Page 22 of Saving Destiny

“The power only works with statements that impact our relationship because that's what our contracts stipulated. She isn’t a lie detector.”

There are so many problems with this explanation. I open my mouth, but she pins me in place with a glare that prevents me from speaking.

“Don’t get distracted. Say it again.”

Damn, she’s bossy. I can’t refuse her, though, because I want to know the truth as badly as she does. “I helped capture your mother.” I pause intentionally, examining the words carefully. “That’s not true. Why did Shawnessy want me to think I did?” The question is purely rhetorical, but Zosia offers a shrug and an answer.

“Psychopaths don’t need reasons,” she grumbles.

The room grows darker as if the moon is preparing to set in preparation for the sun’s arrival. I know the view is false, but it must function as both a nightlight and a clock. I’ve been able to see in the dark since I died, so the lack of illumination doesn’t bother me. I’ve always joked that it’s a ghost trait – like the ability to float through matter – because I can’t manipulate doors or light sources.

The darkness has never bothered Zosia, either. Now, I realize that her ability is a feline trait. She also insists that my incorporeal body radiates a soft light, but I don’t see it. Shortly after our first meeting in my ghostly form, she joked that spirits were the original inspiration for glow-in-the-dark stickers and toys.

She’s oblivious to the fact that I’ve wandered off on an unrelated mental tangent, but her words bring me back to the moment. “That man was twisted, and it’s pointless to guess at the reasons behind his actions. What’s important right now is that you believe you had no part in my mother’s death or imprisonment, Kodi. You can let that guilt go.” She pauses with a frown. “It’s weird, but I still don’t remember the years before the dungeon. I feel like she died before then, though, like years before then. Since you’re older than me, you would have been really young at the time.”

“I know I was forced to use my magic to capture shifters by the time I was seven, Zo. My father would force me to go with him and threatened to hurt my sister or me if I didn’t do what he said. She was barely old enough to talk; I didn’t realize at the time that she was slow to develop.” Although my words are a whisper, they don’t feel wrong before or after they emerge. At least these memories are accurate.

“Come here, boo.” Zosia’s softly spoken demand makes me stiffen.

I don’t move. “It doesn’t matter whether I killed your mother or not, Zo. I’m still a liability. I led you into the torture chamber and tied you down. I didn’t do a damn thing while that bastard carved into your back.”

She sighs melodramatically. I probably sound similar when she whines that she’s ugly or worthless because she can’t use her legs properly. “Haven’t we already discussed this? Yes, you did those things. You also saved me. You’ve been punished, Kodi. A wolf shifter tore you into pieces because you saved my life and prevented them from stealing my magic. If you insist on playing the martyr, you can repay me by being my guardian.”

“But I’m a shit guardian, Zo,” I argue automatically. “I put all of us in danger when I left the library.” Anger at my earlier, idiotic actions makes my hands clench tightly, but I can’t feel the tension that the gesture creates. I can’t feel anything.

Nothing changes the fact that I’m dead. I don’t possess a corporeal form, I can’t manipulate my surroundings, and I can’t protect Zosia from harm. If I looked up the definition of useless, it might as well display my picture. The library doesn’t bother fact-checking my pathetically subjective opinion.

“I’ve already forgiven you for yesterday, and I don’t really care whether you’re a good guardian or not. It doesn’t matter because you’re an amazing friend. I love you, Kodi. I’ve been in love with you for years, and I didn’t realize it until I almost lost you. I couldn’t deny it anymore after the first time you were tethered – which was totallymyfault, by the way, so we should be even now. I pointed you out to the supes who came to the orphanage. They tethered you, and you started to fade away. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you.” She draws in a shuddering breath.

I can’t do anything but stare at her. Something like shock makes my chest feel warm. I’m confident that the temperature shift is just my imagination.

She continues speaking while I struggle to understand what she’s trying to say. “The truth is that I don’t really need a fourth guardian, Kodi. I need you because you’re my best friend and the man I love. You are my first love, ghost or not, and I can’t do any of this without you. I won’t let you leave again.”

Chapter 13

Zosia

Kodi’s shadowy form hovers motionlessly near the foot of the bed. Because he doesn’t breathe or make any bodily noises, he could be mistaken for a piece of furniture or a monochrome replica.

I study his face and realize that I’ve shocked him with my confession, although the nature of my love might be to blame. My words sound possessive, codependent, and demanding. The intense need to keep him by my side disturbs me a little. Didn’t he know this already? Hadn’t he guessed?

It doesn’t matter whether he returns the sentiment or not; I realize his emotions are different from mine. He’s tried to explain that they’re as ghost-like as his body. Love remains authentic even if it isn’t reciprocated, and I’d still love him regardless of whether he’d participated in my parent’s captures or deaths. I made a conscious decision to forgive him for everything. He was too young to know any differently, most of his actions were performed under coercion, and he’s already paid the ultimate price. Nothing he says will change the way I feel.

The silence stretches uncomfortably, so I begin to babble. “I know emotions are weird for you. You don’t have to say it back, but I needed to get it out. There was a moment today when I thought I might never get to tell you. Although I might have a better life here, none of it matters if you leave. And let me make things clear before you start dismissing my feelings as just platonic. It might be strange, but I think you’re attractive even as a ghost. I’m coping with the fact that I might never be able to kiss or touch you.”

I take a deep breath because the words keep coming. I’ve waited years to say all of this; I can’t stop now. “Having three other guardians doesn’t mean I can just substitute another one. No one can take your place, and I thought you knew that. We grew up in an underground dungeon and the time afterward wasn’t easy, either. You helped me survive both, but I don’t love you just because we share a past. I want you to be part of my future.”

I sigh and start picking at the embroidered threads on my quilt. “I realize I’m acting selfish and greedy. I’m probably the reason you can’t move on to the afterlife, especially if your sister has passed.” I shrug. “Selfish or not, I know what I want. You.”

When I glance up at him, he’s still in the same position. This isn’t the first time he’s looked like he’s entirely paralyzed, but it becomes more uncomfortable the longer it lasts.

Squirming with discomfort, I fuss with my pillows and sit up against the headboard. My neck aches because he insists on hovering above my line of sight, and I need to stretch my legs. He still doesn’t move. “Cheezus, Kodi, say something. Blink, breathe, do something .... You’re starting to freak me out.”

The substitute blasphemy that the orphanage’s caretaker had despised finally snaps him out of his petrified state.

He blinks and floats closer, but it’s still several minutes before he speaks. “You can’t love me. I’m not really here.”

I roll my eyes to the ceiling. “Bull dung. People fall in love with people they’ve never seen or met all the time. It’s the second reason for the internet’s existence. We’re different, though, because neither of us is pretending to be something or someone we’re not. We’re not trying to highlight our best qualities or hide our faults. We know each other, the good and bad. You’re reallyhereto me because I know you better than I know anyone else.” In my head, my logic is solid, and I have rebuttals if he continues to argue.

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