Page 103 of Searching for Valor

“I’m always quiet.”

“Not like this.” She nudged his arm lightly. “You’ve got that look. The one that says you’re carrying the weight of the world again.”

He huffed a soft laugh, shaking his head. “Not the world. Just my usual baggage.”

“Oh, so only half the world?” She tilted her head, her amber eyes searching his face. “What are you overthinking about?”

Rylan didn’t answer immediately. Instead, he looked out at the darkened yard, where shadows of trees swayed in the breeze. When he finally found the words he needed to say, his voice came out hoarse. “Us. I’ve been thinking about us.”

Her expression softened. “And?”

He turned to face her fully. “Izzy, I love you.”

He watched the play of emotions across her face. Awe, happiness, excitement… all followed by weariness. “Please don’t tell me there’s a ‘but’ to that sentence.”

“I love you,” he repeated and cupped her cheek in his hand, ready to catch any tears that might fall. “But I’m not okay. Not yet.”

She leaned into his touch like she always did, but her eyes searched his. “What are you saying?”

He brushed his thumb over her cheekbone. “I didn’t try to kill myself.”

“Yeah, I know that.”

“But, as much as I want to deny it, Iwasheaded for that edge. If things hadn’t gone down the way they did, I might have reached it.”

She caught his hand in both of hers. “You don’t know that.”

“I do. I need help, Iz. Real help. For a long time, I thought I could handle it on my own. That I had to handle it on my own because so many people rely on me. But I can’t.” His voice cracked, and he swallowed hard. “No, I didn’t try to kill myself. But, afterward, when I thought I had already attempted it, it was all I could think about. It was all I wanted. And that scares me.”

Tears welled in her eyes. “Rylan...”

“I need to get my head on straight. I need to deal with my PTSD and everything else before I can be the man you deserve.” He lifted their joined hands to his lips. “That’s why I’ve decided to go into rehab. In-patient, six weeks. They specialize in PTSD and addiction.”

Izzy blinked, caught off guard. She let go of his hand and backed up a step. “Wait. You’ve already decided?”

He nodded. “I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure I was ready to take this step. With Valor healing from his surgery,now feels like the right time. He’s in good hands with the team, and… I need to take care of myself. For him. For me. For you.”

She stared at him with impossibly wide and glassy eyes. “Rylan, I… I don’t know what to say.” Her voice trembled. “I want to support you, I do, but six weeks…” She shook her head, and finally, the tears fell, rolling down her cheeks in two fat droplets. “It feels like I just got you back.”

Jesus. He hated causing her pain, hated the lost look in her eyes. But this was something he needed to do for both of them. “I don’t expect you to wait. I know I’ve been a mess, and you deserve someone who?—”

“Stop,” she cut him off and stepped closer, her hands coming up to frame his face. “Stop right there, Rylan Cross. Don’t you dare try to push me away again.”

He blinked, startled by her vehemence, but she wasn’t done.

“You think I’m just going to walk away from this, from us, and… move on with someone else? Not a chance. I’ve waited this long, Ry. What’s six more weeks?”

His breath caught, his throat tightening as he stared at her, not quite daring to hope. “A lot can change in six weeks.”

“Not how I feel about you.” She smiled then, soft and full of unwavering resolve, as she rose onto her toes to kiss him. “Go. I’ll wait for you, Rylan. However long it takes.”

chapter

thirty-six

Rylan parkedhis truck in the driveway and turned off the ignition but didn’t get out of the cab immediately. He listened to the engine ticking softly as it cooled and stared at his house. It sat quiet and dark, the porch light he’d left on before leaving for dinner casting long shadows across the front yard. But for once, though, the silence didn’t feel suffocating—it just felt… still.

But the thought of stepping into that quiet, empty house made his chest tighten.

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