Page 71 of Blue

Reaching up, I curled my palms around the rungs in the headboard.

A mischievous smirk curved his lopsided smile.

Blue

In the dim light of the fading sun coming through the curtains, a flush tinted her cheeks, perfectly matching the pink blush of her pouty nipples.

“Don’t let go,” I said.

Guilt should’ve been slipping into my conscience, but I couldn’t worry about unintended collateral emotions. I’d lie by omission because I couldn’t hurt her more. I couldn’t bring her to the MC, but not because I didn’t want her with me, but because I’d lose my patch.

I was part of the motorcycle club, but I’d never be part of the brotherhood. She’d never be a Heller again. But one day I hoped Kiss repaired her relationships with Levi and the crew.

But it wouldn’t be with the club. Blade was president, and his word was law. Not only would she not be in my bed, but she couldn’t come to the clubhouse to dance, play cards, or just hang out.

Kiss was barred from the Heller Raiders.

Distracting her from conversation, I sucked her nipple into my mouth. Her skin was soft and sweet against my tongue. She inhaled a breath, gripped the rungs, and arched into my mouth.

I framed her ribcage with my palms, anchored her onto the bed, and split her thighs with my knees.

No doubt she could see my cock. I fought the humiliation burning in my chest. Who the fuck can’t keep an erection when a beautiful woman had her legs spread? Glistening fluids drenched her pretty cunt. The back of my jaw tightened, and my mouth salivated because the scent of her arousal soaked the air.

But my thoughts were fucking toxic.Breathe.This was Kiss, the girl I’d dreamed about for months. Fuck me. Why couldn’t the rational part of my brain override the fucked up emotional damage? I fought the tears building in the back of my eyes. Sweat beaded on my back sending a shiver down my spine.

“Blue. Look at me.” Kiss gripped the rungs of the headboard. “Green light. Kiss me.”

I leaned over her, covered her mouth with mine and kissed her filthy. I poured my fears into the slide of my mouth against hers, the stroke of my tongue, and the inhale of her exhale. In my kiss, I begged her not to give up on me, and promised I’d never give up on her.

One of her legs curved over mine. “Is this okay?”

“Green light.”

Lifting her other leg, her thighs braced my hips, and her heels dug into the back of my thighs. Wetness from her pussy slicked my cock. “Can I grind on you?”

“Green light,” I said a bit breathless, mentally begging my body to relax.

I wasn’t afraid to fuck. I wasn’t afraid of Kiss. I had an irrational anxiety with sex. Why couldn’t I be cursed with a phobia that wouldn’t keep me from this…from her? I’d done the research. I’d Googled it. I didn’t need a psychiatrist to confirm my diagnosis. Not that I’d trust a fucking doctor again, but I was a fucking case study in genophobia and haphephobia. Only it wasn’t a fear, but a fucking trigger. I wanted to fuck and be touched.

Maybe that’s why I understood Kiss. Drugs might be the only way to scrub Carl Douglas out of my head.

And just like that, I slipped into the black depths of my memories. Kiss’s small, gentle hands couldn’t chase away the sizzle of betrayal lacing every touch. I couldn’t focus as waves of dizziness spun in my mind.

My body hardened, muscles seized, and I fought a brutal violence in my head. Suffocating under the waves of memories, I gripped Kiss hard, stared into her eyes, pleading for her to be my lifeline, knowing she couldn’t stop the flood of torturous hits and emotional bruises.

“Red light, baby,” she whispered as tears slipped onto her cheeks. “Red light.”

I nodded, collapsing on top of her. My weight crushed against her. She kept her legs locked around me, and recognizing the game was over, she banded her arms around my shoulders.

Soft murmurs slipped from her lips, her nails grazed along my scalp, and she held me. Fuck, she had to wonder what kind of fucked up man she’d attached herself to. With my heart lodged in my throat, my pulse racing, and my useless dick between us, I’d proven I was more fucked in the head than she ever would be.

“Fuck.” I rolled to my back and draped my arm over my face.

“Blue—”

I reached for her hand. “Don’t.” I flared my nostrils as I inhaled. “Don’t ask me to talk, not about this.”

“I won’t.” She scooted closer. “Is this okay?” We shared the same pillow, our breaths mingling, but she didn’t touch me.

---