Page 23 of Saving Destiny

He studies me closely, and I wonder if he’s waiting for the library to expose my words as lies. I’ve spoken my truth, though. After a minute, he sits on the edge of the bed. He’s half-turned away from me but close enough that I can smell his unique scent of ozone.

“It’s not that smart to fall in love with someone you can’t touch or kiss,” he mutters. I can’t tell whether he’s warning himself or me. “You shouldn’t love me. You should be angry with me. I fucked up today and almost got everyone hurt.”

“Everyone makes mistakes, and I’ve already forgiven you. Just, please, don’t do it again. It was harder to remove the tether this time, and you’re safe inside the library. Stay with me. Please ….” My voice breaks on the last word. Kodi knows I rarely beg or plead, but he’s worth it.

Silence falls again, and I can’t see his expression because his face remains in shadow. I start pulling at the blanket’s threads again. My nervous fidgets will eventually transform the blanket into a pile of fabric and thread. I hope that the library understands.

“I don’t know if I can watch you with them.” My sphinx hearing deciphers the words because they’re barely more than a whisper. “I just feel sorry for myself all of the time for wanting what I can’t have.”

He inhales deeply, his shoulders and back moving with the motion as if he’s exchanging air like a living person. “Of course I love you too, Zo. I think I fell in love with you before I died – not romantic love because you were still a kid, and I’m not like that – but maybe I had hopes for a future together. You’re right that my emotions have weakened. I don’t know if my feelings qualify as real love, but I think you’re beautiful and amazing. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, and you share my stupidly immature sense of humor and tendency toward sarcasm. I love spending time with you, having conversations with you, and laughing together. When I’m around you, it almost feels like being alive again. Despite my bad attitude and all of my flaws, you still make me feel accepted and appreciated.”

My heart flutters in my chest. He speaks the words gently and softly, but their meaning carries a silent intensity. “Sounds like love to me,” I respond with equal delicacy. “What else could it be? By the way, I’m also never going to give up hoping that the other morning can happen again. I saw you in color; I felt warmth in your skin. I could touch you, and we will make it happen again.” I stop and sigh lightly. “No power in the universe is capable of bringing you back to life, but if we can touch each other …. I won’t rest until I figure it out. I also know that's not what’s really important, and I’ll love you whether it happens or not.”

I let my determination sink into both of us for a minute before I suggest a peace offering. “I don’t have to be with the others if it bothers you.”

He shakes his head and chuckles wryly, but I still can’t see his expression. “No. I don’t want you to deprive yourself of happiness and pleasure just because I’m jealous. I wouldn’t ask you to do that even if I was alive; it’s a dick move. Their father might be an asshole, but the brothers are good men. Avery is even better despite being a vampire. Your life is just like one of your romance novels, and you hate the ones without sex scenes.” Heat rises to my cheeks, but he’s not finished yet. “It would suck for all of you if your relationships didn’t progress. My ghost senses might be muted, but I can still feel the sexual tension between you and them. Those three men have signed their lives over to you, and I know you’re attracted to them.” He shrugs. “If I have issues, they’re my issues. I’ll deal with them.”

I can’t deny it without proving myself a liar, but I’m impressed that Kodi can be mature. He usually hides that trait deep within him. His feelings matter to me, though, and his understanding feels essential for me to move forward.

“At least I died for a good cause,” he grumbles after a minute of silence, finally turning back toward me. The subject change makes my head spin. “This would all be ridiculous if I’d fallen in the shower and cracked my head open.”

“You are a hero,” I reply in a dramatic tone. I continue before he starts arguing the point; I can practically hear the denial about to escape his mouth. “Thank the stars that your ghost form doesn’t display your death wounds like we’ve seen in the movies.” I shudder at the mental image. He’d died a grisly death – his guts and throat torn open by a savage wolf’s teeth. He flinches with agreement.

I yawn loudly. He’s agreed to stay with me and I’ve confessed my secrets, so the lack of sleep creeps up on me. “Will you stay with me? It’s so hard falling asleep when you’re not here, and I have nightmares.”

“Are you trying to guilt me into it? There are three other guys out there who would gladly share your bed.” Even though he’s arguing, he shifts his body so that he’s sitting next to me, his back propped against the headboard. I like having him close even if he doesn’t feel warm or solid.

“Didn’t you hear a word I said earlier? They might be able to share my bed, but they can’t replace you.” My tone is determined, but I suspect I might have to repeat the reassurance a hundred times before he believes it. Another yawn escapes me as I lie down again.

“Don’t leave me? Please, Kodi?”

He understands that I’m not only referring to tonight. He sighs, but his voice is gentle. “I’m here, little minx. I won’t leave again – not if I can help it, anyway.”

I nod and my eyes drift shut as my fingertips graze the edges of his ghostly form; the familiar tingle of his energy comforts me. Before I lose touch with the waking world, I make a silent vow. I’ll find a way to keep him with me. If there’s a way to touch him, I’ll find that too. I’ll do whatever is necessary to ensure a happy ending. We both deserve one.

Chapter 14

Zosia

When I start to emerge from a deep, dreamless sleep, I immediately imagine Kodi’s solid form. It felt like a dream yesterday, but I want it so badly that my chest hurts with the ache of my longing.

Afraid to open my eyes or disturb him, I concentrate on my other senses. Heat radiates on one side of me. The impossibility of a dead person being warm isn’t lost on me, but I forcefully push aside the contradictions. I squint, and the blur of colors makes my heart pound. I refuse to contemplate physics, anatomy, life, or death. Instead, I make a mental effort to focus only on gratitude.

Opening my eyes fully, I prop my head up and memorize the sight of my best friend. He’s no longer just monochrome plasma; his body possesses substance and his chest rises and falls with legitimate, even breaths.

I can’t resist the urge to touch him. Slowly, carefully, and deliberately, I splay my palm over his chest. My entire body shakes with fear. If I wake him, will he fade away again?

Kodi doesn’t have Avery’s ethereal beauty, Bren’s perfectly symmetrical features, or Garrett’s rugged appeal, but he’s still handsome. The thick red hair and freckles sprinkled across his cheeks complement his defined musculature and the faint scars on his neck and face. It’s entertaining to imagine what he would look like if he’d been a typical, magicless human. The hard set to his jaw suggests a punk or bad-boy vibe, and I envision him with multiple piercings or tattoos. He might have been a troublemaker or played in a band.

His face is smoother than I thought it would be, and I wrestle with his age. He’d been eighteen when he died, but he’s lived seven years as a ghost. Does that make him twenty-five or forever eighteen? Is it impossible for a ghost to grow a beard, or is it a trait? Avery’s face is smooth all of the time.

Afraid he’s going to fade at any moment, I lean closer. Although the faint scent of ozone still clings to him, another odor confuses my cat’s senses. The only description that comes to mind is magic, but magic can be anything.

I brush a feather-light kiss against the smoothness of his pale jaw. His thick eyelashes flutter in response, and I brace myself for his return to ghost form. These stolen moments are equally precious and agonizing. What if we try to have sex and he fades halfway through the act? The mental image my question presents makes my body heat at the possibilities, and I graze my lips against the corner of his full, pouty lips.

My newly accessed memories inform me that I’d been infatuated with him as a pre-teen. I’d clung to him and imagined him a hero despite his participation in my torture. His gentle tenderness never faltered, and I’d sensed the regret and helplessness within him. He apologized constantly for his role in everything, and I remember the tears in his eyes when he confessed that he didn’t have a choice.

Kodi had been my knight in shining armor. During the many years of imprisonment, he’d been my only source of compassion and kindness. Without him, I might have grown up cold and distant; my heart could be as broken as my body. He also read to me, which provided a crucial distraction and escape from the day-to-day horror show of my life. When pain wracked my body and prevented movement, his soft recital of words provided a therapeutic lullaby. Looking back, I don’t know why his superiors had allowed the kindness, but it was pointless to question it now.

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