Page 220 of Texting Dr. Stalker

I needed to leave before I was caught.

I needed to think about this, deliberate over this, and decide if this was forgivable.

Scooting Peng higher in my arms, I turned to go, but Zander’s soft confession had my feet rooting into the ground.

“I love her. I think I always have. I know I always will. The very thought of never being able to talk so honestly with her? The idea of living beside her and never touching her again? God, it rips out my heart.” His voice thickened. “I didn’t know how lonely I was until I started going around to her place. The night after our first bike ride, all I wanted to do was invite her in. Not to hook up, but just because I couldn’t bear to be away from her. But she declined my offer and messaged X instead. She gave him cake and kissed him and—”

“And you’re back to talking about yourself in third person.” Colin reached over and patted Zander’s hand. “What did I tell you about that nonsense?”

Zander actually smirked. “Fine, you smart-ass.Igot to hang out with her that night as X but when I came home, it wasn’t just loneliness that cut me but gut-ripping jealousy. I was so fucking jealous because this alter ego earned everything I ever wanted.”

“Isn’t that saying something, though? She likes this version of you. This version that you’ve pretended doesn’t exist all because it doesn’t fit in with your idea of what a ‘good guy’ should be?”

Zander ignored him, muttering, “X got to be everything I was too afraid to be. I was free when wearing that mask, Col, and…she’s never looked at me the way she looked at X, and honestly…I don’t think I have the strength anymore.”

Colin’s eyebrows shot up. “What are you saying?”

Zander took his time replying. “I’m saying I love her. I’minlove with her. But…she’s not in love with me. And because I don’t have the courage to have her hate me, I can’t tell her. This secret will eat me alive for the rest of my life, but I’m done. I function better on my own anyway. I should never have thought I could deserve her.” Sitting stiffly, he nodded as if he’d made up his mind. “I’m going to kill X off and be done with it.”

“So…wait.” Colin scowled. “That’s it? You’re not even going to try to date her as yourself? Red hair, glasses, and all?”

Zander bowed his head and dug his fingers into his eyes. When he looked up, they were suspiciously wet. “I can’t. I’ll never be able to forgive myself.”

“Then how about you tell her everything and letherforgiveyou.”

“She won’t forgive me, that’s the problem. And I don’t blame her. What I’ve done is unforgivable.” Standing, Zander headed up the two steps toward the kitchen. “Thanks for coming round, Col, but I’ve sobered up and really want to go to bed, so…I’ll walk you out.”

Colin swooped to his feet and balled his hands. “You’re a frustrating son of a bitch, you know that?”

Zander didn’t reply.

Stalking into him, Colin threw a single fist right into Zander’s stomach.

Zander doubled over with a groan. “What the—?”

“That was for Sailor.” Rolling out his wrist, Colin stomped through the house and disappeared.

Zander slowly kneeled where he stood, cradling his middle.

And I faded into the night as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

* 50 *

Zander

Time to Immigrate

“DAMN, ARE YOU SURE?”

Doing my best to stop my knees bouncing where I sat before the desk of the hospital hiring department, I nodded. Every muscle ached like I had the flu. Every day was worse than the last. Somehow, a week had passed since I’d been with Sailor, and she hadn’t sent me a single message.

Not to X or to Zander.

I’d drafted so many texts to her, coming up with the quickest, surest way to make her hate X and cut him out of her life completely, but each time I wrote something—each time I typed lines like: ‘I’m sorry’, ‘forgive me’, ‘this is the only way’, ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you’—I hated myself a little more.

“How about you think a little more on this and—”

“No, I’m sure.” I wedged my palms on my thighs. “I’d like to be transferred. I’m happy to consider any hospital you recommend. I’m even open to overseas.”

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