”

“It’s good to see y’all are friends again.”

“We’re more than that. We’re giving it another shot.”

“Mom would’ve loved to hear that.”

“I think so too.”

“You know, on your mom’s first birthday after she died, I came up here expecting to be alone, but I wasn’t. When I got here, Lacey was here.”

I turn and look behind me. She is leaning against my Jeep, her blonde hair blowing in the slight breeze. She seems lost in her thoughts, and for a second, I wonder what’s on her mind. “She mentioned she had come before.”

“She was singing your mom “Happy Birthday” and had brought cupcakes,” he chuckles again. I laugh at the thought of my girl throwing my mom a birthday party.

“Lacey,” I call, gesturing for her to come over.

“What are you two laughing about?” she asks, walking toward us.

“I was telling Jace about the birthday party you threw Annie here.” My dad’s face breaks out in a wide grin and hers turns a deep shade of pink.

“You’re amazing,” I say as she sits down next to me. I grab her hand and bring it to my mouth, planting a kiss on the back of it.

“Annie was special and she deserved to be celebrated.” She smiles.

I see a flash of red in my periphery, and when I look up, a cardinal is perched on the top of the headstone. I smile. “You know, some people say cardinals are lost loved ones visiting us,” I say, pointing to the bird.

“They definitely are.” Lacey smiles.

The three of us sit there for the next hour, sharing stories about my mom. With every memory shared, I feel my shoulders relax and a little more at peace.

---