Page 59 of Searching for Valor

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Jax’s voice was like a mantra, raw and desperate through the comms. “Hang on, guys. QRF is inbound. Hang on. Help is coming. Fuck!”

Rylan tried to move, to stand up, but pain flared through his body, so intense it stole his breath. He looked down at himself and nearly retched. His arm—his right arm from the elbow down—was gone, replaced by a mangled, bloody stump. Bile rose in his throat as he stared at the jagged edges of bone protruding through the shredded flesh.

He screamed, the sound painful as it tore from his throat. The chaos around him faded, the shouts and gunfire growing distant, muffled like he was underwater. His vision tunneled until all he could see was the empty space where his arm used to be.

“Ry… lan…”

Rylan turned his head at the ragged whisper and saw Shane sprawled on his back a few feet away. Smoke curled from the edges of his gear, filling the air with the acrid stench of burning flesh. His weapon was still clutched in his hands.

No, not clutched.

Melted, fused to his fingers.

But his chest was still moving. He was still breathing. Still alive.

Rylan’s stomach lurched as he dragged himself toward Shane. “Chief. Shane, c’mon. We gotta move. We gotta?—“

Shane’s eyes fluttered open, unfocused and glassy with pain. “Ry… lan.” Blood bubbled at the corner of his mouth as his skin melted. “You did this.”

“No…” Rylan whispered, his voice breaking.

A bloodied hand grabbed his boot, and Fuse—what was left of him—dragged his shattered body forward like something out of a zombie movie. “You did this.”

“No, no, no.”

Mack sat up and looked at him with blankeyes, blood streaming down his face from the hole in the side of his skull. “We needed you, Kentucky. You let us down. You killed us.”

“I’m sorry. Jesus, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

They closed in around him, and he tried to scramble away, but the ground beneath him shifted, turning into quicksand that pulled him under, suffocating him, dragging him down into darkness…

Rylan jackknifed upright, a strangled scream tearing from his throat as he fought to escape the grasping hands of his dead teammates. His heart thundered against his ribs and cold sweat drenched his body, plastering his hair to his forehead. For a moment, he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, trapped in the space between nightmare and reality.

It wasn’t real. It was just a dream. The same damn dream that had haunted him every night for the past nine years.

Just a dream.

It was just a dream.

Except it wasn’t. Not really. The details might change, but the ending was always the same.

Alejandro blown to pieces.

Mack and Fuse, dead.

Shane, burned beyond recognition.

And him, frozen, useless, watching it all happen.

Dream Shane’s words echoed in his mind, an endless loop of guilt and regret.“You did this. You did this. You did this.“

In reality, Shane hadn’t said that. He’d only been conscious for a few moments, and though he’d tried to talk, the only sound that had emerged from his charred lips was a raspy, unintelligible whisper. But in the nightmare, Shane’s accusation rang out loud and clear, a condemnation he couldn’t escape.

Rylan scrubbed a hand over his face, his fingers shaking as he pushed his hair back from his forehead. He forced himself to take a deep breath, then another, trying to slow his racing heart. It was a technique he taught his clients, a way to ground themselves in the present when the past threatened to overwhelm them. But tonight, the old trick wasn’t working fast enough. The ghosts of his past were too close, their icy fingers still wrapped around his throat.

In a few short months, it would be the tenth anniversary of the mission from hell. Ten fucking years and the memories were still as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. The acrid smell of smoke and burning flesh. The coppery tang of blood in his mouth. The searing pain as the blast ripped his arm from his body.

And the guilt. The soul-crushing, gut-wrenching guilt that he hadn’t been able to save them. That he had hesitated, just for a second, and it had cost them their lives.

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