Page 33 of Betrayed

His arms tightened. “Stop blaming yourself. There were two of us in this scene. Knowing you were dealing with, as you American’s say, some heavy shit, I should have tread more cautiously. For that I apologize.”

She tipped her head back onto his shoulder and peeked up at him in surprise. He was unlike any dom she’d ever met.

Once again, he easily read her expression. “I enjoy pushing limits, but not to the point of panic or beyond painful pleasure. The goal is mutual satisfaction. Is that not your experience?”

She shook her head.

“Explain,s’il te plait.” It wasn’t a request.

She shifted uncomfortably on his lap. His hand came to her chin, forcing her to meet his gaze.

“If I am at fault for rushing things, you are equally so for withholding your feelings from your dom, and any past trauma.”

“It wasn’t trauma,” she quickly corrected. “Derek was a good man. We loved each other, but in the beginning...” She shrugged, looking away, not wanting him to think badly of either of them. “We were young and new to everything. He was a bit impatient if I blew a scene, especially if it was something he knew I would enjoy. I was silly and naïve, and he turned out to be right. So, I learned quickly not to buck him on these things.”

“You did scenes with him that made you ill at ease, pushing yourself to endure more, doing things you didn’t particularly want, just to make him happy?”

She fidgeted more. Hearing it summed up for her, she realized she had more of a give-give relationship with Derek than a give-and-take, which wasn’t particularly healthy, as two of the shrinks so succinctly pointed out. No wonder she was so lost after he passed.

“Let me clarify. I get no gratification out of anything I do with a partner if they do not get something out of it as well. Sometimes it is pain, other times its pleasure, and still others, like you with your Derek, it fills a need to serve, and to please. But I don’t get the impression you want that anymore.”

“I did for a long time. I reveled in making a home for my husband and our children, keeping them happy, bending over backward to please them, but when he was gone and my kids grew up and left, too, I felt empty, my future bleak and lonely.” She blinked, and another teardrop rolled down her cheek. “I never want to be so dependent upon someone again that I lose who I am. It’s taken me a long time to figure out there is a me that doesn’t revolve around others.”

His hand moved upward, cupping her damp cheek, his thumb sweeping away the beaded droplet that followed the line of her jaw. “And that’s why you come here only to play, picking partners that are not a threat to your fragile recovery, and keeping everyone a distance.”

Damn the man for being so discerning.

“Not all BDSM relationships are master and slave, Mari. They are what the partners make of it. If you did something you hated because you wanted solely to please me, I’d be most upset. And even though the dom in me feels I should be the center of my submissive’s universe, I know that is unreasonable. Two separate people coming together as one, giving and taking, fulfilling the needs of the other whatever they may be, and enjoying being together. That’s what I see as healthy.”

Liking what she heard still, she hesitated. She wanted to be with him, but could she keep from falling into that same old trap?

“For us to build a relationship, we would have rules, both of us, and hard limits we do not cross. I don’t think you meant to say your submissive side wouldn’t enjoy some level of control. If you disobeyed, bending you over my knee perhaps, or having you kneel naked on the bed awaiting punishment, as before. Would that not make your body tremble and your heart race with anticipation?”

As the scene he described took shape in her mind, she licked her suddenly dry lips. His eyes followed the subtle movement and his thumb came up, lightly tracing the lingering wetness.

“I see it does. And what about your masochist? You would undoubtedly become aroused from more than my hand spanking your naughty behind. Maybe with a paddle or a strap, or a cane, instead.” He chuckled as she squirmed on his lap, her need mounting. “With sadomasochists like ourselves, who are also dominant and submissive, there is an overlap, a give-and-take dynamic to be satisfied. In a scene such as tonight, however, when raw emotions are triggered, communication is the key, as much as complete honesty. Because, Mari, no matter what all the other doms you’ve met might want you to think, we are not infallible, and it takes a bigger man to admit that than to blame the submissive for something they aren’t often responsible for.”

His hand cupped her chin, his eyes sweeping over her face, searching for comprehension.

Indeed, he was a dom and a sadist like none she had encountered, and it would take some soul-searching to figure out why what he said made more sense than what she had with Derek. Looking back, some of which was making her feel uncomfortable.

* * *

HE WAITED FOR HIS WORDSto sink in and understanding to follow, but her gaze didn’t meet his, lifting no farther than his chin, still visibly conflicted. Curving his fingers beneath her chin, he tipped her face up farther.

“Look at me.” He pitched his voice lower, compelling her compliance. Large and luminous, her eyes rose the rest of the way. “There is something more, isn’t there? You come to the club to fill a void, but you are as yet unfulfilled, setting limits that will prevent you from surrendering to what you need. Why? Do you think it’s a betrayal?”

Her expression darkened as he watched guilt consume her, and again, she looked away.

“Did he love you?”

“Yes.” Her answer came swiftly, without reservation.

“If that is the case, surely, he wouldn’t want you to suffer, so, to live out your life alone, without caring, companionship, and love. Was he such a selfish man that he would want you to go on without your needs being fulfilled ever again?”

“I don’t...” Her brows gathered into a frown of such ambiguity it was painful to watch. “We never... It came as such a shock, out of the blue.”

“I understand. Let’s reverse the scenario. Would you have wanted him to suffer as you have?”

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