Page 93 of From Maybe to Baby

- Special programs (Lukas would love the science lab)

- Arts integration (Jace needs a creative outlet)

- After-school activities that work with NHL schedules

I hitsave.

My phone buzzes. Mom:

How's the Paris prep going?

Great. Very professional

Then why are you sending me links to SF real estate?

Did I send you that? It was accidental

Mmm hmm

Stop it, Mom

Earlier today, I nearly had a panic attack in Target.

In the kids' section.

Somewhere between the tiny hockey gear and the princess dresses, it hit me—I know their sizes. I know Lukas needs new skates and Jace is obsessed with anything sparkly and purple. I know which snacks they'll eat and which they'll negotiate away. I know...

Too much.

Way too much.

"Don't lose yourself," Mom's voice echoes in my head. "Don't give up your dreams for someone else's life."

But what if that that life is the dream?

Just asking.

My laptop pings with a news alert: "Hockey's Most Eligible Dad Back on Market? Sources Say Travel Writer Heading to Paris"

The comments are brutal:

Another woman abandoning those poor kids

Called it - she was never mom material

Back to her selfish child-free lifestyle

Those kids deserve better

Delete. Delete. Delete.

But they're right, aren't they? I'm not mom material. I'm solo luxury travel material. I'm five-star resort reviews and Fashion Week coverage and...

My spreadsheet mocks me with its domestic perfection. When did I learn about school zones? When did I start caring about elementary school rankings? When did I become someone who knows the difference between public and charter options?

I close the spreadsheet and look at the Paris apartment listings my mother sent.

Her words again: "Don't lose yourself."

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