Page 109 of Tamed By You

“When it was over, he left. Like what he did was okay. I knew I couldn’t tell my mom. She wouldn’t believe it, nor would she even care, so I told no one. I got dressed, cleaned myself up, and went back to the party as if nothing had happened.”

I take a moment, needing to just breathe for a second. “A couple of months later I started getting sick. One of my teachers at school was concerned because I was in a lot of pain, so she sent me to the school nurse. She made me do a pregnancy test and it was positive.”

I close my eyes, bracing myself for this to be the moment he recoils and can’t look at me. I hesitantly open my eyes, looking down at where our hands meet. He’s still holding onto me.

Knowing I’ve come this far, I have to continue. “I didn’t understand it because I got what I thought was my period. The school asked if I knew who the father was and I broke, shattered into tiny pieces in a small white room with the school nurse. The school called my mom, and they called CPS because of my age, and my agent was arrested.”

Still clutching Harry’s hand like it’s my life raft, I take a deep breath before continuing.

“My mom never asked me if I was okay or what I wanted. She sent me for an abortion. I wasn’t ready to be a mom, but it hurt that no one asked me what I wanted. I didn’t have time to really think about what being pregnant meant. I was so young, and it all ended so quickly. It was just another thing that was being taken from me without my consent.”

“Ali, I’m so—” I put up a hand to stop him. Knowing his words will break me and I won’t be able to continue.

“Please, if I don’t finish now, I never will.” He nods his head in understanding, and I continue, “I got assigned a case worker called Carl, she took me to the clinic, not my Mom. They did a scan and discovered I was just over nine weeks and the pregnancy was ectopic so the decisions were taken out of all our hands and I needed to have an operation. I had doctors telling me they would try to save my tube, but I don’t remember taking much of it in. I just wanted to disappear.”

Lungs burning at the memory of the sterile hospital smell, I shake my head, trying to rid my mind of the memories. Clearing my throat, I continue, “There was a really nice nurse called Sarah. She must have read my case file because on my last day, she brought a bunch of irises. She told me that I was allowed to mourn my loss. That I could feel any way I wanted to. Shereassured me my feelings were valid and there wasn’t a right way to feel. No one had ever said that to me. I wasn’t allowed to feel or have an opinion.

She said I could say goodbye if I wanted to. A perfect stranger showed me more kindness and compassion than my own mother ever had. The nurse took me outside. There was a really pretty garden with every flower you could think of. Surrounded by high walls, and there was a big fountain in the middle where you could make a wish. At the bottom was a tall tree, kind of like the one in Alice in Wonderland weirdly enough.” My lip trembles at the memory of laying down those flowers and saying goodbye to something I had no say or choice in. I remember feeling as if I was saying goodbye to so many things: my baby, my innocence, myself.

I let out a sob and Harry leans in. Pulling me to his chest and holding me tight, I let him. He holds me, gently rocking me till my breathing evens out. I pull back and he wipes away my tears so gently, his touch healing small parts of me, reassuring me that my feelings are important.

“Something told me it would have been a girl, so in my head, I called her Iris, after the flowers the nurse gave me. I got it tattooed here as close to my heart as I could without anyone ever seeing it.”

My hand wanders to the side of my breast where the small tattoo sits, forever hidden beneath the fabric of my bra. “She was my secret, just mine. I wanted something no one could take from me. I needed to make a beautiful memory out of an ugly nightmare.”

My chest begins to burn and without thinking, I begin to scratch at my chest over my jumper. He must sense my emotions because he takes hold of my hands, kissing my palms, one by one as he says, “You are safe. Nothing is going to hurt you again.”

And for the first time in my life, I believe him. I believe his words. And it's like a weight, lifting from my shoulders, knowing I can trust someone to share this load with, that I have someone in my corner.

“After that, I went off the rails, stopped showing up for school, for pageant rehearsals, numbed my pain in unhealthy ways. My mom said I was untamable and she couldn’t cope, so she put me in foster care, and I haven’t seen or heard from her since. I stayed there for a year till I lived with my grandma. As you know, she died when I was eighteen and I have lived on my own since then. I’ve done a lot of healing. I was in a really good place, but sometimes around the anniversary it catches up with me and receiving that letter just took me back to being that scared and helpless young girl.”

A silence falls between us, and I give him a minute to process everything I’ve said, fearing he may pull away, but he doesn’t. He still holds my hands tightly.

“I get that is a lot, and I understand if this changes things between us because—”

“Stop,” he says sternly. “This, everything you just told me, changes nothing. The only thing it changes is how incredibly strong I think you are; I am in awe of you, Ali. Thank you for telling me. I know that couldn’t have been easy.”

I anxiously chew at my bottom lip. “I just need time to sort my head out before I can think about us, and where we go from here. I’m not pushing you away, I just…”

“I get it, I’m not going anywhere, you are in control here, okay? We go at your pace, but I’d like to be here for you, as your friend, before anything else.”

“I’d like that,” I whisper.

“Can I hold you?” he asks hesitantly. Nodding, he opens up his arms and I crawl into his lap. I’ve never felt safer than in hishold. Every minute that passes by in his arms, the pain eases a little.

“Thank you… for saving me.”

He presses a kiss to my forehead. “Always. I’m going to be here till you find yourself again. Through the good days and the bad, I’m not leaving you.”

My eyes drift close, and a calm darkness pulls me in, and I give in to it, feeling safer than I have in weeks. Just before the darkness completely takes me, I hear his faint voice say, “When you are ready to come back to me, I’ll be here with waiting arms, ready to catch you.”

Chapter Fifty-Two

Ali

The warm water beats down on me, the droplets running down my body, washing away the nightmares. It’s been just over two weeks since my accidental overdose, just over two weeks when I had to come clean to everyone I love, that the man who stole my innocence and ripped my world apart was up for parole. Due to good behavior, his sentence could be cut short, and I was invited to give an impact statement to tell a panel of strangers my story about how it would affect me if he were to be released. But how do you even begin to explain that to someone when you don’t even know yourself? It's something I haven’t wanted nor allowed myself to think about. The day a guilty verdict was read I sagged with relief that one of the people who had caused me so much pain was unable to hurt me again.

Wrapping my arms around my slight frame, I hug myself, my fingertips landing in between the dips of my rib cage and I wince at the feel. I’ve lost weight, I know I have, but the past few days I have managed some small meals. I had managed my first night's sleep without waking in a pool of my own sweat and today, I managed an entire shower without sitting in the tray, unable to stand. Small steps lead to bigger ones, and I just need to take it day by day.

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