Page 88 of I'll Carry You

The exact opposite of what you’re feeling right now with losing Jen.

Amanda sighed, twirling her straw. “I should have told you about Chad before you found out the way you did. I hated myself for a lot of that, you know, especially since you were always a lot nicer to me than he was, and I don’t know. I guess in the end, it’s better that I didn’t get pregnant with his kid.”

“Chad’s an asshole,” Jason agreed. It had taken him a long time to see it, but he’d never look back at their years of friendship the same way.

“You were an asshole to me, too, at the end.” Amanda shrugged. “But I probably deserved it. We were making each other miserable. And that’s a good sign that we shouldn’t ever be together again.” She sucked her cheeks in. “Besides which, you apparently have moved on.”

Her claims about Ned having footage brought back his anger with her. “Why in the hell would you have Ned take footage of me with Jen?”

She blinked a few times, her long lashes lifting as she looked at him. “Because I had him do it in general. I was angry after you hired that PI to follow me and Chad. And I wanted revenge. I wanted to contest the divorce. So I had Ned gather evidence, and wow, there was a long string of women for a couple of months, Jason. I’m not going to lie. That astonished me.

Until you got here. And then it all stopped.”

“Then if you know I care about that woman, why would you introduce yourself that way?” Jason’s voice was strained.

“I don’t know. I was jealous. She’s pretty. And obviously talented. I watched the show last week, and the way you looked at her? I don’t know if you even looked at me that way on our wedding day.”

That she’d been jealous was odd. But it gave her a vulnerable side he didn’t normally associate with her. “And you never looked at me the way you looked at Chad. You definitely never considered having a kid with me.”

She grimaced. “Touché.”

Fighting with her no longer held any note of satisfaction, strangely. For the first time in a long time, Amanda somehow seemed more . . . human. Maybe it was the fact that she was pregnant. Or maybe that they were having a conversation that felt civil.

How long had it been since they sat and talked like this?

Had they ever?

He took another swallow of beer. “And what are you planning on doing with that evidence you gathered?”

“I don’t know.” She met his gaze, her blue eyes thoughtful. “I think it sort of depends on how you choose to proceed with the baby. I’m not exactly a fan of dragging my child’s father’s name through the mud in court. But if you have no intention of stepping up ...”

He should have expected her to have some sort of endgame. Amanda was as risk-averse as he was. It was part of the reason they’d gotten married. They were safe options for each other. Her decision to have an affair had only been proof of how much she’d loved Chad.

Jason was silent for a few moments. The restaurant was noisy, which he was grateful for. The likelihood of them being overheard was too high otherwise. “If it’s actually my child, then I want to be involved.” The relief on her face was palpable. “I’m not going to ignore I have a baby, Amanda. I don’t know exactly what that means for you or the baby, but I’ll be there to support you in whichever way I can.”

She breathed out, then reached across the table, offering her hand. He reached for it and grasped it for a moment, not caring who saw. Even if their marriage had gone up in flames, they didn’t have to continue the cycle. Her eyes were shiny, and she squeezed his fingers, then released them. “I guess we can figure out the details later. Especially now that you’ve made a new life here in Maryland. I want you to have enough time with him.” She bit her lip. “By the way, it's a boy. I tested for gender. I didn’t want to wait to plan things.”

He was going to have a son.

He closed his eyes, breathing out.

Then a scene came to him, an imagining from his brain, of Jen and Kevin sitting here a few years earlier. Or maybe somewhere else in this town. When his brother had found out he was going to be a father.

He didn’t know how the conversation had gone. Had it scared Jen to tell Kevin? Had it excited her?Had he been excited?

Whatever the circumstance, the news must have tormented Kevin as much as it moved him. Kevin’s reaction hadn’t been the right one, but Jason couldn’t entirely fault his brother. And if Jen had been as instrumental to his sobriety as Mildred had suggested, losing her must have been more than Kevin could bear.

The problem was that it had left Jen vulnerable and abandoned.

And she’d fought back, shown a resilience that was so . . .

His jaw clenched.

. . .it’s what you love about her.

Jen and Colby deserved that money. Every cent. He was ready to let it all go now, no matter what it meant for him.

His chest tightened.

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