Page 64 of Searching for Valor

“What are you doing here?” His question came out gruffer than he intended.

Her eyes snapped to his, a flicker of hurt in their amber depths before she masked it. “I can go if you want me to.”

“No,” he said quickly, surprising them both with his vehemence. He gentled his tone. “No, I don’t want you to go. I just… wasn’t expecting to see you.”

“I wasn’t sure you wanted to see me.”

Until that moment, he hadn’t been sure he wanted to see her, but now, with her standing in front of him, he couldn’t remember why. His gaze hungrily traced the delicate lines of her face, the curve of her cheekbones, the fullness of her lips. God, she was beautiful. And strong. So much stronger than anyone gave her credit for.

Including himself.

“I always want to see you, Iz.” The words came out low and rough with emotion. “Even when I shouldn’t.” He watched the rapid rise and fall of her chest, the pulse fluttering in her throat. He wanted to press his lips there, to feel her heartbeat against his mouth. “And that’s the problem.” He turned away before he got any crazy ideas.

“Why?” she whispered the question, but with the way it impacted him, she may as well have shouted it. “Why is that a problem, Rylan?”

He closed his eyes. “You know why.”

“No, I don’t.” She moved to stand in front of him, forcing him to look at her. “Explain it to me.”

He opened his eyes and met her stubborn gaze. “Because I can’t trust you! Because every time I let myself forget that, even for a second, all I can see is you walking away from me, leaving me bleeding on the ground while mercenaries carted away my sister.”

She flinched. “That’s not fair. I didn’t have a choice?—“

“There’s always a choice. You chose them over me. Over us.”

“There was no us!” Izzy cried, shoving at his chest. He barely budged. “You made damn sure of that long before I everbetrayed you. You kept me at arm’s length even though we both wanted more.”

Rylan reeled back as if she’d landed a physical blow. Because she was right, he had kept her at arm’s length. He’d been too afraid she’d see his cracks, see he was already crumbling. Too scared she’d see him for the weak, cowardly man he actually was and hate him for it.

“And even if there had been an us, I wouldn’t have chosen differently. I saved my family in the only way I knew how to at the time.” Her eyes flashed with hurt and anger as she stepped toward him, closing the distance he’d put between them. “Yes, it was wrong. I should’ve told you or Pierce or Ash—anyone—what was going on, but I panicked. I panicked and made a mistake. And I’ve been paying for it ever since.”

“A mistake that nearly got my sister killed!” The words exploded out of him, his control snapping. “A mistake that put everyone I care about in danger!”

“And you’ve never made a mistake like that? You’ve never made a choice that hurt everyone around you?”

If she had punched him, it would’ve hurt less. “Don’t.”

“What about the other night? If you had succeeded in killing yourself, don’t you think that would’ve hurt everyone you care about?” She thumped a hand against her chest over her heart. “Hurt everyone that cares about you?”

Jesus, she was going for blood this morning, hitting him with one verbal blow after another, leaving him winded and reeling.

But she was right.

God, she was so right.

He’d made the same kind of mistake she had— but while she’d acted impulsively out of fear, he’d hesitated. And his was arguably worse because it had killed half his team. At least her mistake hadn’t killed anyone. It could have, but it didn’t.

Valor whined softly and nudged Rylan’s hand. He looked down at the dog. It was enough of a distraction that he was able to pull himself back from the darkness threatening to swallow him

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, not quite able to meet Izzy’s eyes. “You’re right. I’ve made mistakes, too. Mistakes that cost lives. I just...” He blew out a breath, struggling to find the words. “I don’t know how to let it go. The anger. The guilt. It’s eating me alive.”

“Then let me help you.” Izzy’s voice was soft, pleading. She reached out to touch his arm, her fingers warm against his skin. “Talk to me, Ry. Help me understand what happened the other night. What triggered you? Because when you gave me a ride to my car, you seemed… okay. At least as okay as you ever are lately.”

He turned away, bracing his hands on the porch railing, his head bowed. Shame and self-loathing churned in his gut, bile burning his throat as he tried to remember what drove him to chase a handful of sleeping pills with booze. But it was all just… a black hole. “I don’t remember.”

Her hand settled between his shoulder blades. “What do you remember?”

“It’s all just… fragments. Flashes. I remember getting home after dropping you off. I remember calling Sawyer…” Something there, he thought. Something important, right at the edge of his mind, but he couldn’t reach it. Frustration simmered beneath his skin, and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to grasp the elusive wisps of memory. “I remember pouring a drink. Then I remember I was angry. So fucking angry.”

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