Page 85 of Echoes of Us

“Why? Are you jealous?”

“Well, a little,” I admitted with a frown.

He leaned in to kiss me.

“It’s pretty bad seeing girls hit on you. I don’t think it’d be better if it were a guy. In fact, I’m sure it’d be a lot worse.”

His laughter vibrated against my chest. “I like that.” Our gazes met and held as he ran his tongue slowly over his lip. “My big, manly man, who carries me around and gets jealous when people hit on me,” he continued, giving me a flirty smile that killed me. “I love that,” he whispered.

“You’re insane, Noah.”

He laughed loudly as he threw his head back. I took advantage of the angle to kiss his neck again.

Managing Noah went back to being easy, at least for that weekend. On Monday, he had to fly to Seattle to sign some papers. He returned the next day, but I still stayed at his apartment that night, missing him. When he came back, I could tell he wasn’t in the best mood, so I decided to do what he asked and give him space. I didn’t leave his house, but he stayed in his room while I waited outside, playing video games. After a while, he came and found me. He crept slowly towards me, sitting down and tucking himself under my arm. He stayed like that, and I waited for him to talk.

“Atty, can you stop for a second?”

I paused the game. “What is it?”

He moved closer, his eyes downcast. “I need to talk to you about something.”

My nerves settled in my stomach. I started to pray he wouldn’t tell me he’d used again while he was there. I knew, honestly, I wouldn’t be able to stick to my word of breaking up with him. “Okay.”

Noah stayed quiet for a long time, taking deep, measured breaths before speaking again. He moved away from me and leaned his elbows on his knees. “I’ve been having a hard time lately. The thing with my family, papers, and lawyers. I’ve been missing my dad a lot.” The last part came out almost like a whisper.

I placed my hand on his shoulder, and he looked away. “I’m sorry, Noah.”

“Sometimes missing him feels a little numb, you know, like it’s not there. But other times…” He paused, searching for the right words.

I moved closer, making sure I didn’t miss anything.

“Other times it feels like there’s a crack in me, like something broke, and I can’t put it back together.” He clicked his tongue, trying to fight his emotions.

I reached for his hand and clasped it in mine.

“When that happens, my mind goes in one of twodirections. I either don’t want to feel anything, and I’ll do anything to make sure that happens, or I’ll drown in it and make it a million times worse. The result isn’t pretty with either,” he explained.

I nodded, understanding more of what he was going through.

“Right now, I’m standing at the precipice again, and I don’t think it’s ever been this bad, because I think time isn’t helping this heal. It’s making it worse. The more time goes by, and he’s not here, it’s…” He paused again, his breath shaky. “It’s not getting better.”

“Thank you for telling me.” I squeezed his hand gently. I could tell how difficult this was for him. Noah wasn’t used to opening up, dealing with his feelings, or sharing them with anyone. “What are you thinking now?”

“That I’m pretty close to fucking things up,” he admitted honestly.

Fear gripped me again. I never knew how to handle Noah when he was like this.

“Can I help?” My voice was tentative at best.

He turned to face me. His eyes were red, and he was upset, but he was here, not running away.

He grabbed both my hands. “I’m trying hard not to fuck things up this time, Atty. I don’t want to ruin things with us, so I need to ask for something from you. And I’m not sure if this is the right way. I’m just trying not to mess it up.”

“Tell me,” I urged him gently.

“You help. Being with you really helps, much more than I can explain. When you came here and found me, nobody had ever been able to pull me out of this like you. I guess I’m asking if…” He hesitated, searching for the right words, but I was nodding anyway. “I need to hold on to you a little tighter—not forever, just enough to get me through this.”

“What does that mean?”

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