Page 74 of Echoes of Us

“I said I’d break up with you if you did it again and didn’t get help,” I corrected.

He shook his head.

“Yes, Noah, that’s exactly what I said to you. You could have gotten help. You didn’t have to…” I closed my eyes, attempting to gather my emotions. “You didn’t have to break me like this,” I finished, feeling a heavy weight pressing against my chest.

“I know it doesn’t seem like enough of a reason, but I was scared. That’s the truth. Things between us had gotten so fucked up because of me.”

I met his eyes again.

He took in a deep breath, steadying himself. “Do you remember the last fight we had?”

“In the last game?”

“No, the last fight we had when we were together.”

His words made my stomach churn. Of course, I fucking remembered. Nothing had ever hurt quite as bad. Except finding him gone two days later.

I couldn’t make my throat work, so I nodded instead.

“You said you wished you never met me.” His voice was soft, but it felt like a hit to my heart. This had been such a bad idea.

I exhaled loudly and ran my hands through my hair. “I can’t do this.”

Noah took another couple of steps towards me. “I need you to listen to me, Atty. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I never wanted to do it. I’m not telling you this to make it worse,” he insisted.

His sincerity made me look up. He was standing close enough for me to feel his presence but not close enough to touch.

“You said you wished you never met me,” he repeated, like it was the key to everything when, in fact, solved nothing.

“I didn’t mean that, Noah. I was just mad at you,” I admitted, my heart aching.

“Maybe, but I realized how much I was messing you up, and I hated it. I hated myself. I still do…every time I look at you, I fucking hate myself for what I did and for not just leaving…for everything. I couldn’t control myself around you; I was obsessed with you,” Noah confessed.

“I hate this,” I murmured, shaking my head.

“I was. From the moment I saw you at that party, I was obsessed with you. Then you came to my house and coaxed me out of my nightmare, and it was like throwing gas on a fire. Every day, it just got worse and worse, and I couldn’tbreathe if you weren’t with me. I was making you feel the same way. I was making you crazy too,” he continued, his voice pained.

“I was in love with you, Noah. That’s what I was feeling.”

“Atty, you were going through my things, through my phone. Monitoring me all the time to check if I was eating, if I was sleeping enough, and counting my pills. That’s not normal,” he said, and his words cut deep.

All I ever wanted was for him to be okay.

“Because you kept lying to me,” I retorted, feeling the sting of old wounds.

“Exactly. I was making you crazy too. This is my fault, and I did a shitty thing, but I thought I was doing the right thing, because you needed to get away from me. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell you. I was a coward, but I knew if I saw you, I wouldn’t be able to do it,” he explained, his eyes bright with unshed tears. “Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I couldn’t quit, and I knew it was going to get worse. It was already so bad, the fights and just everything, it was so bad.”

“You knew what you were doing, Noah. That’s what hurts the most. You knew you were leaving. You could have talked to me. I left for one night, and I came back to a box of my things in the lobby. No explanations. How did you think that felt? I tried calling you, and you fucking blocked me.” My voice rose with anger and hurt.

He looked heartbroken too. “I couldn’t do it,” he whispered.

“You fucking knew, Noah. That’s why you…” I started but couldn’t bring myself to finish. “I thought it was getting better. You made me think it was getting better.” My eyes were burning, but I pushed it down.

“I’m so sorry. You don’t know how much I regret it. I thought I was doing the right thing,” Noah said desperately.

“You’re right; you are a coward.” I rubbed my face in myhands. It was like being in those fights again, only worse because I didn’t have him.

“Atty.” He led my hands down gently.

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