Page 20 of From Maybe to Baby

"Watch this, Dad."

"No, watch ME."

"No, watch ME FIRST."

"Daddy's watching ME."

"NO, ME."

The competitive splash war happening only feet from my workspace reaches new heights. I pull my laptop closer,wondering if I can expense a waterproof case. Or better yet, a private cabana. Or best yet, a one-way ticket back to Bali.

A group of moms nearby are discussing the resort's kids' club schedule like they're planning a military operation. "If we time it right, we can get them in the volcano activity at two, which means we might actually get to try that yoga class..."

The resort's extensive children's program allows parents to enjoy...

Delete.I refuse to encourage this level of strategic planning for finger painting.

My phone buzzes again. This time it's my mom:

How's paradise?

I send her a photo of the kids' pool, complete with primary-colored water slides and an overwhelming number of floating dinosaur toys.

Looks peaceful

I've counted 42 screams in the past hour

Only 42? Must be naptime

There's a designated "quiet pool" for adults. Pretty sure it's a myth, like Bigfoot or work-life balance

A teenager cannonballs into the pool, despite the prominently displayed "NO CANNONBALLS" sign. The resulting wave threatens my laptop setup once again. I'm actually taking notes about pool safety rules.Me.The woman who once wrote a three-page spread about cliff diving in Croatia.

The poolside bar makes decent drinks, though they refuse to serve them in sippy cups (I asked, purely for research purposes). The staff maintains their cheerfulness with a determination that's either admirable or concerning—they either truly love kids or are well-drugged.

A toddler waddles past me, wearing nothing but a swim diaper and what appears to be half a peanut butter sandwich. His mom trails behind, apologizing to everyone in his path while simultaneously trying to capture his "precious Hawaii moments" on her phone.

For families seeking the perfect blend of relaxation and recreation, the Hale Olu’olu Resort offers...

Offers what? A master class in chaos theory? A live demonstration of why some species eat their young?

"Ten minutes until volcano time," announces a staff member way too enthusiastically, and the pool area erupts into another pre-eruption roar.

That's when I hear it. The battle cry of my impending doom…

"CANNONBALL."

I look up just in time to see two tiny humans launching themselves through the air, followed by what appears to be six-feet-plus of pure muscle in board shorts and a cap, trying to prevent what I already know is inevitable.

Time slows and I watch as the splash trajectory arcs perfectly, beautifully, catastrophically toward my lounger.

Onto my laptop.

And all over my career.

"No, no, no?—"

And just like that, my attempt at family-friendly content drowns along with my MacBook.

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