Page 63 of Something Borrowed

I want to appease him - but I don’t want to leave Rufino.

How can I do both?

Is it even possible?

I walk around the entire garden, moving fast, looking down at my feet - thinking - thinking - thinking. Ideas churning and being tossed away, useless. My father is a monster. Capable of monstrous things. I’ve always known that.

Fear clouds my thoughts.

One singular, constant looping idea.You’ve made a mistake. Your father will kill him. It will be your fault.

Rufino knows me well enough to give me space right now.

If he tried to talk to me in this state, I would just end up fighting with him and I’m so tired of fighting.

I walk around the garden for over an hour.

Thinking about my father, my options, and how I got us all into this mess.

The sun is sinking low on the horizon and the time splashes dark orange streaks across the sky my mind is clear enough to go back into the house.

Or I’m just too tired to think anymore. The adrenalin is depleted and now I’m an empty shell of anxiety.

The evening air is biting cold against my skin and as soon I walk through the patio doors into the living room, Rufino is there, wrapping a jacket over my shoulders.

“I was just about to come out and give this to you.” He says, dragging me right up against his body and holding me in such a way that I can’t push him from me even if I wanted to.

I don’t want to though. Resting my cheek against his chest I lean into him, enjoying the warmth and the comfort of his arms wrapped around me. When he holds me, I can imagine that nothing will ever happen.

I wish he could hold me forever.

“Dinner is ready. Roast chicken and sweet potatoes with mushroom sauce.”

“Thanks.” I whisper.

We sit in the living room in silence because I’m too tired to speak.

My body is so tense I’m struggling to finish my food. Rufino only dished up a small amount for me but it’s still too much.

“I’m going to bed, if that’s ok.” I mumble.

“Of course, it is. Do you want me to run you a hot bath?”

I look up at him, wondering where he gets the patience to deal with me. My father used to remind me I was a burden and an annoyance - that he wanted to send me away because he could handle me.

Rufino is fighting to keep me at his side.

It’s confusing.

My mind keeps taunting me and trying to tell me it’s fake somehow. That maybe he has an ulterior motive. Why would someone put themselves at risk like this for me?

Just me.

What if he gets bored with me and all the drama that seems to follow me everywhere? I’m careless. My father has said it a thousand times.

“Verity?”

“A bath would be lovely, thank you.”

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