Page 58 of Gin & Sin

“Yeah.” I laugh in a failed attempt to brush off the embarrassment and shame spreading through me. “Fuck.”

“You didn’t feel like you could tell your best friends all of this?”

“I know they’d accept me. It’s not that. They would worry and focus on me, and maybe there’s a part of me that doesn’t want them to know how weak I’ve been. I don’t want to change their perception of me.”

“Aww, Kit. You want them to believe you’re eternally twenty-two? That you’ve never grown emotionally or matured? They have, haven’t they?”

“In some ways, yeah, but in others, we all feel the same as we did. That’s why we still click after all these years.”

“That’s not why,” he says, smiling softly. “You click because of the shared values and the foundation you have. Real friends evolve with each other, and I’m sure there are ways in whichyou’ve all changed, but it doesn’t matter. You love each other, and with love comes acceptance, warts and all.”

A surge of hope blooms in my chest. “You think?”

“I’d even bet they’re more aware than you give them credit for.”

“Maybe.” I lift his hand and brush it against my lips. “The night you walked in shifted things again. I told you before that I was burned out, even a little bored, and your energy was so appealing. I couldn’t have stayed away if I’d tried.”

He smiles as his cheeks turn pink. “Meeting you definitely shifted things for me too. I don’t know you that well, but I know you’re much more than your exterior. You’ve managed to maintain five friendships for nearly twenty years. You pulled yourself out of a dark place and you’re rebuilding now. That’s brave. You stepped out of your comfort zone to take a chance on me, an older guy who’s never been a twink.”

“I’m not an idiot. You’re gorgeous and sweet and so damn tasty.”

He chuckles. “Tasty?”

“Mm-hmm. Every time I see you, I want to lick you.”

A teasing smile plays on his lips. “Can’t you see what’s going on here, Kit? You’ve been walking around thinking all you had to offer was your looks and your body, and I’ve been thinking the exact opposite. All I had was my brain and my stability. I thought I’d have such a hard time finding a guy who wanted to give me a chance, but it’s you. You think I’m amazing and sexy and you want to have sex with me.”

“All the time. Even now.” I rub his hand against my growing bulge. “Constantly.”

Stewart shifts so he can move across the couch and settle on my lap, straddling my hips. I run my hands down his bare back to rest them on the curve of his ass.

“I want that too, but…” He pauses, and I’d swear I see insecurity flash in his eyes.

“What?”

“I don’t want to ruin whatever this is by saying too much too soon, but I like spending time with you. Upright, non-sexual time. You’re interesting. You’re… kind. You’ve been hiding behind this detached sex god persona, but there’s more beneath the surface, and I’m intrigued by it.”

His comment stirs something in me, a twinge of emotions and desires I don’t let myself feel. At least not yet.

“I don’t want to ruin this either. I like being around you.” I cup his chin, brushing my thumb over his thick stubble. “Thank you for giving me the space to talk about that stuff. In a weird way, it feels good that someone knows. Someone besides me.”

“I’m honored. Is there anything I can do to support you?”

“Nah, I’m good now. I manage my alcohol fine and smoke occasionally, but I’m in a good place. I’m aware of my addictive tendencies and I’ve developed methods to pull myself back.”

“Like?”

“Meditation. Mindfulness. Turning inward to see what hole I’m trying to fill. It works, but if you ever see me trying to gamble, feel free to punch me.”

Stewart smiles. “I’m sure we can find nonviolent ways to redirect.” His smile fades as he grips my arm. “Your friends should know though. In case things change in the future. They should know how to help.”

I nod, knowing he’s right but terrified by the idea of telling the guys. “Yeah, maybe.” I kiss his palm. “Well, that was pretty heavy shit.”

He nods.

“Have I earned another exploration of your body?”

Stewart visibly shivers and clears his throat. “It’s an open invitation.”

---