Page 194 of The Perfect Love

He shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. “You heard what he said. About me helping him. I’m so sorry. I swear, I never thought he did anything like that, and I would never have helped him. But the thought that I enabled him in any way to do that to you… I don’t blame you if you hate me.”

Well, that was not what I was expecting.

“Wait, you don’t think you actually had something to do with him assaulting me, do you?” I stare at him, the realization hitting me all at once, that yes, he does. Of course he does. Of course my sweet, stupid, overprotective man, who only wants to take care of the people he loves, has been beating himself up thinking he hurt me.

I sink onto the bench next to him, feeling awful now that I didn’t make it clearer I wasn’t mad. I never thought he’d go to that place, but I should’ve known better.

“Trevor, look at me.” He reluctantly turns toward me. “I’m so sorry. Sorry I didn’t make it clear I wasn’t angry at you. I wasn’t thinking about that stuff at all. I’m sorry because all I thought about was myself. I ran away, and while I needed space to process, I should’ve been clearer about why and what that meant. I wasn’t questioning anything between us. I just needed time alone to deal with it all.”

He chokes back a sob. “You really don’t blame me?”

I grab his hand, holding it tight enough to cause a bit of pain. I need him to focus, to stop thinking this shit.

“Youare not responsible for what he did. Not in any way. You spent so much time proving you’re worthy of my trust. I trust you. I know you. I know you would never hurt anyone like that.”

“But what about the times I covered for him when people asked questions? There was a time when the campus police came and asked if he was around or if he’d been to some party, and I lied and said I didn’t think so, but what if that was about you?”

I take his hands. “Then they didn’t do their job. It’s not like you swore an oath. It’s normal you’d want to support your friend. That’s not what he ended up being, but it’s not like you’d known specifics or were actually questioned and then actively lied for him. Anyone who took your half-assed answer as the clear truth did a shitty job. Maybe it’s a lesson learned about who you trust and who you’re willing to cover for, but that’s all. You have to let this go. Stop blaming yourself or convincing yourself you’re hurting people because you’re not.”

“Tell that to Sarah.”

“What happened?”

I listen as he tells me, and once again, I don’t think he’s in the wrong. Sure, he called her on her shit and maybe could’ve said it a bit nicer, but he wasn’t mean, either. And he wasn’t wrong.

“It sounds to me like you said what she needed to hear.”

“But with the space she was in… I pushed her over the edge.”

“Maybe it was a push, but something would’ve given her that no matter what. You’re not responsible for her mental health getting to the point it was at, and walking on eggshells doesn’t solve anything. Yes, you know her well. You knew what kind of state she was in, and you’re letting that cloud your judgment now. You’re holding yourself responsible for her actions simply because you didn’t treat her with kid gloves. That’s not on you.”

“You give me too much grace.”

“No. I give you the grace you deserve—the grace everyone deserves. You’re too hard on yourself. Do you know what I see when I look at you?” He shakes his head. “I see a deeply loving, caring,imperfectman who would do anything for the people he cares about. The ultimate fantasy book boyfriend.”

He lets out a weak laugh but doesn’t say anything else.

After a few quiet moments, he runs his thumb over my hand.

“How are you doing?”

“Uh… I don’t know. I feel okay. Besides worrying about Sarah—and about you—I keep going through a range of emotions. I’m angry about so many things, but I’m also proud of how I handled myself. Well, mostly. I let myself sink into that darkness again, but Amanda and Mackie showed up and helped pull me out. Now I’m preparing myself for a fight. They obtained his DNA.”

“And?”

“Still waiting, but I know it’s a match. I know…” My voice waivers and he wraps an arm around my back, playing with the tips of my hair.

“Are you mad that I fought him? I don’t know if that could complicate anything with a trial.”

“If it does, we’ll handle it. You defended me. I appreciate you wanting to protect me, even if it was in a retroactive way. I hate that you were arrested, though. Is that going to cause issues for you with jobs and stuff? I don’t know how any of this works.”

“I read way too much online over the last few days, but hopefully, since no charges were pressed, as long as I’m up front about it, it should be okay.”

“I hate that he’s still walking around and you have to worry about this. It’s not fucking fair. He deserves to face justice.”

“There’s not enough justice for what he did to you.”

I rest my head on his shoulder, soaking in the feel of his body next to mine.

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