Page 39 of The Last Trip

“Yeah?” Her bright smile sends a wave of relief through me.

“I’d love to go out again.”Go out.Those words are a confirmation this is happening. I’m agreeing to go on a date with a woman. Iwantto date a woman. This woman.

She presses her lips together, appearing pleased. “Then it’s a date.”

“It’s a date,” I confirm.

Warmth spreads through me like spilled hot tea as she walks away, breaking eye contact at the last possible second before she reaches the front of the room.

I have no idea what this is, and I hate that I’ll have to hide it from Cal, but I do want to explore this. I want to know if my feelings for Ellie are real and if they might be stronger than my feelings for Cal.

As she welcomes us to class, her eyes find mine again, like they can’t resist. Like she’s as drawn to me as I am to her.

I feel the matching flush of her cheeks on my own, and before the workout begins, my heart has already picked up speed.

Two weeks later, the nausea begins. I think I have the flu at first, or that I’m especially stressed about finals, but no amount of nausea medicine seems to ward off the vomiting.

When Cal suggests I take a pregnancy test, I nearly laugh him off the couch. It’s a ridiculous notion. Not only because we’ve always used protection, but because we’ve only slept together a handful of times and…it just can’t be possible.

But it is. The moment that test flashes positive, my life implodes before my eyes. The future I saw for myself at eight this morning is no longer the one available. I had plans to see Ellie. Plans to figure out what all of this means, but now…I have no idea what I’m going to do.

There are options, of course. I never wanted children, but suddenly knowing the universe has other plans, I don’t know. It’s like I don’t recognize myself.

When Cal suggests we keep the baby, there’s a gentle tug inside of me. Something cryingyesthat I don’t fully understand. Saying yes to his proposal is both the easiest and hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It’s crazy. We hardly know each other, but he’s kind. He’s handsome. He takes care of me. He has a stable job. It’s better than most men I know. And if he’s ready for this…I guess I can be, too.

I guess I should be.

That night in bed, I text Ellie to let her know it’s over, that I can’t do this anymore and won’t be back to spin class, and then I block her number, too terrified to see her response.

Too terrified that, if given the chance—if she asked me to—I might be tempted to throw it all away to be with her instead.

CHAPTER THIRTY

HER — PRESENT DAY

My ears ring, my head pulsing with heaviness. The second Cal’s hand leaves my throat, I gasp for air as if I might not get another chance. I don’t have time to process anything else except that I need oxygen, and I don’t have it. My lungs burn, skin aflame from the memory of his hand crushing my windpipe.

If I hadn’t just experienced it, if I couldn’t still feel the indentations from his fingers on my skin, I might think I imagined it. Cal loves me. Cal wanted to marry me. But now, none of that is true. Now, Cal is married. Now, Cal lied to me about everything. Now, Cal looked me in the eyes and tried to kill me. To kill our daughter.

What have I ever done that was so wrong?

What have I ever done but love him? But try?

If I hadn’t come here, where would we be? I would still be home, playing the role of the doting, ignorant fiancée, waiting for him to return to me. No idea that his return would not have been a happy one. That eventually he would try to take our daughter. That he would ruin my life, my future, everything.

The baby rolls over in my stomach, probably sensing my distress, and I gasp with pain. I’m still trying to draw all the air I possibly can into my lungs with long, deep breaths—one handon my chest and the other on my stomach—when my eyes find Cal on the floor. He’s lying there, eyes closed, blood spilling out across the gray grain of the faux wood floor. The contents of my stomach roil, my reality flipping on its axis. I glance up, my eyes finding their focus on Janelle for the first time. I still can’t breathe, and each breath is painful, like I’m already bruising inside and out from what happened.

From when Cal tried to kill me.

It doesn’t feel real. My hands slide to my neck, covering the space where his rested as I stare at her. “What did you do?” I demand. My voice doesn’t sound like mine anymore. It’s hoarse and gravelly. Feral.

I don’t know if I’m asking her what she did just now to Cal or in general to me. There’s so much I want to know and so much I may never know. I take a step backward away from her.

In her hand, she’s holding a lamp, the shade missing, bulb shattered. Vaguely, I remember the way it sounded—the dull thud—as it cracked into Cal’s skull moments ago. I remember that it happened—replaying it in my mind for the first time. The memory is hazy and oxygen-deprived, hidden behind a thin veil, but it’s there.

“I—I didn’t have a choice!He was—he was going to kill you.” Her eyes go wide as she cuts a glance to the lamp in her hand. At once, it drops from her palm as if it’s on fire. “I didn’t know what to do!”

“Is he dead?” I ask. I feel as if I’m going to faint.

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