Page 19 of From Maybe to Baby

I sigh, bracing myself for the chaos that comes with their kind of fun. By the time I hit the door, I’m already wondering how fast I can hide that damn garden hose.

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3

ALEXA

This shit is harderthan I thought.

The Hale Olu’olu Resort & Spa offers countless opportunities for family bonding...

Delete.

Parents seeking quality time with their precious little ones will find...

Delete harder.

For the discerning family seeking an authentic Hawaiian experience...

Whaaaat? There's nothing authentic about a pool shaped like a volcano that erupts on schedule with cheesy light show. Theonly thing potentially Hawaiian about it is the plastic lei they drape around your neck at check-in—which was probably made in China.

To further my suffering, seven different children have splashed me in the past hour. I'm keeping count because apparently, that's what my life has become—a statistical analysis of tiny terrorists in swim gear.

The resort's main pool area provides endless entertainment for young guests, while their parents...

While their parents what? Perfect their thousand-yard stare? Master the art of pretending not to hear "Marco Polo" for the eight hundredth time? Contemplate how many Blue Hawaiis they can drink before judgment kicks in?

Speaking of Blue Hawaiis, I'm seriously considering moving my "workspace" to the pool bar. At least there I could claim the water damage to my laptop came from something more dignified than splash attacks from sitting on a lounge chair only feet from the pool.

No one can say I don’t take risks.

"MARCO."

"POLO."

"MOM. He's not playing right. He's looking."

"AM NOT."

"ARE TOO."

I add another tally mark to my "Pool Screams" count. We're at thirty-seven, and that's not including the ten-minute-warning volcano eruption announcement that somehow requires every child at the resort to shriek in unison. Pretty sure they're timing it to my typing rhythm, just to ensure maximum disruption.

My phone buzzes. Ryan:

How's the family-friendly content coming?

Currently workshopping ways to make "Lord of the Flies with swimwings" sound appealing to parents

Try harder

Have you MET me?

A small child rockets past my lounger, leaving a trail of water and what I pray is melted ice cream. His mother follows, armed with wet wipes and that particular expression of defeat I'm starting to recognize as standard resort parent uniform. It's a cross between "I've given up" and "I know exactly how many hours until bedtime."

The Hale Olu’olu excels at creating memorable family moments...

Well, that's not technically a lie. I'll definitely remember the toddler who tried to drink pool water while his mom was on her phone. And the kid who announced—very publicly—that he needed to poop. And let's not forget the ongoing drama at the splash pad, where a preschool turf war has been raging over who gets to control the water cannon.

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