Page 85 of Shadow Dance

My heart’s beating so fast I could be dying. I walk into the thick tangle of trees, trying to tame my hair so it doesn’t look like I just got fucked in the back of someone’s car. Every thought I’ve ever had slams violently around my head and I wish I could smoke a bowl or take a shot of something. Anything to silence the clamor in my head.

Jaime takes my hand and presses me gently against a tree. This reminds me a little of our first kiss. The realization that this could be our last turns me to liquid and tears brim over, wetting my cheeks. I brush his hands away.

“Do you trust me?” he asks. “Because I trust you, Maeve. I trust you. I wouldn’t have told you if I didn’t.”

I’ve never seen him look like this, like everything’s been stripped away. His big, brown eyes have this raw, vulnerable quality I’ve ever seen in them before. Is this the real him?Cruz?God, he’s beautiful. It’s unfair. All of this is unfair. I close my eyes. “I trust you with my life,” I finally say, pushing the words past my trembling lips. “But that’s about it.”

“This doesn’t change anything. I?—”

“This changeseverything,” I sob, covering my mouth.

“It doesn’t. You know the essence of who I am,” he pleads. “You know me.”

“How can you say that?” I whisper.

“Because it’s true. You know me because I let you in, and it’s a mistake that could kill us both, but I did it because …” He shakes it head, pulling roughly at his hair. “Shit! Because the feelings I have for you are not professional. At all.”

“Did you choose me on purpose?” I ask, wiping my eyes. “Did you get close to me so I’d fall for you? So I’d tell you things?”

“No. I didn’t need you for that.”

“Oh.” I laugh bitterly. “So, what did you need me for? Sex?”

His face falls, the anguish in his eyes undeniable. “I didn’t need you for anything. But I wanted you. I wanted you more than I’ve wanted anything in a long time. I still want you.”

I stare at him, trying desperately to understand.

“I’ve been Jaime Reyes for three years,” he says. “It’s … become who I am. I have to fight every day to retain my true self. Every decision I make, I make it with two minds. Would Jaime do this? What are the consequences to Cruz if I do?”

“You make yourself sound crazy,” I say, sniffling.

Suddenly, he looks so tired. “Sometimes I think I am.”

I think about what he’s saying, how long he’s been under. Three years of pretending to be someone else, even with the other family he worked for.

“Why are you telling me this?” I ask, wrapping my arms around myself.

“Because I can’t lie to you anymore, Maeve,” he says, sounding broken. “You’re so honest with me, so real. I’ve wanted to come clean to you so many times, but I couldn’t compromise my cover. Even this is risky. You can’t say anything to Cal. You can’t let him know you know.”

“Why the hell would I do that?” I murmur, looking away. “I can’t escape this nightmare if he kills you, can I?”

He traces his knuckles down the side of my face. “You called me a saint once. I’m no saint, but I always keep my promises. I will do everything in my power to get you away from him and to keep you safe.”

“This is why you were so sure you could keep me safe. You knewyou had the law on your side,” I say, the pieces falling into place. “Is Callum going to jail?”

“I can’t talk about that.”

“What about me? Am I going to be arrested?”

“No,” he says softly, his eyes still begging me for something I don’t know that I can give.

“How do you know?” I demand. “I’ve been with Callum for years!”

“I just know.”

“I’m telling you right now, no one can protect me like my family,” I say quietly, forcing myself to meet his gaze no matter how much it feels like a rusty knife to the heart. “So don’t leave me with the fucking cops. Just get me home.”

“I will,” he promises, wiping my tears with his thumbs.

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