Page 78 of Saving Destiny

My mind whirls. Do I want to know? The day has already been long ….

Avery’s tension affects me as he grasps the back of my chair and looms over me. He’s suspicious and protective. Meanwhile, Garrett is leaning over the table toward Ansel. His hands make tight fists on the table’s surface. I have no doubt that he’ll leap across the table and throttle the dying man if he upsets me, and I don’t want that to happen.

Bren listens but occasionally wanders. I have no idea what he does when he steps away. Sometimes, he has a book; sometimes he doesn’t. I know he can follow the conversation even when it seems like he can’t hear. I don’t begrudge him his need to move, but I don’t know how he does it. His energy is boundless.

A sudden spike of pain pierces my temple. I rub my head and wonder what time it is. When I realize that midday has come and gone, food magically appears. Ansel and I are also offered a cup of coffee. I consider the library’s hospitality a sign from Sage. Whatever Ansel is hiding, she doesn’t believe he’s our enemy.

Although I’m hungry, I nurse the cup of coffee first. It’s been a tedious morning between the library’s opening, the illegal trap, Bren’s magic, and everything else. I’m not sure I can take more.

“You knew my mother, didn’t you?” Sudden insight escapes my mouth at the same time it leaves my mind.

Ansel nods sharply, but I taste his fear in the air; it’s sharp and slightly sour. I don’t know if the library is helping me gauge his emotions, but I realize that he’s scared to disclose what he knows.

“How well did you know her mother?” Kodi snarls, and his anger surprises me.

The old shifter swipes a hand across his face, looking much older and sicker than he ever has.

“Maybe now isn’t the best time,” Garrett grunts. His hand forms a fist on the table top.

What are my guardians thinking? Do they think Ansel knew my motherlike that?Shock freezes the breath inside my chest. Could Ansel be my father? It would explain the men’s anger. If he knew all along, and … I swallow hard.

“I don’t know anything for certain, and there’s so much more. There are details from the time right before your birth that you need to know,” Ansel protests. He sounds defeated, lost, and alone, and I feel pity for him regardless of what he might be hiding.

I release a breath and glance at the clock. We still have a crowd of students on the front steps, and books scattered all over the floor. I war with my need to know and my need to return to work, and the library isn’t telling me which one I should give priority. She’s not a demanding boss.

Ansel notices my quick look at the clock, and I see him make a decision. “I’ll return with Tremayne when the library is ready to close,” he says. “He’s the only one I trust. He knows everything I know and probably more. He’s going to watch over you after I’m gone, and he might be the only faculty member that Walthers can’t blackmail or silence. He will make a strong ally because he’s powerful and he has the library’s best intentions in mind. He was also a good friend of your grandmother’s and can add to the information I give you. Do you remember him from when you first entered the library?”

I nod because I do remember him, and I remember liking him. He’d been nice to me when Dighit had been rude, and it worked in his favor that Walthers couldn’t coerce him. The glances Garrett sends me are easy to read. He doesn’t want me to trust anyone that isn’t my mate. We could use a person on the outside, though. I meet the shifter’s gaze. I don’t know how much he understands because we’re not fully bonded, but I try to reassure him that we’ll be careful. He doesn’t say anything to dissuade me. Avery’s nod toward me indicates that he knows Tremayne and agrees that the mage could be an asset.

“All right,” I tell Ansel with a nod, “we will revisit my offer when you return as well. I have a library to reopen.” I glance at the clock again. “Will you be okay during that time?”

“Just being here has helped me regain some of my former energy. While I’m away, I’ll finish the list I started which designates the faculty members you can trust and to what extent. If I know what Walthers has against them, I’ll include that information. I started it days ago, but lost the energy to finish.” He looks contrite, but his words remind me of everything he’s done for the library regardless of the information he’s withholding.

His shoulders appear less hunched now, though, and he doesn’t look as if he might collapse at any second. That the library still offers him energy supports my decision to offer him the sentry position. Sage still favors him even though his contract with her ended a while ago, and that means he can’t be hiding anything too horrible. She reassures me that he’ll be fine for a couple of hours, and that letting him go now is the right decision. Both he and Tremayne have information I’ll find useful. I want to question her further, but she refuses to add anything else.

“Thank you, that will be fine,” I say, trying to project maturity and composure. “If any of the students that are still loitering harass you about it, you can tell them that the library will open at the next hour’s bell.” This gives the four living humans a chance to eat, use the restroom, and breathe in the silence. Kodi looks like he needs to give me a piece of his mind. He’s already come to his own conclusions, and I’m fully anticipating a lecture from him.

The shifter who might be more to me than just a benefactor stands up. His body moves more fluidly than it had upon his entrance, and the tinge of sickly grayness no longer stains his skin. Once he reaches the door and disappears, I shovel a few bites of food into my mouth in preparation for Kodi’s rant.

“It must have been hard to let him go. I’m sure you have a million questions.” Garrett manages to speak first.

I nod as I swallow and gulp my coffee. The flavors don’t exactly mix, but I’m too hungry and too tired to care. “Of course I do, but if he accepts my offer, I’ll be able to ask him those questions. He’ll be able to tell me about his relationship with my mother and things he knew about her, my grandmother, and her guardians. As a gargoyle, he’ll still retain his memories for a while and be able to relay those stories. If he’s dead, he can’t.”

My throat closes painfully on the fear that seeks to choke me. My family history is bound to come with information I don’t want to hear. Why did my mother leave? Why did my grandmother leave? She was killed outside of the library according to Sage. Why would she leave the safety of these walls? Did one of her guardians leave? Did he leave willingly? What if my grandmother and the library weren’t enough to keep him happy and satisfied like I fear? And what if Ansel isn’t my father? Who is?

The questions pile on top of each other, and I know they’ll distract me until Ansel returns. I might be scared of the truth, but I need to know the possible challenges my guardians might face at my side. I owe it to them. My primary duty is to the library, though, and I have to reopen the doors before the day completely fades. My job takes priority over my emotions and my curiosity.

Chapter 40

Kodi

“Ican’t believe you’re still thinking of offering him immortality!” I immediately launch into the tirade that’s been bouncing around my brain. “Do you understand what he didn’t say?”

Zo sighs heavily, and I can practically feel the weight of the emotions she’s dealing with. Surprisingly, I’m struggling with the same issue. Since the moment I first flickered into solidity, my emotions have steadily grown. I think it’s all in my head, just like my weak cravings for the food the others are eating. I can’t lust after the girl I love. I can’t get hard every time I remember the curves of her body or the vampire thrusting inside her. I know I can’t feel any of that because I’m dead, but damned if it doesn’tfeelreal. Just because something can be touched, does that make it real? I can be seen, I occupy space, I can be interacted with .... Don’t millions of people believe in their Gods for less?

Obviously, my emotions aren’t touchable, but they feel more tangible now because they create shadows of the physical reactions I lacked a week ago. My nonexistent heart seems to beat faster, my lungs seek to take on more air, my muscles tense and contract …. It’s all in my head, but it feels real to me. They haunt me as powerfully as I haunt this plane.

My anger is almost as strong as my desire. I’m pissed on Zosia’s behalf because she doesn’t seem pissed enough. It doesn’t matter whether Ansel wasn’t certain if Zosia was his biological child. Just the suspicion gave him a responsibility to take care of her. Her life at the orphanage was a living hell. Granted, it wasn’t as bad as the dungeon, but she deserved better after I saved her.

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