Page 54 of Regrets

I feel his hand snake under my shirt and move over my bra, feeling wrong. I try not to let a cry escape my throat, hating the memories of his brother’s hands.

“Colt.” I press on his chest, trying to calm myself.

“I can’t believe we’re really here, Pea. We’re going to college together in a couple of months. We can leave it all behind.”

His lips drag along my neck, and I feel nauseous, the lies poisoning my soul and trying to escape.

“I think we should give in. I love you so much, Pea. I want this to be the first time of many for the rest of our lives.”

My stomach rolls, and a tear slides down my cheek as I try my best to keep it together.Penelope, you idiot. Stop.

He notices the tear as it falls to his hand and sits up, his legs straddling mine. He cups my face in both of his large hands, looking down into my eyes in the dark room lit by the moon. “Pea, what’s the matter?”

I can’t find the words. Another tear escapes, and I watch my sweet, perfect boyfriend study me with concern and fear.

“Look, I know it’s scary, especially for girls, but I think after the first time it won’t hurt anymore.”

He has no idea how badly I’m hurting.

“I can’t do this.”

It’s a whisper, a cowardly declaration that offers no explanation. And it’s not fair to him.

“What?”

I hold onto his wrist and hate how confused and hurt he looks. “I can’t have sex with you tonight.”

“I don’t understand. You were going to a couple of weeks ago. What changed?”

I sit up, and he pulls back, sitting on his butt in front of me. “Everything. Colt, we broke up.” I look away, the words too painful. “We should have just let the breakup stick.”

“What?” His hand takes mine, and my eyes move back to his. “That wasn’t a breakup. That was just a stupid fight. It was nothing.”

Nothing? Is that really what he thinks?“What you said to me . . . Colt, that hurt me deeply.”

He looks genuinely lost. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. That was about me. Not you.”

“It felt like it was about me. You’ve turned me down over and over. It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for you.”

I don’t know if I’ve ever been this honest with him, and it feels good even as painful as it is.

“You’re everything to me, Penelope. I love you.”

“I love you too.” I fight the urge to make him hold me tightly in his arms and never let me go, but my deception will always follow us. I can’t do it.

He’d be better off without me. They all would.

“So then, what’s holding you back?” His hand smooths over my cheek, but I don’t lean into it, no matter how badly I want to.

“It’s like you said. We’re different.”

His eyes are searching mine, and I despise the anguish I see in his eyes. “I didn’t mean it as a bad thing. So what if we’re different? You’re really ending this? After nearly a decade together?”

Tears well up in my eyes, and I want more than anything to say no, but the only other option is to tell him what happened between Linc and me. I can’t do that. It would tear them apart.

“No. We can still be friends.”

He’s furious. “I don’t want to just be your friend, Pea.”

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