Page 113 of Gunner

I brought the journal to the kitchen and opened a can of soda, then sat around the island and opened the book. Mason’s name was written neatly inside with black ink. The man refused to write anything in any other color ink. Once I’d swapped out all his black for blues, and he’d almost had a fit. He hadn’t found it funny at all. We’d fought over pens. Pens, for god’s sake.

And I thought the arguments I had with Gunner were petty.

I skipped to the last entry, written just a couple of days before he died.

I’ve fucked up, and I don’t even know how to make it right. I did everything to make Ben break up with me, but seeing him kills me inside. How is it possible to love both men this much?

My heart stopped, and my chest constricted. My stomach tightened, knots forming in my stomach as everything became clear.

Mason had been in love with someone else.

It all made sense now.

He would love on me one minute and the next give me the cold shoulder. Given the kind of man he was, he must have felt guilty—toward which one of us? The other man or me?

I should have stopped reading. I didn’t need to know all the gritty details that followed, but having started, I couldn’t stop now. Heart pounding, I focused on the words on the page, reading more slowly to ensure I didn’t miss anything.

To make one of them happy is to hurt the other. For too long, I’ve tried to have them both, but it’s not right. Ben deserves better. Gunner and I have been on and off for years, and he never complains, but he deserves better too.

The book thudded on the countertop. Mason and Gunner. Mason and Gunner. The two names echoed in my head as bile rose in my throat.

Oh shit.

Oh god, no. I grabbed the soda and gulped it down to stop myself from throwing up. Wrong move. The liquid sloshed around in my gut.

Maybe it wasn’t my Gunner. With a false sense of hope, I picked back up the book and continued reading.

I see the hurt in Gunner’s eyes whenever I leave him. At times, I think he’s finally going to say something—to end us—but he doesn’t. And I know he never will. The bond we share goes too far back, extends too deep. He was and will always be my first love. For that reason, I have to choose him. Not Ben, even though Ben’s everything that’s good in my life. He’s the complete opposite of Gunner, and I like that.

I’m greedy, I know. I want the good boy, but I also crave the bad one. In a perfect world, I would get to have them both. Gunner is the only person who has ever made me feel secure enough to give myself completely to him. Maybe with a little persuasion, Gunner wouldn’t mind sharing Ben, but Ben would never go for it. He despises Gunner too much, and the history between them would never allow it. So I had no choice. I had to push Ben to the edge for him to end our relationship.

But I haven’t seen Gunner since I let Ben go. Maybe it’s the fear of knowing once I choose him for good, everything I’ve worked so hard for will be gone. I still don’t know if I can do that.

Choosing Ben would have been easier.

But he didn’t. He didn’t choose me. After juggling Gunner and me around, Mason had chosen Gunner.

I inhaled deeply and let out the breath, but the ache in my heart persisted. With a groan, I lowered my head onto thegranite counter. My mind was racing but incapable of settling on one thought.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

I sprang up, almost falling off the chair. Gunner reached a hand out to steady me, but I shoved it away and, clinging to the counter, got to my feet.

“Where did you come from?”

Gunner frowned. “You left the front door unlocked. Why do you look so pale? What happened?” His gaze landed on the book on the counter. “What the hell have you been reading?”

I snatched the book up. Letting him read it would make things weird between us. He would know we had been sleeping around with the same man. At the same time.

Unless…

A friend used to live here.

“Dear god, you already knew.” The sick feeling was coming back, followed by a wave of dizziness. “You fucking knew! That’s what this is all about.”

I laughed, the sound loud and bitter, but once I started I couldn’t stop. I laughed until tears were streaming down my face. How could I have been so stupid? And to think I’d started believing Gunner was a better catch than Mason. They were both the same. Using people to make themselves feel better.

“What do I know?” Gunner asked, looking bewildered.

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