Page 78 of Blue

Blue left for work, and I fought a craving. Chills crawled over my arms, and sweat trickled down my back. I tried to think of anything but black. What the fuck was wrong with me? I’d clawed my way out of the dark and suffocating misery of withdrawal. I’d puked up my guts and suffered aches in every bone in my body.

Tears filled my eyes. I couldn’t do this again. Getting ready for a meeting with other addicts shouldn’t make me want to use. Saliva pooled in the back of my throat, and the unsteady beat of my heart had enough anxiety lacing my blood, I’d hit a new kind of high. It sucked.

Self-talk wasn’t enough. I’d already showered and dressed, but I stripped out of my clothes, started the bath, and laid in the bottom of the tub as the water filled.I’d surf the urge. Once the hot water covered my body, I snapped off the faucet.

Cravings were temporary. Fifteen minutes to let my mind wander. Fifteen minutes of hell. I remembered the needle slipping into my vein, the rush of warmth, the euphoria that melted through my limbs.

And then the pain tearing me apart, the panic poisoning my mind, and the fear of not getting my next hit. And how fucking pathetic I’d feel at having no control.

Every time I made it through one of these cravings, I earned back trust in myself. Fuck black. Remnants of an addict’s thoughts still slipped into my mind, but I wasn’t going to break. I used my toe to press the lever to drain the tub.

Five minutes later, I’d dried off, redressed, and shoved my ID and phone into my back pocket.

Sully was outside in the driveway loading all the extra bike parts onto the hearse.

“Need help?” I asked.

“We’re about done.” Sully handed a tailpipe to the biker standing on the bed of the hearse. “This is Pike.” His face reddened as he lifted a box. Pike jumped from the truck, grabbed one end of the box, and helped slide it onto the bed.

“Hi.” I waved.

“This is Shae. Blue’s girl.”

I smirked at Sully. “Everyone except Sully calls me Kiss.”

Pike hopped onto the end of the truck, his legs dangling, and lit a cigarette. “It’s good to meet you. We’ve all wondered what was keeping him busy.” He laughed, showing several wide gaps of missing teeth.His left eye twitched, and he had a scar from his eyebrow to his temple.

“Are you heading out?” Sully asked.

“Yes.”

“You got this, peanut.”

I climbed into the car, after a few strained rumbles, the engine turned over. I waved as I backed out of the driveway and then drove across town.

***

At the community center, I parked the car and waited. The meeting started at ten. I still had a few minutes. Two guys, about my age, smoked cigarettes a few yards from the entrance. I hadn’t given much thought to who might be here.

An older guy waved to the smokers, then went into the building. My heart thumped as I climbed from the car and made my way to the door.

The guy on the left smiled and gave me a chin lift as a hello. I was pretty sure I’d never seen either before, but if they partied, who knew? Most of the time I was out of my mind. I trusted guys like Sam to keep me safe.Stupid girl.

I opened the door. People mingled in the reception area. Ansel stood near the table where I’d first met him. When he saw me, he excused himself from the group around him and strode toward me.

“Shae, I’m so glad you decided to join us.” He directed me toward a table with white nametags. He handed me a black marker. “First names only.”

I bent over the table and poised the marker over the sticker. I wasn’t comfortable being called Shae. Only my mother called me Shae. My dad and his friends called me peanut. And my friends called me Kiss. I glanced at the people in the room, and I smiled at Ansel.

Then I bent down and wrote Kiss across the nametag, peeled the backing, and pressed it to my shirt. He glanced from my nametag to my face.

“My friends call me Kiss.”

“Sounds like a story. Let me introduce you to a couple people.” His hand rested on the small of my back. Nerves sizzled where his fingertips touched me, and an uncomfortable apprehension coiled in my gut. While it seemed like a gentlemanly thing to do, I took a couple steps to the left until his hand fell away.

I might not wear a property cut, but I belonged to Blue, and I didn’t know Ansel. Worse, Blue didn’t know him.

“We have about ten minutes before we get started. A lot of addicts are uncomfortable for the first few meetings. I can’t promise you a better life away from drugs. But if you come to meetings, trust in the program, lean on the support of your sponsor, NA can promise you a life free from active addiction.”

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