Page 79 of Saving Destiny

I know how bad it was because I was there with her every minute. The caretaker hated her and the other children were bitter and angry about their lots in life and preyed on anyone weaker than them. Zo wasn’t weak, but she appeared to be and she couldn’t run away because she’d been dependent on the orphanage’s care. Mother Mary hadn’t allowed her to do anything and had held the state’s money for her disability as a sort of ransom.

The only reason Zo hadn’t been forced into something akin to slave labor like the other kids is because she couldn’t do most of the chores. Mother Mary required the others to work hard. She said it built morale and character, but she also hadn’t wanted to pay for a housekeeper.

The state was too busy to look into the living conditions. There were too many orphans and too many mouths to feed to keep track of them all. As long as social services didn’t receive constant complaints, they didn’t check in on the kids who were lost in the system.

When I’d ventured into the city, I’d seen worse. I’d seen children that didn’t have a roof over their heads or food to eat, but it didn’t matter who had it worse. If Zosia had a parent, she could have been cared for and loved.

Zo focuses on the food in front of her while I fume internally. She knows I’m not madather; I’m madforher. I can’t gauge the others’ emotions as easily as I can read her. Avery is usually quiet, but his body has a new stiffness to it. I think he’s also upset on her behalf, but he won’t question Zo when their relationship is so new. He’s a better person than me because his only goals are to ensure she’s happy and comfortable.

Bren appears lost again, and he eats like a robot. I doubt that he tastes anything he puts into his mouth.

Garrett is attentive to Zo’s physical cues, but he’s probably more focused on the politics Ansel mentioned instead of Zosia’s heritage. Good for him. One of us needs to be on top of all that or we’ll be fucked when our enemies make their move. I don’t envy him his role, but he doesn’t appear to resent it. He was prepped for dealing with blackmails, bribes, and underhanded dealings from a young age. Addington wanted him on his side, but the alpha can go fuck himself.

Even though I feel present and my emotions are stronger, my brain still wanders as much as Bren’s. I’d like to believe it’s a side effect of the experiments, but Avery and Garrett don’t suffer from the same affliction. When Zosia speaks, her casual tone jolts me out of my thoughts.

“Kodi, do you remember how some kids obsessed about finding their birth parents?” When Zosia sees that she’s capture my attention, she continues speaking because there’s not really an answer to her rhetorical question. Of course, I remember. Kids were either obsessed with their past or claimed not to care, although a few straddled the line. “Those kids thought all of their problems would be solved if they knew who their parents were and why they abandoned them.”

I nod. Age usually played into whether the kids wanted to know or not. The longer the orphans were alone, the less they cared. “I never wanted to know,” Zosia says. She’s told me this before, but I didn’t really believe her at the time. How could she not care?

“I knew that my past, especially the part I couldn’t remember, was bad. I didn’t want to find out that my family had been involved in putting me through that. I didn’t have any dreams of my parents giving me up to save my life and showing up later like some kind of savior. Obviously, my subconscious knew that being at the orphanage was the safest place to be. Even though Ansel doesn’t know what we are to each other, he still feels guilty. If he’d decided to make me a part of his life or even take send more aid to the orphanage, Addington would have found out. You would have died for nothing, Ansel would probably have died, and the library wouldn’t have a sphinx.”

My wispy form bounces erratically. I don’t want to admit she’s right. Addington and Walthers would have stopped at nothing to recapture her, regardless of whether I’d killed my father. He’d only been a pawn and they have others who know how to do what he did if the experiments are continuing. Even if they couldn’t steal Zosia’s magic, they would have found a way to subjugate her and steal the library’s power.

“Even if Ansel is my father, it doesn’t change anything,” Zosia continues in a softer voice. “He’s a stranger now, and he would have been a stranger then. Even though I can’t seem to retrieve the memories of before Addington bought me, I know Ansel didn’t raise me. So what if he contributed DNA? We all know how inconsequential fathers can be.” She pauses while the four of us chuckle or roll our eyes in agreement. Her guardians could write the manual on how screwed up the relationship between father and son could be.

“If Ansel chooses to be a gargoyle, I’ll be able to get to know him. And through him, I can learn about my mother and my grandmother. It’s actually a very selfish act on my part. He’ll continue serving the library.”

“Is being a gargoyle any different from being a ghost?” Garrett asks. I squint at him with suspicion. Is he trying to make a point here? He answers his own question because he’s full of himself. I like the dude, but he’s arrogant – I suppose fathers do contribute. “There’s probably not much difference. Isn’t he still aware? If he is, he can still regret everything he’s done in his life. He’s not getting the peaceful and eternal oblivion of death. In my mind, it sounds more like a punishment than a gift.”

Both Zosia and I are silent as we consider his words. Why can’t the muscle-bound dude-bro be all muscle and no brain? He makes the rest of us look bad with his valid points and intelligent arguments.

“There is a difference,” Bren interjects. His mouth is half-full of food, but he doesn’t give a shit. His disregard for manners just increases his appeal. I laughed like a five-year-old when he farted after dinner last night, but I wasn’t the only one. Avery had looked offended, Garrett had rolled his eyes, but Zosia laughed with me. We were both a little, or a lot, immature.

He chews his food and swallows while we wait for an answer. “Unlike our friendly ghost friend, the gargoyles aren’t always aware. They hibernate when they’re not needed, and they usually take turns guarding and keeping watch. When they rest, they don’t think, dream, or get distracted by anything. They’re completely out, as if they’re just stone.”

“How do you know this?” Zo asks Bren before I can. Her eyes are wide with wonder, and I probably look similar.

Bren shrugs as he stuffs several olives in his mouth. For some reason, the sight makes me shudder with disgust. Did I hate olives when I was alive? The library enjoys her fancy boards filled with random foods for lunches and breaks. I think they have a special name … char-cootchie plates? They look appealing and arrive with extra fruits and vegetables, along with crackers, cheese, and uncured meats. She doesn’t offer processed foods, even the crackers look homemade and whole-grain, and I’ve decided she prefers the finger foods because they don’t create dirty dishes. She switches it up enough that the others don’t get tired of eating the same thing over and over.

“I 'affed ‘em,” Bren replies with his mouth full again. He swallows before continuing so that we can actually understand him. “I was up on the roof the other night and had a good conversation with the one on guard. He was really nice and he told me that they retain their memories for the first century or so but those recollections fade over time. After they lose all their memories, they become more like automated beasts with a single function. Their sole purpose is protecting the library and us, and that’s all they think about. They treat the ones that still have their memories like babies and they’re watched carefully for the first hundred years or so because they’re more likely to make mistakes. I talked to the leader. He’s the oldest and given special insight into how everything works. He doesn’t remember what he was called when he was alive, but I think they were all assigned gargoyle names. Finatan keeps a register of who they used to be and how long they’ve served. He’s kind of the leader of them when the library needs someone to take over keeping an eye on them.”

My awe toward our stone sentries has overtaken most of my remaining anger. I’m still a little mad, but the emotion isn’t as strong. What would it be like to be a gargoyle? It sounds horrible, but maybe better. If I didn’t remember my life or what it was like to be alive, would I still want to be with Zo? Would I still love her? Would I want for anything? And if I didn’t, maybe this afterlife wouldn’t be so bad. Hasn’t Bren spouted a quote about desire being the root of all suffering? Didn’t I think the exact same thing a couple days ago? I flinch as I realize how much shit that got us in, but I still ask the question on the tip of my tongue.

“Can we choose to be a gargoyle after … this?” I ask.After thisimplies Zosia will be dead, but that isn’t why she shoots me a death glare.

“Don’t even think about it, Boo. You’re mine, and you’ll stay mine for a long time. That scenario is so far in the future, you shouldn’t even be thinking about it.” The irritation she didn’t direct at Ansel comes at me, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I hate thinking about her death, and something in me feels happy that she wants to keep me. Should I be happy about it? I thought it was bad to be possessed – and not in a ghostly way. It’s not as if I’m her possession, though. I want her to be mine, so it’s like that, right?

I shake my head back and forth, hoping my blurry vision will rattle my thoughts back to the present moment. Of course, I can’t feel my head shake and my eyes don’t respond the way they should. The action only makes me bounce back and forth in the air like a ping-pong ball.

“Okay, back on track,” I say with my eyes closed and release an airless sigh. “Making Ansel a gargoyle might be more of a punishment than a reward.” I state the words aloud so I can test how they affect these newfound, stronger emotions. Before, I’d considered Zo’s offer a gift to Ansel when he might be the world’s biggest deadbeat dad, but maybe I’m looking at it the wrong way. What really matters is how he considers it. The possibility for Zosia to get answers makes me happy. She wants to feel connected to her ancestors and lineage, but she doesn’t necessarily consider Ansel an active part of that lineage. I decide I’m okay with this.

“I thought he was handsome when I first saw him,” my best friend whispers, and the horror in her voice is real. I double over in uncontrolled, unexpected laughter.

While the brothers swing their heads between Zo and me, the stoic vampire’s lips twitch. “It’s not unheard of to consider one’s parents objectionably attractive. It doesn’t mean you lust after them,” Avery soothes. “Even then, you didn’t know he might be related to you.”

“I know, but still …,” Zo whines and shudders dramatically, which makes me laugh again. Then, as if she’s putting on a mask, she morphs into the boss-lady. “Just like I told Ansel, we need to reopen for a couple of hours. I want these piles of books gone by the time we close.” I might never admit that it makes me hot and bothered when she turns on herprofessional librarianmode. Oblivious to my thoughts and desires, she turns her gaze toward the shifter. “Garrett, can you sense spells and enchantments if people enter with them? We want to avoid another situation like this morning.”

Garrett shakes his head. He appears physically pained to admit he can’t do something, but I feel like doing a celebratory dance. “Not really. Sometimes, I sense or smell magic, but I can’t see it and I can’t determine the type of magic it is. The main problem is that elites always have some spell or other on them. They usually have a protection amulet, glamour spell, or something minor that enhances their looks or suppresses their appetite. I won’t be able to find a more dangerous spell among those. The Vanderbeek woman offended me when she entered, but I thoughtshewas just offensive. I didn’t realize she had a dangerous spell, and I don’t think she activated it until she found her target.”

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