Page 101 of What Lies Within

“That’s a big ask of yourself, Kane.”

"I know that now." He offers a flat-lipped smile, eyes softening. "But it tried to pull me under for a good few yearsthere. Every time I saw Maddie struggle without Mom there when she became a woman. Every time I saw Dad try to comfort Harvey but fail to be soft enough after havin' to stay hard for the club. I thought it was my fault we missed out on having a mom." He shakes his head, lifting a knee to rest his arm atop, head back against the bed. "I'd see my friends and their moms at the school events or hosting birthday parties, and I'd get angry. Mad and jealous they had something I didn't." Kane glances my way, assessing my silence.

I daren’t interrupt him. Not when he’s being so damn vulnerable. Answering my questions about why he’s the way he is.

“My point is,” he says with a hint of shame at how much he’s revealed already, “Is that I went through my dark times alone. I didn’t get help because I didn’t want anyone to see how weak I was. I channeled it into another feeling and let that one take over instead.” He rolls his head to pin me with a playful stare. “Bet you can guess what it is.”

“Rage,” I whisper.

“Exactly.” He sighs, rolling his head back to face away again. “Don’t be me, Rae. Get help. Letushelp. Well…” He smiles. Actually, fucking smiles, teeth and all. “Maybe Harvey and Jamie. Uncle Dig. I’m not the best choice. But Rae…” He twists to face me again. “Don’t let this get the better of you. Especially because of me.”

“Then stop being an asshole.”

“Putting people under pressure is what I was taught makes them stronger.” He glances to the floor. “But yeah, it did make it easier to do when you hooked into Dad.”

“I didn’t ‘hook into’ him,” I murmur. “I tried to resist this thing. Do you know that? It was your father and uncle who convinced me it’d be okay.”

He stays quiet, a tic in his jaw.

“Why are you trying to be nice now if you detest me so damn much?”

"Trying." He laughs at the word. "You got that right. Shit. I don't know. I guess I just see how fucking happy you make my old man. It's been a real long time since I've seen him like that. It's good, Rae, even if you and I have some work to do."

“Understatement,” I mutter.

"Plus, Maddie ain't in a good place either. I think you two need each other now more than ever." He runs his gaze the length of me and then looks away again. "If makin' things work with you is how I get to keep her, then so fuckin' be it."

I duck my head, shame hot in the pit of my stomach. He's right: Maddie and I need each other. Where have I been? Consumed by my own needs.

Kane thrusts a thick finger into my arm, drawing my attention to him. “Hearing you say you want to take yourself away from them? And in the worst fucking way? It doesn’t sit right.”

“It shouldn’t.”

“So, use the club for what it’s here for, Rae—lean on us when it gets too hard to stand alone. There’s a reason why people are stronger when they stand together. There’s a reason why people join for a little chaos or the reputation but stay for life.” He sighs out his nose, studying me curled against the furniture. “Just don’t break my fucking family’s heart because you couldn’t set your pride aside and take the help on offer.”

I duck my head and swallow back the tears, fucking sure if I try to speak, all that'll come out is a sad little hiccupped sob.Fuck. Of all the people… “Thank you.” My voice cracks.

“Sure.” He rises to his feet, stiffening when firm footsteps reach the doorway. “Dad.”

“What the fuck have you done now?” Tyke strides into the room, past Kane, to squat down and check on me.

“It’s fine,” I assure him, touching his cheek despite how brazen the movement feels in front of his son. “Kane was helping me.”

"Helping?" Tyke chuckles. "That word doesn't fit the same sentence as my son's name."

“Well, it did today.” I look over his shoulder to find his oldest gone.

As though Kane were a fever dream.

“I need you to come outside,” Tyke states, rising to his feet. “If you’re up for it.”

Am I? I glance about the room, at the visage that moments ago made me feel as though the world were foreign and not my own. "Of course." Accepting his hand, I let him help me to my feet and thread my fingers between his to move for the door.

Sure enough, given time, the feelings passed. The pain subsided.

And all I’m left with is a hollow ache where my happiness should be.

39

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