Page 57 of Gin & Sin

“Christian’s words live there. He was brutal. He shredded every ounce of confidence I had, and he enjoyed it. He emotionally eviscerated me.” I have to blow out a shaky breath to choke back my emotions. “He made it very clear that I was nothing and no one to him, and a guy like me could never aspire to keep a man like him. All I was to him was good dick. He reminded me that he never ate with me or stayed over or took me anywhere. He never introduced me to people he knew, and he never asked about my life. I wasn’t wealthy enough. Or successful enough. Or polished enough. I wasn’t someone he would date. I was just a dick. I worshipped him, and he liked that.”

“Fucking hell, Kit. That’s terrible.”

“Christian enjoyed tearing me down. For weeks after that night, he sent me pics of him on actual dates with men he deemed better than me. He sent me pics of him in his pretty lingerie, pics of his gorgeous body, videos of him pleasuring himself, all to taunt me because I didn’t have access to him anymore.”

“Jesus. That’s evil.”

“It is, yeah. I guess what sucked most is that I believed him. He reinforced the messages I’d been getting my whole life. I went to Willow Bay because my parents felt like it might help me at least get a foot in the door, because what else did I have? I was always the fun guy, the good-looking guy, the great in bed guy, but I was never the smart guy, the successful one, the keeper.”

Stewart squeezes my hand, his expression bordering on distraught.

“So I leaned into that image. After Christian is when it all began. Work got harder and I fucked my way through the night scene, desperate to feel like I had something to offer. At least I could make someone come, right?”

“Oh, Kit…”

“I’m not a take-him-home-to-meet-the-parents kind of guy. I’m not worthy of anything like that. I’m a guy you can fuck for a few months until you’re ready for something real and substantial. Or until you’re bored or see another guy with a good face and a nice dick.”

With his brow creased, Stewart scoots closer. “Is that all you want to be?”

“I don’t fucking know anymore. When Indy called and suggested we move back here and open a bar, it felt like a lifeline. Like a way out of the shit stew my life had become.”

“Does it still feel like that?”

“Yes. I’m more myself here. The guys ground me, and I have a chance to erase the failures of the past.”

“But?”

I focus on his eyes, so full of warmth and openness. Something about him makes the words flow easily.

“I started up again, you know? Hooking up constantly. But I hit a wall pretty quickly. The whole college twink fest isn’t doing it for me like it used to. Indy falling in love shifted my reality.”

“How so?”

“He’s the ultimate fuckboi. I mean, he was. His reputation was infamous, and he never even kind of wanted to settle down. He loved his life how it was. And then Salem walked in the door and that was it. He gave it all up because he finally met his person.”

“And how did that change things for you?”

I lean back against the couch, rubbing my feet against his under the blanket. “Honestly?”

Stewart nods. “Please.”

These are words I’ve hardly admitted to myself, but fuck, I want to say them to Stewart.

“It gave me hope. Hope that maybe there’s a person out there for me who could make me want to give all this up.”

“You don’t sound like you want to hang on to life as it’s been.”

I huff a laugh. “You’re right. I’m not being fully vulnerable.”

“If you want to now, with me, I won’t judge you.”

“I know.” I drag my hand through my hair.

Gazing into Stewart’s eyes is so calming, like getting a huge bear hug from your favorite person or a cozy blanket on a cold day. Welp, here goes.

“I guess what I really hope is that there’s someone who could erase what Christian and so many others like him have said. Someone who believes I have more to offer than…” I shrug.

“A nice face and good dick?”

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