Page 51 of Shoot Your Shot

I open my mouth to speak, but she holds her finger out, pressing it against my lips.

“No. Don’t fucking talk. It’s my turn to talk.” Standing quickly, she begins pacing in front of me. “I’m not naive enough to think everything was your fault, Kolt. It wasn’t. For a long time before things went to shit, I know I wasn’t exactly making it easy to love me.” Her voice breaks, and she wrings her hands together as she continues to pace. “I pushed you to become the husband that you were those last few months. I know that.”

I start to get up because … fuck that. She did nothing wrong; she has to know that, but she stops me.

“Don’t try to make anything better right now, Kolt. Just listen.” Her face relaxes. “Please. Listen.”

Exhaling, I take a seat on the couch and wait.

“I got so focused on having a baby,” she croaks out, sending my heart through a shredder. “Every month was like a whole new world of disappointment. Little by little, I felt like I was losing myself. And I knew better than to get my hopes up after each cycle. I promised you and everyone else that I wouldn’t. Yet you didn’t realize that after I ovulated and we tried … I’d start buying pregnancy tests. I’m not kidding—I’d go through at least a dozen each month.” She laughs sadly, not fighting the huge tears welling in her eyes. “My mind would actually make me believe that the first ten were likely wrong, so just in case, I’d take a few more. My boobs would hurt, and I’d feel moody, so I’d swear it was my time to finally get those two lines.” She rocks slowly, tucking her hands under her armpits.

It’s killing me not to rush to her and pull her toward me. I can tell how much sharing this is gutting her, and yet something inside tells me just to let her talk and leave her be.

“I became so fixated on what I thought our family should be. I guess—no, I know—I took for granted the family we already had.” Her eyes lift to mine, and her lip quivers. “Weare a family, Kolt. Well, we were. Somewhere, in the midst of trying to become a mom and making you a dad, I lost sight of that.” She shrugs weakly. “It took me a long time to stop blaming you for pulling away from me. But the truth is, I know I pushed you to do it. So, no matter what I say, I’m angrier with myself than I will ever be with you.” She covers her face, her shoulders shuddering from her cries. “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a baby, Kolt. I’m so sorry my body is broken.”

It all clicks. The reason why she’s fought us talking so much. It’s because of this right here. She has been scared to open up to me about it all. And I hate that, but then again, I did the same thing.

I can’t take it anymore, and I rush toward her.

“Baby.” The word comes from my mouth as a strangled plea as I cradle her to my chest. “No, baby. You have it all wrong.”

“No, I don’t.” She shakes her head. “It’s the truth. I’ve known it for a while, and it’s time I was honest with you too.” She peeks up at me through tear-soaked lashes. “I don’t blame you for pushing me out the door, Kolt. I wasn’t the Paige you had fallen in love with anymore. I don’t know how to get back to her either.”

I cup her face, bringing my lips to hers. “You areexactlywho I fell in love with. You’re my wife.” I feel sick to my stomach, knowing that tonight is the night I have to be honest with her and I’m not sure if we’ll ever come back from it. “But I don’t think you’re going to want to be after I tell you what I’ve wanted to for so long. If you hate me, I’ll understand. But promise me something: once you hear the truth, you’ll stop carrying the guilt of everything that’s happened between us. Say you promise,” I rasp.

She looks so scared and unsure. But because she trusts me somewhere deep inside, she nods. “I promise.”

“You aren’t the reason why we didn’t get pregnant, Paige.” The words come from my mouth low and so tortured, causing even worse pain in my chest than my heart attack did.

I’m about to change everything. I’m about to rip her apart.

I stare down at her with what I need to say stuck in my throat.

“If I’m going to break your heart, I need a drink first,” I say, dropping my hands and walking into the kitchen.

The entire downstairs is open, so as I pull out a bottle of vodka from under the sink and take a swig from it, I see Paige making her way toward me.

When she holds her hand out, I pass her the bottle, and she takes a long drink before passing it back. I take one more shot and set it down on the counter.

I wave my hand toward the barstool and cringe. “I think you should sit down for this.”

Her eyes widen, but slowly, she sinks down onto the stool and waits for me to talk.

“A few months before you left me, I went to the doctor. Just for my regular physical shit.” I pause, leaning my palms against the countertop. “When I was there, I mentioned to the doctor that we had been trying to get pregnant for a long time, but with no luck.” With every word that spills from my lips, I feel fucking sicker to my stomach. “He offered to do a test. One that would analyze my sperm.”

The color visibly drains from her face. Hell, even her usually red lips look lighter as she waits to hear what I have to say next. She’s felt guilty for not getting pregnant for years. The whole time though, it was my fault, and I knew it and never told her the truth. I let her carry that burden when I could have freed her from it. I did everything so wrong.

I made such a fucking mess of us and the life we’d built together. She’ll never trust me again. How could she after this?

“A few months before you left, I found out it wasn’t your fault that you weren’t getting pregnant.” I scrub my eyes with the back of my hand. “It was mine.”

“What?” She breathes the word out, putting a hand over her mouth. “You went to the doctor and found that outmonthsbefore I asked for a divorce, and you never told me?” Her mouth curves down in pure devastation. “You kept something that big from me, Kolt? All this time?”

I grimace but work up a weak nod. “That’s why I pushed you away for those two months. Because you’ve always talked about wanting kids, Paige. I knew—I fucking knew—if I told you the truth about that appointment, you’d lie and tell me everything was going to be fine. And that you’d get over it.” I look down, my head hanging. “But you shouldn’t have to do that—ever. And eventually, you would have resented me down the road.”

My throat burns from every poisonous word that just came from my mouth. Because now, it’s all out there. No going back.

As I take a few steps around the kitchen, she backs further away, and when I try to catch up to her, she holds her hand out and shakes her head quickly. “No. No. You don’t get to come near me right now, Kolt. Not after what you just told me.”

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