Page 175 of Echoes of Us

He chuckled, looking a little abashed. She placed a plate for me.

“Gracias.”

She smiled at Noah with a nod.

He laughed, shaking his head. “I’m sorry about that.” He scrunched his nose. “And all this, I don’t mean to seem presumptuous. I just thought I could take advantage of your altered state for a little longer, while you’re still speaking to me. You can leave if you want to.” His face turned serious as he spoke.

I put my cup down. “I’m sorry about last night?—”

“I’m not,” he interrupted. “Even if you don’t ever want to see me again, I’m not sorry. Don’t be sorry.”

I stared at him for a second before nodding.

“You can ask me about what happened. We can talk about that too,” he added.

“Okay. After I eat, because I’m still feeling like crap.”

His face broke into a shy grin. “Yeah, okay.”

We finished, and Noah talked to Jaz before she excused herself and left early for the day. We went out on the balcony, sitting and looking out at the city. I was feeling mildly better, and Noah got me another cup of coffee and a Gatorade. Hekept fidgeting in his seat, trying to get comfortable, and forcing himself to stay still when he noticed what he was doing. He was still restless; it was part of his personality, but he could sit still now. Holly had been right about that.

“What happened?”

He took a deep breath. “The last day we spent together. You were right. I knew what I was doing. After that fight, I couldn’t sleep. I kept trying to figure out a way to make it all better for you, but I was using again and didn’t know how to stop. I figured if I left, everything would work out for you. You’d get over me, and whatever happened to me, I would be fine with.”

I pressed my knuckles to my lips and waited.

“I wanted to make that last day perfect for you. I didn’t want you to remember me in the ugliness of those fights. But somewhere along the way, it turned into me trying to soak it up before I gave you up. It was harder than I thought, saying goodbye.” He was upset again, but he was much better at keeping it together. “It drove me into this bender. I left town, as far as I could, and just gave up. I’m guessing Holly told you she was there when it happened.”

“Yeah, she did,” I replied, my voice hoarse again. I cleared my throat.

“I’m not sure why. I was really out of it, but I asked her to come. I wanted to say goodbye to her too.”

“Was it…?” I couldn’t get the words out.

His eyes fixed on mine. He gave me a small nod that broke my heart. “I didn’t plan on making it out of it alive.” He took another deep breath. “It wasn’t exactly a plan, and when the chest pain hit and I couldn’t breathe right, I panicked and called Holly. They resuscitated me in the ambulance. I don’t remember a lot of it, but I do remember not wanting to die.”

My heart was racing in my chest again.

His eyes fell to his lap. “I shouldn’t have needed surgery, but I had a mitral valve prolapse, a tiny heart condition thatshouldn’t have done anything. But I made it worse because of how much strain I had put it through over the years. The first surgery wasn’t invasive, but it failed, and I had to get the big one instead. I tried to call you before, because I thought I wasn’t going to make it. When I did, I decided not to call you until I got better,” Noah explained.

“You didn’t,” I noted.

“You said something to me the last time we saw each other. I told you that you deserved better, and you asked me if I’d do better, like it was the simplest thing in the world. Do you remember that?”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“It took me months of rehab and therapy to understand that it was that simple—that I could do better. It wasn’t the world screwing with me, making me act that way. I did it. I chose to do drugs and not quit and lie and be an asshole. I chose all those things, and I could also choose to stop. I don’t think I’ve gotten the hang of it yet. In fact, I know I don’t, because the last time we talked, I screwed things up again. But I’m still working on it, on doing better. It’s not just for you either. I want to do it for myself. I want to be proud of myself and my life. I want to fix the relationships I’ve broken, and that’s what I’ve been trying to do. I didn’t call you because I felt like too much time had gone by, and I couldn’t explain all this in a phone call. So, when I was ready, I came back. I knew you’d be mad at me. I wasn’t expecting you to come running back to me, but I wasn’t prepared for you to hate me either.”

He kept his eyes on mine. I listened and tried to understand what he went through, tried putting myself in his shoes.

“I felt like I was back to square one, and I was terrified to talk to you. Whenever I tried, I couldn’t get the words out. You were so mad at me, and all I could see was the hurt in your eyes, and it only made it worse. I kept saying the wrongthing, and you’d get even more upset. Then that night at the party at your house, I thought, this is it. I’m going to tell him now and fix everything. But you just wanted to let me go. Then it wasn’t your anger but this gaping hole of heartbreak I got myself into, because I honestly thought I could get you back and you were done with me. After that, I gave up on telling you because I didn’t want to make it worse,” he explained.

“I wanted to be done with you. I haven’t managed it very well so far.”

“I’m terrible at it too.”

I shook my head and took a deep breath. “Noah?—”

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