Page 30 of Revved up & Ready

And then—because it seems like something a girlfriend should do—I smack a kiss on the lower part of his helmet just below the visor before rushing back to the pit.

“You guys are so fucking cute,” Allie says, steadying me as I step back over the low wall. “However, last I heard you were just roommates.”

“We are roommates,” I say. “And also—”Should I say I like him? Should I say we’re dating? I should. He’s telling people we’re dating. It’ll be weird if I don’t.Allie’s green eyes search my face, and I can’t bring myself to lie to my friend. “And also, he’s great.”

Allie’s responding laugh is loud enough that everyone in our pit and the next one over turns to look at her. “Sure, that’s all it is.” She closes one eye in an exaggerated wink. “Just roommates, and he’s great. You can’t lie to me. I see what’s going on.”

I don’t respond because Ican’tlie to her, but fortunately, she changes the subject and explains how to know Cam’s rank during the race and what the screens in the pit show, including the livestream.

A wave of engines roar to life, and my gut drops. “Are they starting already?” I ask.

“Not really,” Allie scoffs, rolling her eyes. “It’s just a warm-up lap. They’re precious about tire temperatures.”

It’s been so long since I sat through a motorcycle race, I’d forgotten all about that part. “I’m guessing they’re not beingpreciousso much as they’re being as safe as possible,” I say.

“Safe, precious, whatever. I just want to see some racing,” she laughs, bouncing on her toes.

Before Allie met Luke, her opinions of motorcycles mostly mirrored mine. She thought they were dangerous and unnecessary, but as soon as she started riding on the back of one, it’s like she forgot about the very real dangers these things represent.

She leads me back to the low wall. “This is the best part!”

The racers return from their warm-up lap and roll back onto their starting marks.

The green flag waves, and a moment later, the asphalt under our feet shakes as bikes rip past. They’re so close together it looks like any number of them could run into each other. My heart pounds, and my breathing speeds.I’ve got to pull it together. The last thing he needs is me losing my shit on the sidelines.

Allie’s jumping and saying something, but I don’t hear her over my pounding pulse.He’s going to be fine. He is fine. He’s safe—But, no,he’s not. None of them are. Why do I even care this much? He’s not my actual boyfriend. But he is my friend. And I don’t want my friend to—This is fine—but it’s not fine. It’s not—

My head spins, and I’m struggling to focus on the now-empty track in front of me.What the fuck am I doing here? I should never have come.

Abandoning my spot by the edge of the pit, it feels like the earth is wobbling as I manage to find my way over to the shade and slump back against a wall behind the stack of tires. Closing my eyes, I focus on my breathing. Well, I have the thought that Ishouldfocus on my breathing.So that’s something.

There’s nothing to be done now.He’s out there, and he could—any number of horrible things could happen to him. Butthey won’t. Right? Right?I reach for a logical way to reassure myself and find none.This shit is dangerous. It’s how people die.

Pulling my legs in tight to my chest, I bury my face in my knees.Motorcycles are so dumb. This is ridiculous. This is why I could never actually date him. This feeling. I shouldn’t have to put up with being terrified.

Breathing, Sadie, breathing.

I manage to breathe in for a count of four. Hold for the same. Breathe out for the same. Hold again.He could justnotdo this. It’s so dangerous. People die. He could—I’ve lost track of my breathing.Dammit. I start again.

Breathe in for a count of four. Hold. And out. Hold.I get into a good rhythm, concentration on counting and breaths taking up all my focus. Eventually, my heart rate slows, and the pounding pulse in my ears subsides.

It occurs to me that I should go back out there, watch the race, be supportive, participate in the experience. But every time I consider it, my heart races again. So, I stare at my feet and go back to box breathing.In for four. Hold. Out for four—

“You’re missing the race,” Allie’s too cheerful voice interrupts my fragile calm.

I give her the dirtiestare-you-fucking-kidding-melook I can muster.

“Oh shit,” she says, eyes wide. “Never mind.” She squeezes in next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and forcing a water bottle into my hand.

I chug half the bottle before asking, “Is it over yet?”

She gives me a sympathetic chuckle. “About halfway.”

“He’s okay, right?” I ask, feeling silly for overreacting.

“He’s crushing it, Sade.” Allie’s green eyes sparkle. “Right now, Cam is the happiest he’s ever been. This is what he lives for. And he’sgood. He’s already gained two positions. He’s amazing, actually.”

Allie would sit next to me like this for the rest of the race—for the rest of the day—if she thought it’s what I needed. But I don’t want her missing any more of this on my account. “Should we have a cookie and watch this thing?” I ask with forced optimism.

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